Picture your typical Friday evening leaving work for the day, thinking about what needs to be done when you get home and your only worry is deciding what you’re going to make for dinner…
Instead you come home to complete devastation. Your house is wide open, all the lights are on, doors wide open, curtains ripped down and your belongings are thrown around in piles all over the floor. Your puppies are nowhere to be seen. Your eyes are watering, your nose and throat are burning because there is that much pepper spray and your partner is missing… the only thing that explains anything is a piece of paper taped to your side gate. Hours later your partner returns home and everything finally hits as to what has happened.
That is just the start of the violation and betrayal you feel.
It’s a struggle to wrap your head around everything, a home you shared with someone special in your life has been destroyed and you’re now alone. Even the fact of how this all came to light? You find out the person you have shared a life with wasn’t leading the life you thought. You feel torn and emotional, your partner is being locked up and you are on your own with it- while still in shock and feeling traumatised.
I don’t know what it feels to be the person in jail nor do I know what it feels like to be that person’s parents, brother or sister etc. But I do know how it feels to be that person’s partner, together for four a half years and now the start of a whole new kind of relationship.
Prison visits are not what you think they might be, there is no rooms where you can be completely intimate with each other. There is just open rooms with tables and chairs that are bolted to the concrete floor, CCTV cameras everywhere, jumpsuits that are cable tied at the back and prison guards constantly watching your every move.
You are now faced with the feeling of yourself actually being locked in, long queues with people who appear anything from carefree- been there, done it all too often- feeling just as traumatised as you, being subjected to security checks; having to endure searches, including your hair and mouth, sniffer dogs deployed to detect illegal drugs and tobacco, and CCTV and lots of it!
You feel like you are the one who has committed the crime, your led into cold and clinical visiting rooms; it all feels alien and degrading.
Something as simple as a hug and kiss become the only bit of intimacy you get, and even that is watched with peering eyes not just by the prison guards but also the other inmates as well. Your phone calls are only six minutes long and they are always being listened into, guards read letters before they are given to your partner so nothing is private. Even photos you’d be happy to post on Facebook are questioned, because you have to remember that not all these guys have girlfriends and or wives, and some have been in for a very long time…
Depending on what your partner is in jail for really determines how much you can handle, when your partner has lead a “double life” as such, there is some horrible truths, rumours and lies that also surface.
There are a few attributes of a prison wife/girlfriend;
Patience
When your partner is in prison patience is a huge attribute, you have to patiently wait throughout the duration of not only your partners sentence but also for their calls and letters. You might get a few calls a day or not hear from your partner for days. Letters take a week to get to them, and then you have to wait for a reply. All your conversations are delayed, and you cant just pick up the phone and call them.
On the outside after release there are inevitable adjustments that requires even more patience than waiting for a prison term to end. But learning to face adversity with determination will pay off when it comes to the strength of the relationship.
Loyalty
Loyalty and trust is imperative for the relationship to function and survive, if there are any doubts in the relationship it can cause issues and arguments. Also being able to withstand judgment from family or friends can be difficult, as everyone will have their own opinion as to what you should be doing in the relationship.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness can be one of the biggest hurdles; there is a lot of time for reflection on the situation. Holding a grudge when you’re hurting is very common and it almost always makes it hurt more and in turn make you miserable.
Overthinking can actually inflict more pain over time then the initial hurt did. Forgiveness not only takes a weight off your shoulders but also gives the relationship hope and a fresh platform in which to continue on.
Hope
Hope is a powerful tool not only for your partner but for yourself as well. When your partner is in prison you no longer have the constant reassurance of your partner’s love or commitment that in itself can be incredibly difficult.
To find hope in the darkest of times gives you the confidence to be able to support your own feelings and emotions. Writing letters everyday can provide not only support for your partner but also can be used as a form of support for yourself. Expressing ones feelings through writing takes the burden off your mind, and is a great tool for triumphing over the separation you are feeling.
Motivation
Giving up is easy; pushing through the hard times to want more from life is hard especially when you feel there is nothing left for you. Talking about goals with your partner gives motivation to the relationship and a want to do better when they are released. It is easy to fall back into olds ways but with confidence, a better life can be formed.
Helping to find a job after can be hard but to know that you are bettering yourself and your family can be the motivation they need to try harder for a better life, and a life away from crime. A we are in this together attitude is important!
Persistence
Hard work does pay off; strength in diversity will make your relationship unbreakable, and a healthier and happier partnership. It’s not about agreeing with what your partner has done or accepting their lifestyle, its showing them there is a better life out there and there is no need for deceit and crime. Deceit and lying are the main issues in this lifestyle, it is a horrible world and showing them there is something better out there for them with constant support can make the relationship full again.
It’s not all roses though and sometimes the small thorn that was present before becomes larger, a perspective is normally shown. You find yourself questioning the previous lifestyle you were subjected to and if that lifestyle sits right with you.
Self-exploration, and going back to the basics really shows who a person is and what they are willing to achieve in life. When a relationship flourishes with only phone calls and letters anything is possible. You cherish those moments when you can just hold your partner and hear his heart beat when you hug him, the peering eyes don’t phase you anymore because in that moment it’s just you and him. This is really when you start to realise how much you love each other, and in turn you realise how much they truly love you. It’s not always what you think though, and realising a relationship is one sided is painful.
Whether you chose to stay or leave you need to make that decision for yourself, a relationship is that, just a relationship like any other. Without love and trust there is nothing, and there is no need to seek other fulfilment just for selfish needs.
Be true to yourself and your partner, sometimes you can fix what is broken, other times you can’t. At the end of the day respect and trust triumph through all the hard times, you just need to know where your heart and your head stand. If you are working towards rebuilding your relationship, you can use sexual aids and sex games to reignite passion.
Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres
Meet Morgan, a young designer advocating equality and speaking out against violence. Her journey in the adult industry has been transformative.