I Escaped My Relationship From Hell

Why going through relationships from hell have been the best thing to ever happen to me.

Believe it or not, being in a relationship that took me to the depths of hell has actually benefited me in more ways than one. You might be thinking to yourself “this girl has lost her mind” but honestly, I never knew my self-worth and how much I deserved until now. How many people can tell you exactly what they want in a relationship? I’m not talking about dates and materialistic items, I’m talking about deal breakers and personality traits that are a big no.

When I look at myself in the mirror I now see my worth, I am a diamond, a warrior, and a queen. Believe it or not I was a victim, and that’s exactly what I saw myself as, someone who was labelled as a victim and my self-worth was affected by that. For a long time, I let the man in my life dictate how I was allowed to feel and when I was allowed to feel it, for a long time I was only with men who were capable of loving themselves.

It took me a long time to realise that they never cared. They never asked me how my day was, they never asked about the way I felt, and they never even asked if I was happy with them. They only cared about themselves. It was always about how they felt, what they wanted to do, their agony, their suffering, and their problems, and what I was going through was never on their mind.

They put me through hell, from doubting myself and always feeling like I wasn’t good enough from the physical to the emotional they tore me down. Sometimes I can’t work out if it was the physical pain or the emotional pain that hurt more and affected me more. I guess at the time physically hurting me was worse, but it’s not until days, weeks and years later the emotional damage becomes worse, every little thing I would doubt myself on, crying myself to sleep, crying while driving, crying in the shower, every moment hoping that you would see the pain in my eyes and ask me if I was ok. Every moment I would wonder when you would realise everything I did was for you and when you would start to appreciate me even if it was just for a little.

My thoughts would eat away at me, I felt like I was always alone with them, I felt I had to go through all of this alone because I knew they would never be there for me. Maybe that’s why I harmed myself, maybe that’s why I felt so numb all the time and would question myself whether I was over reacting because who else did I have to talk to? Every time I tried to talk to them about it, or even tried to talk about myself they would ignore me, tell me to stop over reacting, change the subject, tell me to shut up and stop whinging.

It was all those nights I slept alone that I realised I didn’t need them, all those nights they were off with other people, friends, or excuses, parties and business. I only needed myself, I was the only one who had my back, just me. I learnt that I was worthy from being so alone. To be with them but feel more alone than ever worked opposite then what it should. I learnt to be independent, I learnt to take care of myself and I learnt to look after my own feelings. The moment that you feel strong enough to take on the world by yourself is a very powerful and uplifting moment. I learnt that after all the pain and suffering they put me through, I was powerful. I had survived their waves of abuse physically and emotionally, their judgement and their savage remarks, I realised exactly the way I should be treated and this wasn’t it. I realised that they weren’t able to love me the way I deserved.

Image: Well-being quote

Hell became the best thing that happened to me, because of hell I realised my own worth. I realised how worthy of love and affection I was, even all those times they told me I wasn’t special enough or didn’t deserve it, or someone else deserved it. Even though at the time I believed all those horrible reason I am glad they told me them, I am glad they didn’t think I was worth it. I am so glad they told me I didn’t deserved kindness and generosity or to be spoilt, because it made me realise even more of how worthy I really am. They helped me to become the strongest version of me there possibly could be, how to break free from their grasp, and into a new life of love and worthiness.

I am so much worthier than what they were capable of giving me. Love, affection, appreciation, surprise dates, walks along the water, forehead kisses, respect, trust and honesty, these are all the things I am truly worthy of, these are all the things I am able to appreciate more now than I thought could be possible.

I never thought I would say these words, but I thank them for what they put me through. My body and heart cringes when those words come out of my mouth but deep down I am thankful, because if it wasn’t for them and the hell they put me through I would have never been able to truly deserve someone giving me their whole heart and to appreciate it fully.

Because of them I will never ever settle for anything less than I deserve, for the very first time I am able to put myself first.

The moment you realise your worth isn’t defined by how much I do for others or how much crap I am able to take. The moment when I realise that my worth is defined by myself and the sky is the limit with what I deserve. I deserve self-care, self-love and self-respect. I have become my number one believer in myself.

No one, not just women, should know that no person has the right to be able to put them down, or make them feel worthless and that they don’t deserve love.

We are worth being fought for, we are worth to be chased, we are worth to be spoilt, we are worth love and we are worthy of commitment, and if someone tells us otherwise they are not worthy of our presence.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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