Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System Part 3

…Continued from Part Two….. I’m almost ashamed to go on but alas there are more sex stories and they’re certainly of more interest to be told than left to float around in my head as memories.

Smokey

A broad-shouldered fireman who put up with my drunken antics before I finally shoved him down the hall to the bedroom. Smokey had an irritated cough and as a nursing undergraduate, I immediately identified that it didn’t sound good. “All good” he said as we got down to business. Afterwards as we slept the alcohol off, he coughed regularly and his voice became hoarser throughout the night. As the night went on, it sounded more and more serious.

All hail the morning wood and away we went at it again which was fine enough up until the condom broke. Well, crap! That means a trip to the chemist for emergency contraception and then off to the sexual health clinic. It happens. I dropped him at the train station on the way to the chemist, he promised to be in contact. Needless to say I didn’t expect to hear from him again.

Three days later he rang to ask if I had been okay after the emergency contraception. I noticed he wasn’t coughing so much anymore. It was then he told me that he’d actually had face mask crack whilst he was on duty as a fireman earlier that day and had inhaled enough smoke to cause serious irritation to his lungs. He’d collapsed at the train station and had to be rushed to the hospital. Smokey spent 24 hours in intensive care being helped to breathe. When one inhales enough smoke to require hospitalization and then disappear like a puff of smoke, it’s a certain inevitability you’ll be christened Smokey. Props to him for his performance given that he had serious issues breathing. A true hero fireman.

Linkenbrinkenfingertrickter

He was a lover of my girlfriend. His actual name was Leonard and he had an Austrian heritage with a mildly complicated sounding surname. Over drinks one night I asked if he would pay a visit any time soon. Kissy was confused as to who I referred to and in an attempt to sound his surname out, I hadn’t been able to remember his first name I managed to slur out loud “Linkenbrinkenfingertrickter”. I christened him with a name that gave fits of hysterical laughter, it was guaranteed to stick and it did.

 

Man Using Wii Photo
Photo: Man Using Wii – Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System Part 3

 

Hook Boy

This delightful young gentleman graced my bedroom one night, nudged on by my girlfriend who said “Go on, let loose and enjoy yourself. Give a youngen a try”. You see, I’m not entirely fond to bed partners much younger than myself. Unlike my girlfriends who like to train and mould an enthusiastic younger lover, I’m not so keen after I had less than wonderful experiences previously. Hook Boy did not change my mindset.

He was exuberant and gets a thumbs up for that but it was steadily downhill from there. Hook Boy proved to be quite lacklustre when it came to foreplay and intercourse. He gave me an experience akin to me masturbating out of boredom where I’m just going through the motions. After I brought him to orgasm quickly with intercourse Hook Boy proclaimed “I’ll finish you off!”. “Okay, here goes nothing” I thought as he shoved two fingers inside me. I could not have imagined the horror that was about to go down as he proceeded to finger bang me. Suddenly I felt this claw that scrapped, yanked and pulled at my insides. “Ummm, excuse me, but what the hell do you think you’re doing there?!” I yelped as I tried to pull myself away. With a proud grin Hook Boy replied “Stimulating your G-Spot” as he attempted to continue. No… no… NO! That is no way to stimulate a G-Spot. It was now game over. I thanked him for his time and showed him the door.

Imagine for a moment what it feels like to have your internal organs pulled out of your body via your nether regions with a piece of barbed wire fashioned into a crude hook. You’re about close to what this sensation felt like. And that is how he became known as Hook Boy.

Wii Man

Around the time of the release of the Nintendo Wii when the console was still a novelty a new lover paid a visit to Kissy’s house. After the standard ‘break the ice’ beverage Kissy leaned over with a wink and whispered “So what would you like to get up to now?”. Wii Man pointed over at the Nintendo Wii and told her he’d like to play that for a while as it looked like fun. As Kissy sat there bewildered he asked “Do you have the ten pin bowling game?” Kissy set the console up and booted up the requested game. An hour of play later she lost her patience and told Wii Man in no uncertain terms that if he planned to continue to use his fingers on a remote instead of on her then it was time for him to leave. The penny finally dropped for Wii Man and they proceeded to get down to business. Kissy admitted the next morning that while he may have been good with the angle and power in the game, in real life it was all gutter balls.

 

About the author: Alicia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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Sexpert is our resident full time sex blogger. Having successfully owned and managed a number of blogs relating to women's lifestyle, she easily blended into her role as chief blogger of the Adultsmart Blog. She is in a long term relationship with her boyfriend. She also runs Good Girl Guide, a sexual lifestyle blog.

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