FetLife Sub Finds A Daddy Dom!

“What? I’m supposed to start off slow in the BDSM lifestyle…”

This is the question that I asked myself after diving headlong in to the deep end of the proverbial BDSM pool. I’m sure that there would have been less shocking and more nurturing ways to ease myself in to the kind of level that I started on, where my limits that I thought were rock solid, became rather fluid and the lines of what I was and wasn’t willing to do became blurred. I’ll start at the beginning to give you a better idea of where I was and where I am now.

After a sudden break up late last year, I ventured once again, into the judgmental world of Tinder. Not expecting much this time around, but I thought it might be good for some laughs. After a few weeks of messaging and flirty phone calls, I took the leap and arranged a ‘date’ with a man who I thought may be strong enough to fulfil my newly found need to be dominated; alas this was not the case. Pre-breakup, I possibly would have been satisfied with a bit of rough, but fairly vanilla play. Apparently, this was not the case anymore.

I still vividly remember the lightbulb moment that occurred during my first session with a Dom and how the submissive experience freed me from all of the social constraints that I was hiding behind. It left me feeling fulfilled and I knew then, that was what had been missing from my sexual experience. The feeling of the blindfold blocking my sight, the collar restricting my movement and the feeling of handing over control to another person put me in to a state of a complete and fulfilling calm that I had never felt before.

Fast forward a few weeks of fruitless Tinder matches and an introduction to KiK Messenger, along came Mr. K and Mr. V, neither of which have anything about being Dom in nature, on their profiles, but both of which I seem to be intrinsically drawn to. After short pleasantries and ‘getting to know you’ conversations, we move the interaction across to KiK Messenger. For those who aren’t familiar with the Tinder app, it is a little limiting, you can’t send pictures or live chat. Since, I make it a point to not give out my phone number or email address until I have met with the person and am happy that they’re not just a creepy stalker, KiK Messenger works well for me.

So, both Mr. V and Mr. K made their preferences very clear as soon as we switched platforms, apparently my profile picture on KiK screams ‘I’m submissive!’, the conversation back and forth with Mr. K escalated quickly and a few days later I was on my way to meet him for our first session. For safety reasons, when meeting with someone new, I will always let a friend know where I am and also have them call for a safety check within a certain timeframe. Little did I know that I was about to experience my very first true submissive experience.

Since we had discussed limits and how the scene was going to play out, there wasn’t much in the way of conversation when I arrived. It was straight in to the scene. Mr. K did have me confirm that ‘No, means no’, which I found reassuring. But I was completely blindsided by his borderline sadist style, and what surprised me even more, was how much I enjoyed it. Being spanked hard until my arse was an angry shade of red, gagging so much that I had tears running down my cheeks and being used as a fuck toy, these were all new experiences. Once the scene was over and our clothing was back on, we spent time just getting to know each other and discussing the session.

Soon after Mr. K, I had my first and only session with Mr. V, who has a completely different style and thus led to a different experience. For me, the intimacy aspects of Mr. V’s play made me uncomfortable and it took me longer to get in to the scene than it did with Mr. K. I have always had an issue with intimacy, especially when it comes to looking people in the eye and expressing love. I just find it uncomfortable. This session pushed the boundaries of my limits. It was a mixture of age play, degradation and orgasm denial. All of which, again was new to me. I never thought that I would enjoy being spat on in a scene (spit still grosses me out in everyday life), but surprise, it added to the intensity of the scene. There was not much in the way of aftercare with Mr. V, I just hadn’t left enough time for aftercare. I was meeting a friend after our session, but we have kept in contact since he returned to the US.

Woman who's sexually submissive
Image: Submissive woman

Somewhere between session 2 and session 3 with Mr. K, he introduced me to FetLife and Whiplr, both specific sites and apps for those in the kink community. That’s where the fun really began! I almost felt like a virgin again. Actually a more accurate description would be that I really felt like ‘fresh meat’. It was such an eye opening experience. I have never relied on urban dictionary more than I did in that first week of signing up for the site and app.

It was on FetLife that I found a link to a kink based personality test www.bdsmtest.org which I thought was going to be great for a laugh at how ambiguous the profile analysis was, but it turns out that the results are pretty true to my personality and preferences. The site allows you to take the test in several forms: Dominant Questions Only; Submissive Questions Only; Full Test Questions. Since I was pretty sure that I had no dominance in my personality, I opted to take the submissive only questions.

Like I said, I wasn’t expecting any life changing revelations hidden in my results. It was partially true, but what I did find very interesting, was the detailed explanations on what each part of the result was. I would really encourage everyone to take the test, for most, the results are a real eye opener. My results, combined with my FetLife profile, led to me finding a Daddy Dom who is helping me to find my limits in a more controlled way. The further I got in to the kink community, the more I felt that it was necessary for me to take a step back, go back to the starting point that I skipped over at the start of my journey an solidify my limits to make further exploration and play safer in the long run.

In our last catch up, Mr.K and I were talking about how far I had come in the 5 weeks since we had met. So much so, that he was unaware that I had little to no experience when we started, which I was pretty sure that I had disclosed before our initial meeting. This brought home how important communication is between play/life partners so that lines are not crossed or misunderstood and how swiftly miscommunication can lead to a potentially dangerous situation especially with the use of of BDSM sex toys and gear like whips and crops.

All of which has led to me embracing my sexuality, being a more confident person, becoming a part of the Adultsmart family and sharing my learning experiences with the wider community.

Author: Mia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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Jennifer works marketing at Adultsmart an online sex toy shop. She has a non-judgemental approach to sex, sex toys and sexuality. Her favorite saying is if it feels good and right and is not illegal then why not!

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