For those who do not know what polyamory is, it is the practice and desire of intimate relationships with more than one person. It comes from the Greek word poly which means “many” and the Latin word amor which means “love”. It literally translates to “many love”. It is an unconventional form of love because the monogamous-centered society dictates that love should be monogamous and your heart should only be reserved to that one special person.
This conventional notion of monogamous love is so prevalent that companies and even media capitalizes on it through dating websites, mobile applications, dating shows and romance novels. Which is why, for most people, polyamory is viewed as taboo and sexual promiscuous. They even equate it to infidelity and cheating.
Honesty and Commitment are Cornerstones of Polyamory
In conservative societies, except for Islamic societies, polyamory is frowned upon. But one important characteristic of polyamory that people tend to not understand is commitment and honesty. Polyamorists have consensual non-monogamous relationships and that is the basic characteristic of polyamory. This is opposed to cheating wherein a committed person steps out of the relationship boundaries without the permission of the other person which is characterized by dishonesty, cheating, infidelity and disloyalty. In this light, a polyamorist can never be called a cheater. Polyamory is about having multiple committed relationships with the consent of everyone involved.
Another common misconception when it comes to the idea of polyamory is that it is the same as open relationships. Open relationships, by definition, are committed couples who have casual partners on the side. In this scenario of open relationships, the two couples remain loyal and committed to each other, though a “side fling” is consensual. The other committed partner agrees that the other partner can engage in nothing more then having sexual relationships with other people. Although open relationships are also classified as consensual non-monogamy, open marriages and open relationships are not classified as polyamorous relationships. This is because a polyamorist’s commitment is to all partners, although there may be cases where the degree of commitment is not equal. In the case of polyamorous relationships, psychologists have found out that polyamorous relationships are centered on trust and communication.
Polyamory is also misconstrued as “swinging” which is a more common term. While polyamory involves sexual activity in the group, it emphasizes no emotional or romantic connection as opposed to swinging which involves open and consensual activity among people of a group. Truth be told, there is a cultural rift among polyamorists and the swinger communities because of these major differences. Although swinging is a form of consensual non-monogamy, it does not usually involve commitment and it emphasizes only on physical contact. However, there are cases where the two concepts may intertwine when a swinger falls in love with different partners and decides to start a polyamorist relationship.
Polyamory Is About Loyalty
When a polyamorist decides to ‘swing’ with secret partners, by definition they are not a polyamorist anymore. Secret relationships not known to their polyamorist partners are seen as a violation of their relationship agreement. It is seen as being disloyal and engaging in infidelity which is frowned upon in the polyamory community. Fidelity is seen as not only being limited to romantic and sexual exclusivity but faithfulness to agreements and communication that partners make. Polyamory is about the values that the individuals hold and the respect that they have for each other. Commitment is honesty and loyalty to one’s own words.
In a scientific research, studies have found out that people have strong stigma against polyamorist’s. Society sees monogamous relationships as having stronger commitments and more stability. In a monogamous-driven world, this is not surprising. But in all honesty, polyamorist’s also help each other. Since there is emotional investment, polygamists want what is best for their partners. They can help pay the bill, fix the house, do domestic activities and help out at work, in the same way that monogamous couples function.
The social stigma stems out from prejudice and ignorance in the understanding of why and how polyamorists love. As a matter of fact, non-monogamous participants in this very same experiment ranked their monogamous partners higher than themselves when it came to the definition of being committed. This makes polyamorist’s a sexual minority, the same way that there are still discriminations against the LGBT community and in other countries, the struggle for women’s equal rights.
Social stigma affects family members and children of polyamorists. A different study was conducted to analyze the effects of polyamory to children and it shows that other people think that these children are troubled and can be negatively affected by the negative behaviour of their parents. But in all honestly, research also points out that children in polyamorist families are happier because children generally love to be around as many adults as they can. Children are happy if they know that more people love them.
Polyamory Is About Openness and Acceptance
When people are seriously in love, they tend to want to control how their partners should think and what their partners should do. In a polyamorous relationship, you should not control your partners on who they should love or have relationships with. It is typical for most human beings to feel the need to control and be jealous, this is part of the human evolutionary code. It is normal for people to think they are not enough or if they have done something wrong for their partners to look for other relationships. The same as with monogamous relationships, this thought process also occurs and it is perfectly normal, to begin with. However, with constant communication, this feeling of inadequacy will be quelled and properly dealt with. It is also important, especially in polyamorous relationships to keep an open mind and be open to suggestions. This starts by developing respect for your partners to make them feel that their emotions and opinions matter to you as well.
