Effortless Tips For Great Sex

If you think about your ex-partners you’ll fondly remember the good and the bad things that they did during sex. You’d remember which ones hit the spot, and which ones didn’t. Which ones you had to fake it with, and which ones you could barely stop the drool on your chin from anticipation of that moment because of the great sex. It’s pretty amazing really when you think about it because the ultimate end goal is the same with each one. But there are so many variables to sex that it seems pretty complex.

For research purposes I looked up what other people thought made great sex partners. The Women’s Magazines were pretty generic and included things such as not being judgmental, focusing on your partner’s needs, ability to laugh at yourself and stuff relating to your mental state as opposed to your physical state. In Essence, they were targeting the right areas but just not saying going that one crucial step further.

The Men’s magazine like Australian Men’s Health had such delightful comments such as; they love giving head, they are physically fit, and they have a good body shape. Yeah, um, no. Both of them focused on the idea that paying attention to your partner is important and that you need to forgo your own sexual desires at times to please them. This is probably the most accurate of the statements, but still it’s simplistic. It’s more than that, yet it’s not as complex as how redbookmag makes a hand job seem.

‘Men love to be stroked, fondled and handled with authority by expert female hands—and they love watching a woman take manual erotic control of them’.

I laughed for a long time when I read that sentence. Are they speaking plainly or are they sugar coating a hand job to make it sound seductive. What? It’s a hand job – not an atrociously bad Mills and Boone Novel with ‘Manual Erotic Control’. It’s almost akin to drving a car – Wheres the fun in that? Expert hands? (I’m taking the gender pronoun out of this – because I’m sick of the lack of sexual diversity in these ‘tips’). It’s bullshit. Not everyone likes hand jobs, not everyone likes giving/receiving oral pleasure and to reduce great sex to these tips. The tips are generally so heteronormative with stock photos of good looking couples, but they generally focus on the physical pleasure of the situation. The tips that focus on the mental pleasure are the way to go.

Body Confidence Women
Photo: Body Confidence

See, the fact is we all do things differently, our movements, our rhythms, our bodies, our shapes and sizes, even the way we move our tongue. It’s about a connection. You’ve seen those couples, and you’re wondering why they are together. We’ve all done it, sitting there during lunch, brunch dinner, or having a drink at a bar and you make the offhand comment to your friend/partner/colleague and you giggle as you wonder why they’re together. None of these so called sex tips speak about ‘connection’. I’ve been working in the Sex Industry for almost a decade and I’ve seen all sorts of couples. I distinctly remember this one couple, loved up, cute and apparently having the best sex of their lives. They’d tell me about it, how they’d have a long afternoon session and it wasn’t even all about penetrative sex or tongues, or even body parts. For them, an afternoon of sex was about intimacy, about touching, feeling and laughing. You could hear it when they spoke about it, some strange mysterious connection that whenever they got together, they didn’t give a damn about the rest of the world – they created their own world, their own space and when it shattered they laughed about it and moved on. They were two bodies together, exploring, having fun, and absolutely being in the moment.

So you’re sitting there thinking well what is this guy on about – what makes great sex? The answer is as simple as it is complex – not giving a damn. Being in the moment, let it flow and just follow the grind. It’s about pleasuring the mind, which is most likely why that time you had sex in the change room despite it being an awkward quickie was probably mind-blowing sex. That ex who you’d fight with constantly, but the second their arms were around you you turned into a quivering and horny mess.

Great sex is about accepting who you are, accepting your flaws, having body confidence and accepting theirs. The ability to have a laugh when it doesn’t go to ‘plan’, the idea of not actually having a formulaic plan to please your lover.

Here’s the secret. There’s no one way to have great sex. You can read all the tips on the internet, know exactly how to move your tongue, and physically please your partner. But you can still not be the best in bed. People are reluctant to let go of the idea of having great sex. So hell bent they are on discovering the secret they are absolutely convinced that there must be something tangible that gives access to great sex. There’s not. You can be reductive and say that it’s about understanding your partner’s body and mind and you’re not going to be wrong. But how can you teach someone to understand their partner’s body? You can learn, but without that connection you’re not quite going to reach that final step. Most people insist that it is some physical way of moving (Because, like, they tried this move on three chicks last week and they all went nuts man. Or, I moved my tongue like this and two dudes last week came like that *Snaps fingers dramatically*). People sometimes feel that they must sacrifice a part of themselves to have great sex, or forgo their own likes and dislikes to achieve that mysterious mind blowing sex that your best friend seems to have. All. The. Freaking. Time. Leaving you sitting there, wondering am I bad in bed?

If you forgo your likes and dislikes you’ve already lost the battle. If you’re doing something you can’t stand, you’ll never achieve the pinnacle because you’ll be focused on the idea that you’re doing something you don’t like to please someone else. If you’re on your knees sucking dick or whatever it is your doing and you’re wondering if they’re liking it, you’ve lost the battle. Let go, seriously. Just let it go. Relax in the moment and just do it. It’s like your special pair of underwear, the pants that you put on when the world seems dark, that instantly boost your mood, your lucky pants. There’s absolutely no reason why they’re special, no foundation but for some reason they make you feel better. Grab that feeling, that blasé-ness, and ride it all the way to the top.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaN-gWQLCBQ

By Stephen Smith a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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