Ask Dr. Stacy Friedman – What Is A Chastity Device?

dr. stacy friedman

Every month Dr. Stacy Friedman acclaimed clinical sexologist and certified sex coach answers questions posed by adultsmart readers.  With the ever-growing popularity of forced chastity in relationships this month she has chosen to answer two questions, with the one all encompassing answer.

Brett

Is it becoming more common for women requiring their male to wear chastity devices? Are there studies about males being kept locked in chastity or women requiring it?

 

Maria

Is it safe for a penis to be in the cage for 7 days? How do I start with his orgasm denial? Weekly denial or less?

Chastity Gear
Chastity Devices

I have been receiving quite a few questions regarding chastity devices and cages so I decided to but these two questions together.  Chastity devices or cages for the penis are gaining popularity more so in the kink or BDSM communities. They wear these devices as part of role playing, dom/sub relationships or to intensify their sexual experiences. I do have to say that there aren’t too many studies regarding this subject so it isn’t always easy to find or learn information about it.  It is something that both partners have to agree and that is right for the couple involved.

 

As far as safety of keeping the penis in a cage for 7 days, I highly suggest you start slow and at a minimum and build up to the length of time you are looking for.  Men may have 4-5 erections during the night and you need to be careful the cage isn’t restricted the blood flow or too tight so you don’t cause any nerve damage or discourage blood flow because the skin is getting pinched or the vessels are restricted.  From what I have heard from urologists, it isn’t often that people come to them complaining of problems due to these devices so either people keep quiet or there aren’t many problems that arise from using them.

 

According to Dr. King, a urologist, it is cautioned against any long-term or continuous use of such a device, anything more than four to six hours, if it places any significant compression on the tissue directly. Dr. King states, “Overnight use may still be problematic. Nocturnal/spontaneous erections are hypothesized to exist to encourage blood flow and stretching of the vascular and erectile tissue to keep it healthy and prevent atrophy. Like any other tendon, ligament, or muscle in the body—use it or lose it. I can’t see how preventing these spontaneous nocturnal erections can be healthy. But I can’t prove any long-term damage.”

 

I recommend taking things slow, then build it up to make sure you are safe, experiment and don’t fear this form of foreplay as many find it very intense and stimulating.

 Doctor Stacy’s Contacts –

Facebook: drstacyfriedman

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As always we look forward to next months answers.  Keep your questions rolling in – unfortunately due to the Doctors hectic work schedule she is only answering a question each month at the moment, so if your is not answered immediately and have patience, it may be in the future…

Dr. Stacy, My Husband Won’t Speak About Our Intimacy Issues!

Sexless marriage

This month Adultsmart’s clinical sexologist and certified sex coach Dr. Stacy Friedman has answered three questions which were anonymously sent in to askasexologist@gmail.com. Be sure to read them, who knows she may have answered one of yours!

Question

My relationship with my husband has gone cold.  There is little intimacy and our bedroom is all but dead.  Our kids are now older and our discussions regularly turn into arguments.  I have seen a counselor but when I suggested he see one or we see one together he says we don’t need too.  How do I get him to see that things are not that good and we need help?

Dr. Stacy Friedmans Answer

I am sorry to hear things are not so good on the home front and it’s unfortunate that you don’t seem to have a partner that understands the urgency of the situation.  I try to tell people that if you have a partner asking for help or to get help, it is usually a dire situation that can go downhill fast if not taken care of. If your partner isn’t willing to do anything for the marriage and you have expressed concern and desire to seek help, there isn’t much you can do other than work on personal growth and start weighing your options of what you want for your future, to stay and do nothing or go.  I would ask him why he doesn’t feel that you need to see a counselor, what scares him about going, what does he think is going to happen if  you go as well as what could be the worst and best scenario if he did decide to go.  If he still says he doesn’t want to go then try to have a conversation with him and ask him if he is happy with the way the relationship is and if he says no, see what his suggestions are to work on things.  Maybe if he sees you are open to listening to him, he will make some suggestions that could be helpful.

What about getting away together for a weekend where it is just the two of you and you have an opportunity to connect and talk?  Are you having any intimacy or sex?  If not, ask him if he wants to improve that, see if he thinks that could be better.  If so, you need to try to work on things together to make it happen.  There are many people that don’t believe in therapy or counseling and for some people it doesn’t work because many times they have waited too long and there is no turning back. Sometimes it makes a huge impact and saves a marriage but also, people may be afraid that by going to therapy they may eventually have to make a decision on their future and it is scary so people would rather just ignore and not go.  Find out what his fears are and then find out what his future goals are and if he wants you to be a part of it, he needs to tend to your fears and goals to make the marriage work.

Question

I come from a large immediate and extended family but to my knowledge not one of them is LGBTQIA+ nor do any of them hang out or have friends that are gay or queer.  I am 21 and know in myself that I am homosexual but have not come out.  It is like a big, dirty secret that hangs over my head as I feel that my family will not accept me if I do come out.  A couple of times I have gone out by myself to some gay bar I know about but as soon as anyone approached me I felt revulsion about the whole gay thing and rushed home. It is overwhelming and sometimes I feel incredibly sad and frustrated. What should I do?

