Reconnecting With Your Lover – 7 Experts Share Advice!

Experts Advice

Claudia Six, PhD, Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Coach, www.drsix.net and author of Erotic Integrity.

Claudia Six Phd
Photo: Claudia Six

When sex fades in a relationship, happens less and less frequently to not at all, there’s a very good reason why. When things get gummed up in bed, there’s always a way that it makes perfect sense. You can try tricks and toys, but you also need to open your mouth, and talk – to each other, not your best friend.

Talk about what sex represents for you (connection, release, a way to get to sleep, a spiritual event…). It’s ok if you have different answers – you’re different people.

Ask each other what you haven’t been saying, the stuff you’ve been afraid to tell your partner because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings. This is the time to be candid. Having difficult conversations actually has the most potential to boost intimacy and eroticism in a relationship.

Cassie Wolfe, PhD, Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Sex Therapist

Cassie Wolfe Phd And Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Photo: Cassie Wolfe

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.  Your needs are important and valued.  It is common for life, work, stress, anxiety, having children, differing work schedules, etc. to get in the way.  Make having a connection with your partner/s/ a priority, even if that means actually scheduling a specific time on your calendar.  It’s also normal to have variation in one’s sex drive.  Just remember that some partners experience responsive arousal – meaning they get more excited in the midst of foreplay (which reminds me – FOREPLAY!! Stop rushing and don’t forget FOREPLAY), while some can be more spontaneous.  Focus on the quality over quantity.

Cassie’s Facebook Page

Michelle Roberton

Tantric Counselor
Michelle Roberton
Body Love
Love Activist

Sexual Trauma and Intimacy Expert

Often in our fast pace world we can loose connection with ourselves and our own bodies, let alone our Lovers. Stuck in our heads and goals, our body looses it’s mojo and so too do our relationships.  I feel there are three major keys that firstly support us to be more connected to our self and then those same three keys support us to reconnect with our lover.  We cannot give what we have not got, so it is essential I feel, to connect firstly to self so our connection with our lover has substance and authenticity behind it.

These three keys are:

The breath … immersing into the rhythm of your own breath, not changing it.  Just feeling the rise and fall of your own breath.  If we can intimately know our own breath, we can then intimately breathe with another.  This brings us into the our body, slows us down and brings the second key ; Presence ~ being here and now with our lover and full in our body.   And finally the third key, as we breath we open, we surrender and we become more aware of our senses… the smell of our lover, the touch of their skin, the sound of their breath … the taste of them on our lips.
Simple keys I know … breathe, presence and the senses.  But who ever said sex has to be a performing art or complicated?

Darren Michaels  Flipside

       
Erotic Literature
Erotic Author
2010 IPPY Award Winning Author
Featured guest/contributor on:
Cosmo.com                    AskMen.com
Playboy Radio                Foxnews.com
Match.com                     Galtime.com
Women’s Health   
As the old saying goes “Familiarity breeds contempt”; human beings needs variety and novelty, it is our nature.  When you fall into a routine with someone, these things go away.  One of the best thing about having an intimate partner it just that…intimate knowledge of one another.  You both are already past the awkward beginning stage of a relationship where you are trying to figure out each other’s boundaries.  This is likely well established by now.  Use it to your advantage.  
 
Plan a nice dinner and an adult conversation about this topic.  Men are too ego-fragile to try something for fear of getting shot down, and many women are far more sexually adventurous than their partner will ever know, but don’t outwardly express this.  If you are going to do adult things, you need to have adult conversations as well.
Find out what has been done before and enjoyed, find out what has never done but always wanted to.  Be adults and have the conversation in advance, this will set the stage for a rekindling,and hopefully infusing some new adventure into the mix as well!

Amory Jane

Comedian
Sex Educator
Comedian, variety host, podcaster, producer…

I think touch is extremely important and many people are touch-deprived and out in the world feeling lonely. I don’t think technology is the enemy though – I think it can be used for good to help connect people. However, I do believe that intimacy is something tons of people struggle with, and always being on our phones and computers can make it even harder to be present when we’re face to face. I would advise people to make time every week where they tuck away technology and turn in toward each other. Focus on open and vulnerable communication or interesting intellectual conversations. If you don’t know what to discuss, search online beforehand and print off or write down prompts, and then really listen to each other. I also highly encourage non-sexual touch while talking, like holding hands or cuddling. If you’re with someone where sex is an option and you’re feeling connected in that way, sensually exploring each other’s bodies (without a goal of orgasm) can be wonderful for building and maintaining intimacy.

