Packing all of your belonging’s into a U-Haul to move in together after just 3 months is possibly the greatest tradition in lesbian civilization. Alas, it is not just a great joke followed by a wink and a nudge after a first same-sex date – I too am guilty of adhering to the ‘stereotype’ and packed up all of my belongings to move in with my partner after just a few short months.
The beginning of the relationship is fiery, thrilling, impromptu. You find yourself having sex anywhere you can – you need it.
But what happens when the ‘newness’ of the relationship wears off? If you’re unlucky, calamity is certain *Dun dun dunnnnnn* – Lesbian Bed Death. It’s a real thing. Sure, not something that is exclusive to lesbian relationships; though, studies show that long-term lesbian relationships are most at ‘risk’ of having less sex than other couples, and can experience lower levels of intimacy. And as a self-obsessed female in a lesbian relationship, I’m going to explain why you may be feeling this way and give you some tips to help you out of it.
It’s important that you know that I’m not saying it’s the end of the world and I’m certainly not saying that you’re never going to have fiery, thrilling, impromptu sex again, believe me! Though I do know that once you start going down that rabbit hole, it can seem like the pressure of having great sex feels endless and paradoxically, whilst wanting to fix the issue, the pressure of doing so can lead to even less sex or no sex.
Usually by this time you’re both aware of your ‘issues’, though if you feel as though your partner doesn’t fully understand, or isn’t struggling as much as you are – you should definitely begin by talking about what’s happening.
Below are a few other things you could try to kick start that fire:
1. Talk about it. Does your partner feel the same?
No: Tell them how you’re feeling. Explain that you’re feeling distant from them. Assess their reaction and progress to ‘yes’.
Yes: Discuss what might be causing a lack of desire. Exhaustion? Stress? A schedule clash?
The good news is that all of the above you can fix. You most likely need to take some time out for yourselves and then take some time to be with each other. It is common when feeling exhausted or stressed to feel as though you have no time for yourself. Then adding in someone else who feels as though you have no time for them, it can become incredibly frustrating.
Take a bit of time for yourself. Go on a walk, have a bath, get your hair done, wax your legs; whatever makes you feel good, you know? If you’ve been neglecting yourself you need to build you back up first. Now you can focus on mending those holes. Schedule clash? Plan your weeks together. Get out your diaries and make sure you have a couple of free evenings together and maybe a full day (or ideally all weekend) to spend together.
2. If you’ve tried making yourselves have sex for the sake of it, and it hasn’t sparked that fire, try to not have sex for 30 days. I know, I know. You’re trying to get it on, but sometimes giving yourselves a break from ‘forcing’ the deed can reset that desire and build up some sexual tension. This means no touching of anything that’s usually covered by your bra or underwear, okay!
You’ll need to mutually agree to this but it is a great way to build up some ‘organic’ sexual tension.
Try other intimate practices. Back/shoulder massages, a candle lit bath together or even a candle lit w/vino dinner. The idea of no sex for a month isn’t to drive you away from each other, it’s to still get your intimacy fix, whilst sub-consciously building back up that desire.
3. Whilst on that 30 day rest, try to not discuss sex either. Lesbians love to overthink and can over talk just about anything to demise. Leave the topic off of the list. If you’re both already experiencing a stint in your sex drives, you’ve probably already given each other shit about it, especially if you’re a psycho lesbian like me anyway. Because you know, it’s never your fault!
Put the topic away. Don’t even think about it. Why create more stress than you’re already experiencing?
4. BRING BACK DATE NIGHT. So frequently at the beginning of a relationship, we surprise each other or set a night which is your night. Bring that back. Don’t invite anyone else. Do an activity, or ideally something which you can really enjoy each other’s company doing. For example, bowling, dinner at a restaurant or try learning a new skill together like a cooking class, or a sculpting class.
If you’re on a low budget, clear the house of any house mates and do an activity together at home or have a games night. Trust me, it’s a great, inexpensive way to re-connect with each other.
5. During your month of no sex, adopt a ‘no criticism policy’. Just stop! It’s so easy to snap at your partner when you’re feeling stressed or tired, and say something hurtful or critical that is unnecessary. That negativity boils over and that could be the reason you’re in this situation. I’m the worst, if I’m having a bad day or I’m feeling down, I’ve been known (slight understatement) to pick at my partner at the little things and just being a generally bitter bitch. Stop that!
Compliment each other. Thank them for things. “Hey thanks for cleaning the kitchen” or “thanks or doing some washing”. Negativity breeds negativity and naturally if you flip that positivity is only going to breed positivity.
Lesbian bed death isn’t the end of your relationship and there are SO many more things you can try to get back into the swing of things. All it takes is a little romancin’, a date night and being less critical of each other, to get you back to those early passionate days.
Happy re-connecting!
About the author: Chloe is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres
Richard, our marketing guru, steers Adultsmart’s online presence. With over 10 years in the industry, he’s passionate about sexual health and lifestyle issues.