Coming out as gay
Image: Coming out

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

It is a completely normal to feel confusion, frustration and potential revulsion because it is something that is still taboo in society and can make you question who you are and what you believe.  Since you aren’t accepting of yourself, you see the disgust that others may see in your own eyes but that isn’t reality.  Loving someone for who they are is a beautiful thing once accepting that within yourself. In order to be comfortable coming out to others, you need to first be comfortable in yourself and the understanding that you are perfect the way you are and that there is nothing wrong with being gay.  You are attracted to whom you are attracted to and that is nothing that you can change.

What makes you think they wouldn’t be accepting of you?  Do they not believe in the LGBTQIA+ population? Have they said things offensive? Are you close to at least one of your parents that you can have a talk with? What about another trusted adult or maybe a therapist near you that can help? I do Skype calls for people that aren’t local and I would be happy to help you get the confidence you need to be who you are, as that is one of my specialties so let me know if you want to make an appointment.  In the meantime, surround yourself with others that are gay, support groups, maybe a local place that has resources.  That way you aren’t in an environment where it may be more “sexual” such as a club so you can get to the point of acceptance and self-love and then be able to move forward.  You need to have support and you shouldn’t have to lie to get it so maybe slowly breach the subject to your family by bringing up someone else in the media to gage what they think about the LGBTQIA+ population and go from there.  I am here of you wanted to make an appointment for extra support.  You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

Dr. Stacy, I Have Sexual Fantasies About My Wife Cheating!

Cuckold cheating fetish

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with Adultsmart to answer two anonymous questions which were emailed in to askasexologist@gmail.com.

Question

I’m a married man and married my first love.  We broke up 7 months ago when I went away. We have grown children now and a great life but during our time apart she was with others. I found out years ago but she won’t talk about it at all.  I’ve masturbated about it for years and went from jealousy to anger to now one of the only ways I get erect.  She doesn’t know that I feel this way but knows some and says she doesn’t remember any of the details from years ago and doesn’t trust that I won’t be mad if she says more now.  I know I was to blame for my reaction years ago but how do I get her to open up more and incorporate it into our lives now?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

It is very common for men to get turned on thinking of their wife having sex with another man.  Not all men want to explore it in real life but if it is something that turns you on, then you may want to find out why and what about that thought is hot for you. You need to ask yourself some questions such as, what about her being with others is a turn on? What do you hope to get out of incorporating it into your life? Also, how much do you want her to open up about the experience?  Do you want her to be involved with other men while you watch, while you join, or just talk dirty about it?

Maybe she doesn’t want to be with others now that your marriage is at the stage it’s at so she prefers to not discuss it. Bringing someone into the relationship, especially into a long-term marriage can be tricky.  It isn’t something to take lightly and there needs to be a lot of trust, communication and boundaries set.  You need to know that you are always taking a risk. It can be done successfully if there is open communication but the fact that she doesn’t want to discuss it now may mean that it isn’t something that she is interested in.

At the end, if she doesn’t want to incorporate more into your relationship then you need to use your own personal thoughts and keep fantasizing about it.  If you want to try and get erect in other ways, spice up your current situation by having sex in different positions, different places, roleplaying, adding toys, discussing your fantasies together or anything that brings something new to your relationship.  This will hopefully allow you to express your desires and find other ways to be stimulated and erect so it isn’t all about you fantasizing about her with other men. Good luck!

Question

My partner and I have been together for about 15 years now.  After we had hit the 10 year mark our bedroom antics started to get a little dull and I wasn’t really enjoying sex with him as much and would often not orgasm.  We started experimenting with sex toys and that livened things up however it has got to the stage that I do not orgasm having sex with him unless I use a toy to stimulate my clitoris at the same time.  He has asked me a couple of times to have straight sex without any aids but it just doesn’t do it for me and he seems to get that.  I still love him and have not entertained the thought of going elsewhere.  Is there something wrong with me? Why do I not get off on just straight sex anymore?

Womens orgasm difficulty
Image: Couple Kissing

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

First of all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!  Statistics show that at least 75% of women can NOT have an orgasm through intercourse without some form of clitoral stimulation so the fact that you are able to achieve an orgasm with toys on your clitoris is a very common way for women to enjoy.

As you get older, your body changes, desires change as does the way you feel towards your partner.  You may not get stimulated the same ways you did earlier in the relationship and you may need to try different things in order to keep your desire up.   The fact that you started experimenting when you realized things were getting dull is a testament to your ability to communicate about sex and how you are feeling with your partner so it is very important to continue to do so in order to keep things working for you and your husband.

I don’t know if you have had children over the last 5-10 years but if so, that can also change the position of your uterus and potentially the G-spot inside which can affect how you orgasm while having intercourse.  Just because someone needs extra stimulation with a toy in order to have an orgasm doesn’t mean their partner is doing something wrong, if anything, it can take the pressure off of him to not have to worry about performance and focus on the pleasure of his wife enjoying sex even if toys are involved.  As long as you are spending time having foreplay and not just going right to intercourse with your toys, your husband can still feel like he is connecting with you on an emotional and physical level to be able to enjoy each other.