Walker Thornton

Self Care Consultant
Author And Sex Educator

Public speaker, relationship consultant and author

It’s an experience I’ve had just enough to know it is our most desired way of experiencing sexual intimacy. My best sexual experiences are those where I connect with my partner and we’re both aware of our mutual desire for pleasure. A dance has to have 2 active partners—it’s a give and take. Sex is no different. We learn by listening or sensing another’s body, we adjust accordingly and we flow together. There are plenty of men out there, of all ages, who consider sex as “sticking it in” and getting off. They don’t understand the importance of mutuality, nor do they understand the power of two people equally engaged and actively participating.

Dr. Stacy Friedman

Certified Sex Coach
Clinical Sexologist

Sexpert, Sex Coach, Intimacy Consultant

Want to reconnect sexually with your lover? Get out of your routine and try something different! Many times finding ways to reconnect can be something as easy as bringing in some variety. Have a night filled with learning your partners body, something that I like to call “Exploration Nights”! Our bodies are filled with erogenous zones that are never touched, kissed, licked or loved.  Your body is not just lips, breasts, and genitals as it starts from the head and ends at the toes. Take advantage of slowly touching, massaging, and appreciating the little nooks and crannies that your partner has.  The crease of the elbow, the bend of the knee, the inner arm or the curves of the ankle…these can stimulate nerves and sensations that you never knew you had.  Focus on the idea of feeling pleasure verse the idea of performance where you can enjoy the actual act of connection and intimacy rather than having the experience be all about the ins and outs of intercourse. What exactly does that mean? Being intimate is about being vulnerable and being in the moment.  Take the time to see how your lover reacts to your touch, how they move, the softness of their skin and talk about what you enjoyed the best. When you take the opportunity to just spend time enjoying each other and building the connection, it makes all the difference in your relationship and your sexual connection.  You feel more in tune to your partner, how they feel and react to your touch as well as different things that they may enjoy, now that you took the time to explore. To read more about how to truly build your intimacy on your “Exploration Night”, download your free digital copy of my new Amazon best selling book, “Confessions & Lessons of a Sexpert”, found on www.DrStacyBook.com or for a paperback and Kindle version, you can find it on Amazon.

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Sexpert is our resident full time sex blogger. Having successfully owned and managed a number of blogs relating to women’s lifestyle, she easily blended into her role as chief blogger of the Adultsmart Blog. She is in a long term relationship with her boyfriend. She also runs Good Girl Guide, a sexual lifestyle blog.

Ask Dr. Stacy Friedman – What Is A Chastity Device?

dr. stacy friedman

Every month Dr. Stacy Friedman acclaimed clinical sexologist and certified sex coach answers questions posed by adultsmart readers.  With the ever-growing popularity of forced chastity in relationships this month she has chosen to answer two questions, with the one all encompassing answer.

Brett

Is it becoming more common for women requiring their male to wear chastity devices? Are there studies about males being kept locked in chastity or women requiring it?

 

Maria

Is it safe for a penis to be in the cage for 7 days? How do I start with his orgasm denial? Weekly denial or less?

Chastity Gear
Chastity Devices

I have been receiving quite a few questions regarding chastity devices and cages so I decided to but these two questions together.  Chastity devices or cages for the penis are gaining popularity more so in the kink or BDSM communities. They wear these devices as part of role playing, dom/sub relationships or to intensify their sexual experiences. I do have to say that there aren’t too many studies regarding this subject so it isn’t always easy to find or learn information about it.  It is something that both partners have to agree and that is right for the couple involved.

 

As far as safety of keeping the penis in a cage for 7 days, I highly suggest you start slow and at a minimum and build up to the length of time you are looking for.  Men may have 4-5 erections during the night and you need to be careful the cage isn’t restricted the blood flow or too tight so you don’t cause any nerve damage or discourage blood flow because the skin is getting pinched or the vessels are restricted.  From what I have heard from urologists, it isn’t often that people come to them complaining of problems due to these devices so either people keep quiet or there aren’t many problems that arise from using them.

