Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System Part 2

Following on from my previous sex diary entry about The Ex’s Nickname System, I’d like to share with you another quote from my book of choice at the moment describing interesting quirks of the animal sexual world:

“The male bison experiences an orgasm so violent that it lifts his hooves off the ground. Female bison, as you might imagine, have very strong backs. Say, you’ve been working out, haven’t you?”

This quip brought me immediately to another nickname, another memory and some more entries in the pages of our collective blackbook. Let’s continue.

Hardboiled Harry – Harry was a gentle giant that liked larger women. This worked extremely well for Harry because as the quip and his name may suggest, Harry liked to work out. I’m not talking about going to the gym to stay healthy and fit. I’m talking about the kind of person that must have their home away from home at the gym. Harry had muscle upon muscle upon muscle. He was as firm as firm can be and had the cutest little head up top of this extremely muscular body-builder physique. It was a good thing he found larger women attractive because as he said “I don’t want to crush someone”. When you’re as firm as a hardboiled egg and have an adorable egg-shaped head your nickname writes itself.

Hobbit – I would imagine for most people that this would be self-explanatory. Hobbits name only came about when Kissy rang me late one night in a panicked hushed whisper “There’s someone knocking at my doooooor!”. As I lived over the driveway I had a visual line of sight direct to her door. Peeking out the window, indeed there was someone standing at her front door but with the poor lighting I couldn’t make out much more than that. “Help!! I need to know who it is because they won’t stop knocking”. Being the faithful wingman I am, I proceeded to rush over to her unit in an attempt to get a closer look. As I trod up the stairs the first thing that came into sight were a pair of giant bare feet underneath very skinny legs, making the feet seem even larger. Not “Oh they’re large” giant but “Oh My God! How huge are those feet?!” giant. As I tried to remain inconspicuous I messaged Kissy simply saying “He has the biggest feet I’ve ever seen, just like a hobbit”. Her reply “Oh that’s Reece, I’ll go let him in”. Truly a momentous moment when a man can be identified simply by the size of his feet.

 

Hobbit in Green Grass Photo
Photo: Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System Part 2 – Hobbit

 

Do Like Dat – After a particularly rowdy night involving schnapps and SingStar Karaoke on the PlayStation I bumped into Kissy’s new bedroom visitor out on the footpath as I was heading back home. Having already seen his online profile to give him the wingman seal of approval I recognised him right away. He seemed lost and being the helpful drunk I was, I promptly directed him to her front door “Go down the drive…” he started walking off to escape the all-knowing now yelling drunk “Turn left, like that”. Little did I realise the significance of what had just played out.

When asked about how he was the next morning, Kissy said that she’d heard the exchange outside and that his penis must have steered him in. He had a kink in his penis which made it bend strongly to the left. In Kissy’s words “It bent over so far that when I was giving him a blowjob I had to …” as she motioned tilting her head over to her right shoulder and actioning this weird jiggly motion “Do like that. It was the only way to manoeuvre without knocking myself out”.

It would be prudent to touch on here that some of the nicknames that stuck don’t make me proud, and in fact make me cringe a little. For one reason or another, they were usually created from trying to find the right descriptor as certain things were said over morning cups of coffee and pancakes. It could have been as simple as recounting something verbally to try and give the best visual description.

Triple Nipple – he was a lovely English man that enjoyed a good ale and had an endearing sweet nature.  Unfortunately his performance in the bedroom was very sub-par. Bless his soul, he tried. The fact he tried so hard and tried to pretend nothing was wrong made the situation worse for himself. There possibly couldn’t be anything more soul crushing for a man who is with a waiting woman only to find himself with a semi-erect penis. For Triple Nipple it was sadly more flaccid than erect and if only he’d been upfront about it I’d have been willing to have him round again. I pulled every trick from my arsenal that night. Diverting away with more foreplay involving other parts of the body, handing him a toy to use on me whilst assuring him these things happen, whipping out a new cock ring (every lady casual lover needs a stash of new cock rings!), suggesting we take a break, suggesting we try again another night. Triple Nipple persisted and made out like there was no problem. And persisted. And persisted. At one point he tried folding his flaccid penis with its baggy blanket condom attached, into my vagina and was successful enough with that manoeuvre that he blew his load almost instantly. And that was the end of that. Trying to describe to a girlfriend just how nubby and squishy and not exciting his penis was she asked with wide-eyes “Was it like he had a third nipple instead of a penis?”. Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what it felt like.

Get ready for another Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System !

 

About the Author: Alicia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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Sexpert is our resident full time sex blogger. Having successfully owned and managed a number of blogs relating to women's lifestyle, she easily blended into her role as chief blogger of the Adultsmart Blog. She is in a long term relationship with her boyfriend. She also runs Good Girl Guide, a sexual lifestyle blog.

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