Get Over It – Won’t YOU?

Why do they keep bringing up the past?

I know I do it, I know it’s a common occurrence in most relationships, and I know most partners question why! It seems to be a common issue that I have noticed in relationships while trying oh so very hard to move on with life and “get over it” the past rears its ugly head and pokes the bear as so to speak. But at some point, does anybody ask why? Does anybody question or delve deeper to find out why it keeps being brought up? Partners constantly call it nagging or whinging but what about finding out the root of the “whinging” or “nagging”.

Getting On With It
Moving On

Some people need validation, they need to feel as though their problems, issues or concerns are fully understood by the person who hurt them. All you need to do is validate that what you did was wrong in one way or another to them, so they can feel as though you truly are trying to reflect on their concerns. The power of validation is a huge power to hold.

Sometimes all they need is acknowledgement, you can’t keep trying to fix something that is broken, it will never be the same again, all you can do it accept it and move on to a different path. Women and men process things in different ways, sometimes we express our emotions externally and sometimes we express them internally neither is wrong or right, we just need to understand that things aren’t always done the way we do them.

The ones we perceived as negative, aren’t actually negative it’s just the way in which they process their feelings in a more open format. Unprocessed emotions can have a bubble up affect and unless they are dealt with in a way they are comfortable with they become a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.  Negativity is just unprocessed emotions, try not to take it personally sometimes there is a process of emotions that they need to go through first before they are able to fix it. Normally when someone is negative their mood will make you feel uncomfortable, so you try and fix their mood to fix their issues, this isn’t always helpful and is often mistaken for you dismissing their feelings which in turn makes you think that they are always negative and unhappy.

Trying to validate an issue without being the winner of the argument is a tough one to navigate. You need to do this with an open mind, not the mindset of always being right, your aim is to repair the damage, not cause it to become worse. The aim should be to deepen you’re understanding, respect, and work on the security of your relationship. This means not becoming defensive when you feel something is not going the way you want it too. It’s about validating one another and clearing up all misunderstandings.

When someone is emotionally processing an issue, is does not mean that every time they are emotional it is directed at you. It isn’t always a personal attack, you need to reassure yourself in that moment that they might not be angry or upset at you, ask for clarity if you are unsure and try very hard not to be defensive. They might express to you that it is external to your relationship and at that moment take a breather, you know it’s not personal!

Usually when a partner is bringing up past issues in a defensive way it is because previously when they have brought it up it hasn’t gone well. Insecurities in relationships are the biggest hurdle to overcome especially when there is something significant they feel is lacking.

Letting It Go
Talk About It

Have a conversation about it! That is my best advice, sit down and talk about it, sometimes the other person doesn’t know what they are missing or the extent of how much something is bothering you unless you talk about it. This leads to subtle expressions and hints being over thought about and thus jumping to conclusions. Most of the time we let issues bottle up until something small happens and it all comes crashing down together, this could be due to fear about how you will take it or maybe they are still hurting about a certain situation and struggle to bring it up. Beating yourself up about it isn’t going to help, we all need to front situations head on and deal with them as they are, in a vulnerable state with no hidden agendas.

Rarely ignoring a situation will ever make the issue go away, this leads to unpredictable bouts of aggression and hurt that is highly unnecessary and may be the reason you feel as though you are constantly walking on egg shells. Trying to defend yourself while also trying to fix the situation never works, you both need to work together, take note of how you are feeling and ask yourself why you are feeling those emotions. Do not bottle them up until one small thing makes you break, because then something that is tiny might be perceived as a big issue, express what you need in the moment and work on it.

 

Morgan x

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