 

According to Dr. King, a urologist, it is cautioned against any long-term or continuous use of such a device, anything more than four to six hours, if it places any significant compression on the tissue directly. Dr. King states, “Overnight use may still be problematic. Nocturnal/spontaneous erections are hypothesized to exist to encourage blood flow and stretching of the vascular and erectile tissue to keep it healthy and prevent atrophy. Like any other tendon, ligament, or muscle in the body—use it or lose it. I can’t see how preventing these spontaneous nocturnal erections can be healthy. But I can’t prove any long-term damage.”

 

I recommend taking things slow, then build it up to make sure you are safe, experiment and don’t fear this form of foreplay as many find it very intense and stimulating.

 Doctor Stacy’s Contacts –

Facebook: drstacyfriedman

Twitter: @drstacyfriedman

LinkedIn: drstacy

Skype: creatingintimacycoach

Pinterest: drstacyfriedman

As always we look forward to next months answers.  Keep your questions rolling in – unfortunately due to the Doctors hectic work schedule she is only answering a question each month at the moment, so if your is not answered immediately and have patience, it may be in the future…

Rick is the owner of the Adultsmart, an online sex toy shop that stocks over 13,000 products. He has been involved in the adult lifestyle industry for more than 25 years. Rick is an active sex blogger who provides a wealth of information and experience. He is an advocate of equality for gender and sexuality.

Love Without Boundaries!

Boundless Love

Ill openly admit I hate everyone equally, how can you not, people are horrid! However, I do love people watching, that is fascinating, there is something that resinates in everyone and that is the act of judging people from afar, it doesn’t always have to be malicious or nasty, sometimes it’s fascinating and intriguing. Basically, I would love to sit everyone down (not in my personal space) and hear about their life story, because the question I often ponder is the grass always greener? You never know how well people hide their heart ache, mood swings, anger, and life issues in general.

Dislike of People
Hating People

Enter into the world of dating, relationships, and marriage and you enter into a different universe, there is such a wide variety of combinations put together and almost all have some sort of bias or connotations put with them. I am a light haired, yellow eyed, extremely white lady from the heart of Whitesville in a cluster of suburbs fondly known as “the shire” where most of its residents will openly tell you people need a passport to enter into their fine suburbs. “crossing” the bridge was an adventure where a multicultural world thrived beyond the waters boarders of “the shire”. However, since dying my hair significantly darker more people comment about my nationality as not being “Australian” and guess a range of other Eastern European backgrounds. Even though I am of Dutch/English background since when did hair colour mean someone MUST be of a different race?

 

My various relationships have opened my eyes to what I was really searching for and it wasn’t until now that I have found it. I used to get so frustrated at not feeling as though I “fit in”, I kept wondering why no one ever felt right or why I would get frustrated at the situation I was in. it was until I met this person and his family that I felt I had finally met a match to my own family. I was searching for someone who was like my family who valued family time and the importance of family as much as I do. I have always explained my family as a “wog style” family basically a family that above all is family who eats together, who is close, who puts family first and holds all the values of a strong unit and team. Which is why to me family opinions of my partner or future partner is so important, and why basically to me unless my family likes my partner its make or break of the relationship.

 

What I have noticed is some people’s reactions to those who date out of their cookie cutter mold of race. Despite the looks some couples receive dating someone of a different race is just like dating any other human being. Typical behaviors such as learning each other’s quirks, being attracted to one another, learning about their past and building a life together are some pretty normal qualities of a relationship.

 

Stereotypes are a real thing, and what some people of a certain race do that give a bad name to the rest doesn’t mean they are all the same. People are individuals it is foolish to assume everyone from that part of the world is alike and they don’t have their own struggles.

 

Love doesn’t conquer all and there are huge pressures to date within your own race, especially from some families, and it is something you can’t change. Family opinions are fairly prevalent and can be frustrating when you’re not what the parents are hoping for.

 

There is so much to learn the world is a big open place with there are so many different traditions and that is something that fascinates me. Family time, foods that are common and staples, these are huge eye openers when you are dating someone not necessarily in your own cookie cutter race. Being with someone who has a different background to you means they have a whole history that you might not know about or understand, the fun part is learning about their countries history. How often can you show someone how much you care and how much you love them by learning their language or about their countries history and making them feel important and special.

