Yes, You MAY: Celebrating National Mastubation Month During Quarantine

The world is in disarray. We’re locked inside our homes, we can’t see loved ones, and there’s a potentially deadly virus infecting countless people across the world. However, one glistening beacon of hope continues to shine; National Masturbation Month! Yes! The month of May has cum! Pun DEFINITELY intended. Although not everyone knows about it, most of us celebrate it, and everyone enjoys it! And, during these times of trouble and self isolation, your hand can become your best friend! Here are some tips to make your you time just a bit more fun, and to help you celebrate the most enjoyable national celebration nobody knows about!

 

**Please Note** This article will be filled with terrible euphemisms about masturbating. Sorry in advance.

 

Lube

This one might be obvious, but no matter what’s in your pants, lube can take your self guided tour to another level! Your local sex shop should have a spanning array of options for you to choose from, and if you’re going solo and turning on the sprinklers without a toy or in the shower, some silicone lube (check out SuperSlyde!) will do you wonders. However, if you’re using a toy to invest in bitcoin, some water based lube (check out Pjur Aqua) will be your new best friend. However, there are of course countless lubes with funky features to make your time scratching Yoda behind the ears just a bit more interesting. Warming, cooling, buzzing, and tingling lubes all exist, so ask your local sex shop consultant to help you find what you need!

 

Switch It Up!

Has debugging the hard-drive gotten a bit mundane? Do you do the same routine to visit the safety deposit box every night? Simply don’t! Try a different hand, a different technique, try it in the shower! Try it on the floor, try it by yourself, do it for an hour! Pardon the rhyme, but just do something to switch up your routine. Hell! Pick up a toy from your local sex shop and discover a whole new world of pleasure! There’s plenty of toys that are great value for money, and a previous article I wrote about just that can be found here! Take your time finding what can improve your experience taming the shrew, and find what makes your time most enjoyable!

 

Porn

Now, porn isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay! If you’re not the kind of person that pairs your time drafting a blog post with some erotic media, skip ahead to the next paragraph! If you do enjoy your time Finding Nemo with some special movies, don’t be afraid to branch out to genres you haven’t tried yet. If you don’t like it, click along, if you do, you’ve expanded your sexual horizons, and what’s not to love about that! Similarly, if you’re willing to spend a few dollars, there are plenty of websites where you can get custom content tailored to EXACTLY what you want! Check out sites like OnlyFans for that sort of deal!

 

Make A Night Of It!

Light some candles. Put on some slow, sexy music. Have a bath, bubbles of course, and get into something comfortable. Put on your preferred media, or none at all, and take your time with yourself. Lone Rangering can be just as sexy as the actual act of sex, so have a nice night in, and enjoy your Keynoting in Cupertino just a little bit more.

 

Partner Up

If you’re with a partner, you may be defaulting to your usual routine of some half-assed foreplay, average sex, and then sleeping. Spice things up! Suggest some mutual masturbation, and get to Auditioning for Finger Puppets with someone special! There’s no reason sex needs to be the only thing you can do with a partner, and for those not in the immediate vicinity of their loved ones, this can be the only option, but that’s no reason it can’t be a good time! 

 

In Conclusion

There’s no reason hacking the home network needs to be a boring affair. With the world wide web at your disposal, there’s nothing stopping you from having a fantastic time by your lonesome. Make minding the gap a fun time, and be sure to take your time preparing your monologue next time you get the chance. Have fun, and happy National Masturbation Month.

 

Here are some final euphemisms I didn’t find space for in the article, if you’re interested:

  • Taking a selfie at the bean
  • Shaking hands with the milkman
  • Practicing the trumpet
  • Meeting with the small council
  • Badgering the witness
  • Rocking the Casbah

 

Enjoy!

 

Big Dawg is a consultant at the Oh Zone Adult Stores!

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