Yesterday my partner and I were having one of those iconic serious talks about our relationship and the future of it, while we were driving in the car he turned and said to me;
“I’m your first normal boyfriend aren’t I” (it wasn’t a question he was asking it was a statement)
I responded with “yea I guess you are”
which his response was “i know because sometimes you act funny”
I sat in the car thinking, when I think I go quiet and he then asked me if I was OK.
Truth is I wasn’t sure if I was OK, I wasn’t sure what exactly to think, or how to feel, I knew in that moment though and many moments before that he had noticed me and he had noticed my feelings.
I guess you could say that was a new experience for me, so later that night, and again this morning I started thinking some more, and I have come to the conclusion that I do not know how to act or feel in a good relationship.
There are often times I have over thought the situation, over analysed a comment, a text message, the exact wording, every fine detail. The first thing I learnt entering into my relationship now is that the thing that made me realise just how toxic my previous situations were was unlearning all my previous “habits” for coping.
Apologising is my worst habit, which doesn’t seem all that bad, but I apologise for everything,especially if I feel like my partner may not like something I will take blame and apologise, to ensure nothing escalates. I use to blame myself for a lot of things especially things I knew would trigger my previous partners, now I find myself have to unteach all the triggers and stop being sorry for them.
Over compensation is also a huge habit I have, toxic past situations taught me that the love I deserve, I will never get in full. It taught me that love was based on rules and only good behaviour would be rewarded with affection, toxic situations taught me that I would never be good enough and that I had to keep trying.
Looking back on past situations now I see that it was very hard to love someone who was basically unlovable and intolerable to love, but somehow I found the good in them, and I didn’t give up. The transition between a toxic situation becoming single and learning to love myself and now actually being loved has been a huge eye opener. My new relationship may not be what I am use to but it is exactly what I deserve.
In the past my best was not good enough, so I tried harder to prove my love, and finally when I am completely comfortable in this relationship when all my walls and down I know I will love this person with everything I have inside of me and it will be good enough.
I forced myself to come into this relationship with clear eyes and mind, I chose to love like I give a shit wholeheartedly, even though it was terribly difficult at first, even if I thought everyone had motives, and that everyone lies and hides things. I had to force myself to stop making assumptions about certain situations and then explain to my partner how I came to this wild conclusion, not because I don’t trust him, but because my past situations have taught me every loop hole that causes pain.
How can things really be this good? How can he actually have a conversation with another girl without hurting me.
Someone who actually respects me, this has to be too good to be true.
Pain was normal and it no longer hurt the same as it did at the start, my threshold for pain and my tolerance became impermeable to the point where the things that break up most relationships didn’t seem so bad to me. People often comment how weak someone is or has to be to stay in a toxic relationship, but for me its quite the opposite. It takes someone very strong to go through what they have and still be able to find the good and not giving up even if that person doesn’t deserve your loyalty and love. It takes an even stronger person to be able to walk away, and even stronger then that to love again and accept love.
Then finally there it is, finally you learn what love really is, its a holy shit I can breathe moment. You don’t wince of flinch when they lift their hand to affectionately place it on your leg. His affection no longer surprises you anymore, and you finally feel this beautiful feeling, a feeling of calm, and you breathe. You are fully aware no anxiety not stress no pain just breathing in that moment.
Its OK if your not sure how to navigate a good relationship, its OK if you don’t trust at the start or if your not sure if you should listen to your gut about situations, its OK to be vulnerable and learn because this person will not cause you harm. At the start its hard to navigate how many compliments is too many, or whats a good compliment to give, or even how much you have to pull to not seem crazy or over the top, and you defiantly do not have to think about how much is enough or not enough to give.
Because its at that moment the good relationship will happen its at that moment that they will fall in love with you, the vulnerable you, the you that because this way because of everything you have gone through and the you that will now be taught that love isnt manipulation.
I am continuously amazed at this guy, and I spend a lot of time staring at him in awe, this is what good feels like.
when you build her back up and love her the way she deserves, a change happens and in return, you get a love so pure, so genuine, and so unconditional. She will heal you in ways you didn’t even know you needed just as you did her”
morgan x
Meet Morgan, a young designer advocating equality and speaking out against violence. Her journey in the adult industry has been transformative.