Talking It Out
Better Communication

Strong communication is so so important especially if the person you are with didn’t learn English as their first language, sometimes comments or phrases they are taught might take on a different meaning to us and you have to be aware that they aren’t being malicious or nasty it is actually just translation. “proper English” is a lot different to the “slang” that is typically used in Australia but explaining why certain words may offend you or why certain words may take on a different meaning aren’t understood unless you explain! Like any other relationship communication is key, understanding the root of the issue is key, cultural differences are a real thing, but nothing can me fixed, understood, or sorted unless we communicate them to our partner.

 

Interracial dating isn’t harder than any other relationship, however cultural differences are normally the main issues initially when starting out and does add an extra difficulty when neither person doesn’t want to budge, add on the looks you cop from outsiders or even friends and it can cause for some tense moments. All relationships need to me illuminating, full of compassion, understanding, and learning about someone else’s life and the things they love.

 

Morgan x

Although relatively young Morgan has lived a life filled with experiences that have made her grow as a person. She has completed and is a product and interior designer who is a strong believer in equality between sexes and speaks out against violence. Working in the adult industry has allowed her to grow as a person and come out of her emotional and sexual shell.

Every Body Is Beautiful: My Journey To Self-Love

This article feels quite edgy to write. I’ve toyed with it for some time but have felt fear around coming across as superficial as it’s speaking into the change in my physical appearance. I’ve avoided it for some time because if there’s one thing that triggers me it’s those before and after photos showing body transformations after committing to some “amazing diet”- as if one photo could possibly summarise the person you have become! With that in mind, I know deep inside me that I have a lot of gold to share from my experience hence why I am putting this out in the open.

My weight loss comes up in conversation from time to time, especially from people who met me when I was at my heaviest. “What did you do?” is the most common question I get asked and I think with this people expect me to rattle off a list of diets/cleanses/detoxes that led to my 15kg weight loss. Though there were numerous factors and influences that led to my weight change, my simple answer is that I just stopped caring about what the scales read and began caring about the things in life that truly mattered.

The truth is, food was never the issue. I could have committed to the best diet in the world (is there such a thing?) and I still wouldn’t have shifted the heaviness I carried on my body – believe me I tried!! That’s because weight was my protection, weight kept me safe from the world. My body highlighted my inability to feel my feelings. It was a reflection of the hatred that I showered myself with every day, the unworthiness I believed I deserved to live with.

The excess weight I held on my body was also my saviour in a way. I had hurt myself for so long in so many ways and my drastic weight gain was the final shift that got my attention to this fact. Our bodies are wise beyond measure and sure know how to get our attention to the things we’re not acknowledging. My body was speaking very loudly telling me that some big things needed to change in my life, in particular the things in my life related to my relationships, love, sexuality and spirituality. It took me some time but I eventually listened.

What happened prior to losing weight took a great deal of courage on my behalf.

  • I spent time learning about boundaries, learning how to communicate my yes and my no. For a young woman that was a passive people pleaser, the fact that I had found agency over my own body was a revelation. Having clear, healthy boundaries creates a foundation of safety and stability in your body. With this, that protective weight is no longer needed.
  • I explored the hidden and neglected areas of myself that were hiding behind my weight. My weight disguised some scary parts of myself that I didn’t want to see. Like a courageous warrior, I decided to finally face those parts of myself that I didn’t like. It was scary and painful but I am so grateful I looked.
  • I found my sexiness and my sensuality. As it turns out, they had nothing to do with how I looked and everything to do with how I felt. There is so much truth in “sexy at any size.” Sexiness is not how you look, it’s how you feel about yourself. The sexiest women I know are embodied, self-loving and incredibly sensual with no agenda to be something for anybody else. They are all of this for themselves and that exudes out of them in such a beautiful way.
  • I learnt how to be in my body, how to feel again, how to express my emotions. My weight came about from all those times I had numbed out and disassociated from my body so there was a great deal to feel. I learnt how to healthily express my feelings without needing to binge eat to avoid them.
  • I found a deep and profound love for myself that wasn’t built on conditions or a need to look a certain way. The need to love yourself is thrown around way too often but I think it’s for a very good reason. The true self-love I found for myself was appreciating every single part of who I was – the good, the bad and the ugly – because it makes me who I am and that is divine. Bursting with this love for myself, I was then finally able to let other people love me for who I was.

After this life changing inner transformation (which is constantly ongoing), the weight dropped off effortlessly in no time. No restrictions or diet, no stepping on scales and torturing myself with exercise I hated. Just a whole heap of self-love, self-respect and coming to believe my worthiness to live a beautiful, pleasurable life full of joy and connection.

