Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System

Woman Keeping a Secret Photo

Whilst browsing the eclectic collection of books available at Oh! Zone Caringbah I came across a book titled A Tiger in the Bedroom. Lessons form Mother Nature’s Sex Shop by Katherine Gould. Turning the book over, the first review yelled “Just when you think animal sex can’t get any weirder, turn the page and it does!”. Chuckling as I thumbed through the pages I landed on this particularly charming quip:

“Don’t be too obvious. When a male chimpanzee is feeling randy, he gazes at the object of his desire, then spreads his legs and flicks his erect penis with his finger, or waves his penis back and forth. Do not do this.”

This got me thinking of all the weird and wonderful sexual encounters I’ve either had myself or shared vicariously through the tales of friends. During the more randy years (my slutting days), I’ve shared with girlfriends what happened through a shorthand way of referring to many of our encounters by way of a nickname system. Now I realise this may cause some offence, but who has time to remember the finer details of real name and suburb of residence when differentiating between past and present lovers?!

Now, back to the penis waving chimpanzee.

Iguana – As I read that anecdote the first thing that came to mind was a lover whom my girlfriend and I fondly refer to as Iguana. Yes, we’re tunnel sisters and we’re not ashamed to admit it. Iguana earned the nickname through the drunken late night deliverance of an explanation as to what an Iguana’s penis was like, before I’d had the pleasure of experiencing it for myself – “It was just so … damned big. And he stood there all proud like. But it was kind of weird. Like really really fat and thick at the bottom like some kind of animal – a slug or something – no it was bigger than that” As she swigged another mouthful from her beer she finally had it – “It was like an Iguana”. I can’t say I could personally liken any shape of penis to a reptile aside from the obvious ‘snake’ but she’d made her mind up and the name stuck.

Colourful Iguana Photo
Photo: Diary Entry: The Ex’s Nickname System – Iguana

Iguana had a cone shaped penis which was extremely wide at the base. Some months later when Iguana paid a visit to my bedroom and I was excitedly removing his pants, I was astounded to discover what can only be described as reverse pubes. Iguana had thoughtfully decided to ‘trim’ his pubic hair. Except he’d shaved a perfect upside down triangle into his pubic area – a starkly white inverted triangle of naked skin amongst a thick sea of dark body hair. Combine the triangle shape of missing pubes with the angularity of his cone shaped penis and it was all a little too much for tipsy me. Poor Iguana was confused as to why his efforts to enhance his randiness and attract a desirable outcome had fallen flat. As I explained how strange it looked and that he should embrace his natural state of being I finished with “Do not do that”. So upon reading of the chimpanzee my mind landed quickly on this memory. Iguana has the proud position of being the first lover to be nicknamed in what became our shorthand lingo of keeping up with our various blackbooks.

The way we choose to give them shorthanded nicknames was derived from anything as simple as the suburb they were from, to a physical feature, to a behaviour or attitude or to how wonderful or awful they were sexually. Some of the stories behind the names are boring and simple, some are horrifying and others hilarious.

Eastwood – Eastwood’s real name was Dave but as there were a few more Daves in circulation we needed a quick way to tell him apart. Dave lived in Eastwood. We got bonus points for originality with this one.

IT Dave – IT Dave lived in Epping and worked in the IT industry. We tried calling him Epping for a while but continuously got him confused with Eastwood which is never a good look when trying to procure a sexy night and you make reference to the right move with the wrong guy!

Davidoff – Davidoff was another Dave who liked wearing Cool Water by Davidoff. He’d leave a lingering scent of the fragrance that was sometimes overpowering. As he happened to be another Dave this nickname made itself.

Cordial Boy – Cordial Boy was a lover that visited my girlfriend, Kissy (her nickname), one night. She had a penchant for much younger men. After having what she described as a “nothing special” moment in the bedroom Kissy asked Cordial Boy if he’d like a beverage as she plucked two ciders from the fridge. Now one can be forgiven for not necessarily liking cider, but she was not prepared for what came next. Cordial Boy refused the alcoholic beverage and pointed to the bottle of cordial on the bench and asked her to make him a tropical flavoured non-alcoholic bevvy. When they ventured into the local shopping strip for him to return home they decided to get something to eat. All Cordial Boy wanted was a Happy Meal from McDonalds. According to Kissy there was nothing man about him in the bedroom and he confirmed it with his choice of drink and meal.

This is but a taste of the many others that exist in our sexual adventures. Stay tuned for another Diary Entry: The Ex’s Nickname System!

About the Author: Alicia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres