Dr. Stacy, How Can I Achieve An Orgasm?

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with Adultsmart to answer some of your deepest and most intimate anonymous questions from Reddit.

Question

I am a woman who is having difficulty achieving an orgasm.

When you talk to women like me what advice do you tell them?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

When being intimate, the main focus of sex should be about enjoying the journey, focusing on the pleasure and not being concerned about the performance.   Of course, having an orgasm is definitely an important part too, especially for women, but it isn’t always easy for a woman to have an orgasm.   Not because the lack of trying, but some women may not understand what is needed to help themselves achieve the big-O.  Some women can orgasm through vaginal sex, while some can only have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation.  Believe it or not, about 75% of women must have clitoral stimulation to orgasm, so if you are concerned that you are only able to do it on your own or with your partners help orally or manually, you are not alone- actually, you are the majority.  So what can you do to help improve your chances of having an orgasm?

1. First, make sure there are no medical conditions that are keeping you from having an orgasm such as conditions that may have sexual side effects, any nerve damage, or medications that you take, which may reduce sensitivity, such as antidepressants. If all that is good, then it may be something more in your mind, which is keeping you from feeling the pleasure.
2. Masturbate! If you don’t know what you like or how your body reacts to stimulation, how can you expect your partner to know?  People enjoy different sensations and get turned on by varied types of touch.  It is up to you to know your body and to take the time to learn what touches feel good and what places on your body can be more sensitive.  Put on some soft music, turn down the lights, and go into bed or maybe even a bathtub and begin. Start slow; make sure you are able to relax someplace where you won’t be interrupted.  There are no rules on how or what to do, just as long as you do something that feels good.  You have to clear your mind and focus on the feelings you are producing and allow yourself to breathe. Which brings me to the third suggestion.
3. Learning how to be in the moment, to enjoy the sensations and feelings you are experiencing is very important for women.  We are always thinking of laundry that needs to be done, errands that need to be run, kids that need to be taken care of and everything else under the sun.  Breathing slow, deep, purposeful breaths can put us more into a state of relaxation so we can focus. Women especially, need to be more mentally and physically in tune to themselves when trying to have an orgasm, so learning to relax and breathe is very important as it allows you to be present with yourself.
4. Get in the mood. If you are with a partner, communicate with them and work together to prime each other up throughout the day.  Start with verbal communication, such as sexy words and thoughts, flirty texts and doing things that make you feel sexy!  Put some lingerie on underneath your clothes, do your make up, get a pedicure, read “50 Shades of Gray”, dab some clit stimulating cream between your legs through the day so you feel a slight throb as you think of what’s to come.  Creams that have L-Argenine are great for bringing blood flow to the surface, so look for creams that may include that ingredient.
5. Don’t be afraid to help yourself while being intimate or having sex! If you have a free hand or a toy, use it!  Don’t be shy! Since the majority of women orgasm through clitoral stimulation, you have a better chance to enjoy an orgasm if you manually stimulate yourself or use a toy during intercourse to help bring you where you want to go!  A silver bullet is a great starting toy, since it’s easy to use and lots of fun!
6. Position, position, position! Play around with different positions, amounts of pressure and motions to learn what works best for you. Prop yourself up with a pillow under your hips and move with your partner in a slightly circular, grinding motion.  This will help put some pressure and friction on the clit, which stimulates the nerves just at the right spot. Playing around with different movements, speeds and techniques can be the ticket to better orgasms and most importantly, take the time to enjoy sex for pleasure and not performance.  That will also help determine your potential for orgasmic bliss!

An important take away is that you are responsible for your pleasure and orgasm. Your partner can help for sure, but it is the woman’s responsibility to know herself and her needs so she can be open to allowing her mind and body to enjoy what the journey has to offer.  The closer connected you are to your partner and the more warmed up you get ahead of time, the more likely you will have success in allowing your body to enjoy an orgasm to its fullest potential!