I see so many people who struggle with their weight, believing it to be the one thing in their life that causes all their suffering. I wish I could wake these people up to the fact that their body is speaking to them and they need to learn its language before any shifts will occur. Sure, you can deprive and starve yourself to the point of weight loss but believe me when I say that final result is not what you’re really seeking. Having a slim body does not “fix” your life. It doesn’t help you to avoid uncomfortable feelings or pain – that shit is universal and cannot be avoided! Your weight does not determine how loveable you are or how worthy you are as a human being. There are many reasons why people lose weight like a bad break-up but keep some of the reasons that I listed above in mind next time you are planning on going on a diet for weight-loss.

Quote on body size acceptance
Image: Body size acceptance

Author: Stephanie Curtis, Sexologist

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Sex After Pregnancy!

Post Pregnant Sex
Well, I have recently returned to work after giving birth to my third baby, I wrote an article about sex and pregnancy on this site a while back, before I gave birth about having sex during pregnancy,  so. I thought I would do a follow up on sex ‘ after’ having a baby. Now I know some of you boys out there might want to switch off, put your fingers in your ears and sing “la la la” really loudly!  Some of you girls may even want to switch off now! It isn’t something that gets talked about often. I can honestly say in all the baby groups and library sing-song  sessions I attended over the last 10 months, not one lady has come up to me and said

” hey how”s ya vagina?”

So sit back, get comfortable, and get the popcorn out!….
The truth is after expelling the equivalent of a watermelon out of my privates…Even I couldn’t bring myself to touch or look at my vagina, let alone let anyone else near it! It felt like a god damn crime scene!  Joking aside though, Most nurses advise at least 4 – 6 weeks before you have any kind of sex, it actually isn’t safe, so I think the thoughts and feelings I had was just my body telling me to hold off….and maybe spend a bit of time bonding with baby, which obviously is amazing.
Then the next set of untalked about thoughts and feelings kicks in. What if I don’t ever ever feel like sex again? Well, that is a normal and natural thought too. Libido is scientifically lowered and as well as being completely emotionally overwhelmed, you are really bloody exhausted! The lower levels of estrogen you now have cause vaginal dryness, on top of that, breastfeeding can cause dryness as well.
Boy oh boy, that was depressing! The good news is that we are made to make babies! it is what sex is for. Thankfully there is now contraception to make sure the whole baby thing only happens when you are ready for it, and we can have recreational fun! I can tell you though, I had anxious feelings about my sex life post-pregnancy all 3 times and every time I have been amazed by how the body and mind heal. I would like to be able to say I still have the vagina of a 16-year-old…I maybe should have asked the doctor to pop a cheeky couple of extra stitches in for hubby! For me, thankfully it is all well that ends well.
It can be emotionally and physically  consuming and may require some proactive measures, Go down to your local Ohzone store for some decent Lube, Superslyde is great and maybe for Mum, a new toy to play with, just to get yourselves back into the mood without having pressure from each other… and  most importantly  some Kegels to strengthen the muscles down there! There are plenty of articles on Kegels and the benefits of using them on the Adultsmart Blog. I can’t stress the importance of these, especially as you have more pregnancies and get older. When you piss every time you sneeze, it t sure isn’t sexy!  Kegels should be mandatorily prescribed pre and post pregnancy.
Sex After Birth
Baby Jealousy
The other thing that can be challenging, is your partner’s jealousy over the bond you have with the new baby. Try to find time for each other, even if it is just a kiss and a cuddle. A baby can make a couple more intimate but sometimes it does the exact opposite, so, on a daily basis both parties need to make a bit of an extra effort in thinking about each other’s feelings.
Just when you thought it was all dry vaginas and bad moods, there are the leaking breasts! Now there are a whole lot of men out there paying good money to watch lactating women. I know that for a fact, but it can be a bit strange for a couple to associate where the baby feeds from to something sexual. It becomes less of an erogenous zone for a woman, but at the same time, they can squirt if intimately touched. My advice about that one is if it isn’t your “thing”  to have a good laugh about it.
So whilst I was convinced I would never be able to have enjoyable sex again, I can vouch for the fact that it happens. Slowly but surely the mind and body work in ways that can be beyond our control, although we can certainly help the process with some decent advice and products.
About the Author: Emily is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Sex Toy Stores

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.