Polyamorist’s are open to negotiating boundaries and agreements where they consult with their partners. For example, if they have new relationship prospects they work together to develop a decision.
There has been much debate to classify polyamory as a sexual orientation and identity though most would say that it is a form of practice within a relationship. Because of its complexity and emotional subjectivity, polygamous relationships gender identity rules are not an issue. For example, a monogamous couple may decide to engage in heterosexual polyamorous relationships. They then can decide to engage in consensual homosexual relationships. The members of these groups accept and love each other regardless of their sexual orientation and gender identity.
Polyamorist’s have Compersion
A relatively new concept compersion is widespread among polyamorists. When a person has compersion, it means that they are empathetic, joyful and happy to know that their partner is happy within their other polygamous relationship’s sexual and romantic activities.
It is the same feeling when your own child gets awards in school or when your best friend finally gets married. It is taking joy in the joy of others. The exact opposite feeling of jealousy which is what monogamous couples become when they are cheated on. When people cheat on, they feel anger, fear, betrayal, sadness, and some even go through depression. Polyamorist’s do not feel these emotions when their partners find and enjoy other relationships.
Polyamorous Relationships Are Healthy
In the United States alone, 5% of the total population is open to the idea of polyamory and about 500,000 engage in polyamorous relationships. With the growing popularity, scientific and sociological studies are being conducted to assess polyamorous behavior. These studies found polyamorous relationships to be healthy. They found that communication is key to happy and successful relationships. Another study shows that polyamorists are usually people with high degrees of openness, confidence, intelligence, self-worth, education and are focused on experiences in life.
When it comes to sex, research shows that polyamorist’s are less likely to contract sexually-transmitted diseases (STD) than their monogamous counterparts. This is because polyamorist’s communicate with their partners it is alright to have sex with other people sa long as they practice safe sex and stay loyal to their other agreements. The study also states that when people cheat they are most likely to be drunk or under the influence of drugs which is their justification for not wearing protection.
The Four Types of Polyamory
Believe it or not, there are four types of polyamory. There is no ideal type of polyamory, the one chosen depends on the group’s agreements.
Polygamy
Polygamy is the most familiar term which involves marrying many people and having many legal spouses. In some societies, mostly in Islamic societies, this is accepted because it is a part of their culture. Some modern Islamic societies have passed laws that requires having hierarchical polygamy, meaning there is a first wife, a second wife, a third wife and so on.
Even if it is legal for some countries to allow citizens to engage in three or more partners sharing sexual relationships, there are no countries that give polyamorous relationships any legal protection or the right to marry. The countries which permits polygamous marriages, only ones between a man and a women are allowed.
Mono/Poly Relationships
In Mono/Poly Relationships one partner may have a monogamous relationship while the other partner may be allowed to have polygamous relationships. This depends upon the agreement between the couples as to how they should proceed with their relationship.
Polyfidelity
Polyfidelity involves polyamorist’s who have romantic relationships where sexual contact is restricted and limited to certain people in the group. The members of the group are considered as equal partners.
Geometric Configurations
Geometric configurations are described by the interconnectedness and the number of people involved in a polyamorous relationship. For example a V (vee) relationship involves three people while an N relationship involves four people. Some additional examples are quads and triads.
In Conclusion
To those who think that polyamorists are cheaters, that statement is incorrect. Polyamorists are honest and communicate with their partners, as cheaters are just plain liars. Polyamory is more than being a form of relationship or an identity, but an advocacy. The conservative stigma still exists, there is the still the struggle for legal recognition and protection of polyamorist’s. It is an important struggle that needs to be won for people who want nothing but love. No one has the monopoly of love nor does anyone have the right to dictate who or how a person should love. Love is an irrational human behavior and is subjective to a person’s preferences and personal identity. To love and to be loved in return are basic human needs as people need affection.
So if you know someone who has a polyamorous relationships, do not judge them. Try to understand how they think and what they feel, then maybe you will relate with them. Polyamorists are not perfect. These people also face the same problems as monogamous people. They also fight just like any human being, they also have the capacity to fall out of love. But what is important in relationships is that there should be communication, honesty and respect for your partner’s decisions and opinions. This after all, is what relationships are about.
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