Edging 101: What To Do and How To Get Started

Man kissing his girlfriend

“When you are pulling against the restraints… when your back is arched and your hips are writhing… when your mouth is open in a silent scream of tortured rapture… you will know that my work has begun”. – Pleasure Torture

Edging or orgasm control can be achieved through masturbation or help from a partner. We have partnered up with Bait’D Designs BDSM, Sex, and Jewelry Blog to teach you how to get started edging for your first time.

What is Edging?

During sex, BDSM, and kinks, achieving orgasms is not the only thing that can bring you or your partner pleasure. Edging is a popular method that involves controlling orgasms by bringing you or your partner to the brink of orgasm, and then right before it happens, you back away. Then you repeat this process over and over again, building up your sexual energy until you or your partner finally allow you to achieve an orgasm. The sexual energy building up to an orgasm can be similar to the sexual energy you build from celibacy. You can repeat the edging process multiple times to intensify you or your partner’s orgasm. For men, this exercise can increase the volume of ejaculation and force of ejaculation. This can be effective especially for men who suffer from premature ejaculation. Other popular terms that can describe the act of edging are peaking, surfing, or riding the edge.

Edging For Women

Edging for women is a difficult process to master. You want to focus on getting her to approach an orgasm, but don’t let it actually happen. Some people find it beneficial for the women to alert their partner when they are getting close to an orgasm so that their partner knows when to back off. When men typically hear that their women is about to ‘cum’, their usual instinct is to go harder, but in the case of edging, this requires some discipline from both participants. It is important to remember that as you are edging a woman, the smallest change can make a huge impact. Sometimes change will make a women lose the build up to an orgasm, or it may bring her over the edge. Losing an orgasm will send her into the refractory period, and then you will have to start over to build up that orgasm again. Staying consistent is key and the lighter touch, the better. In fact, 70% of women who like edging say lighter touches help to reduce the pressure when climax is near. Everyone is different so what works for one women may not work for another.

If you are going in solo you will also need to have some discipline as well. Our natural instinct is to keep going when something feels good, so you will need to be able to slow down and prevent yourself from orgasm, especially since you know your body best.

There are a variety of methods you can use to perform edging on a woman, but the easiest would be with the external clit (or clitoris). You can perform edging on your lady partner by rubbing, licking, and other movements. For a more advanced way to edge a women, you can try G-spot stimulation. The G-spot orgasm is harder to control because you are dealing with the sensitivity of the vagina walls, as well as vulva stimulation. It is recommended that you start out with a vibrator or dildo instead to stay more consistent in this area if you are just starting to learn how to edge.

Dom overpowering woman
Image: Dom

Edging For Men

Benefits for edging men include increased testosterone levels, lasting longer during sex, and self-discipline. Edging for men also helps to minimize or overcome premature ejaculation when done properly and consistently. During the edging process you are training the brain to be comfortable achieving a high level of sexual pleasure without ejaculating. Much like edging for a women, edging a man also follows the same principles. The giver and receiver must be disciplined and not get over excited during this process.

Edging for a man can occur with a hand job, blow job, vibrating cock ring, or whatever tickles your fancy. Let your imagination explore the possibilities. It is recommended that edging is done without the use of porn for a more controlled environment.

For men, there is also a popular ballooning technique that is similar to the edging, but a lot of men who have done it feel it is better than edging. Ballooning begins by masturbating and gently rubbing the sensitive part of the penis until full erection is achieved. Continue to stimulate and then just before ejaculation, you slow down the stimulation. At this time, you should incorporate medium Kegels exercises as you inhale, and then release the Kegels as you exhale. You should increase the intensity of the Kegels upon every inhale, and repeat this process just like you are doing reps in the gym. During intercourse, this technique can also provide a stimulating effect for the women.

Edging As A Dominant

Edging is often used as a way for a dominant to take control of their submissive by using erotic denial as control. Some masters allow their slave to masturbate without orgasm. Masters will usually give their slaves tasks and will tell a slave how many times during the day they should take themselves to the edge of orgasm and stop. The slave learns that their orgasms are owned by their master and practices control and discipline. The master can also incorporate punishments when they orgasm. Beyond edging, orgasm control for a dominant or master can also mean not allowing your slave/submissive to stop cumming until they beg you to stop.

It’s always beneficial to spice up your sexual routine. Now you know the basics, so get out there and experience edging for yourself! Whether you are going in solo, edging your partner, or receiving, the benefits from edging will help enhance you and your partner’s sex life for the better.

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

6 Tricks For When Your Man Cannot Get Hard

Erectile dysfunction

As a sexologist, I get an in-depth insight into one of the most intimate areas of people’s lives. It really is an honour to have people open up to me about their sexuality, this being something I do not take lightly. I understand sex to still be such a taboo in many people’s lives hence understand how vulnerable it can be to share one’s experiences.

Recently, I had a conversation with a man who had entered a new relationship and was unable to “get it up.” Seeing this person so filled with stress and anxiety about his perceived inability to perform got me thinking about the role us women play when the men in our lives are overcome with anxiety and pressure to perform.

Much of the stress and anxiety that men feel when they cannot get an erection comes from outdated beliefs that to be a man means to do everything he can to please and pleasure a woman with an erect penis. It saddens me knowing that so many men do not come to understand this as a false belief which does more harm than good. Women play such an important part in this process for men with the following some of the tools and approaches I recommend to support men through what can be a challenging time in their lives:

Allow him to express his emotions

When a man places an expectation on himself to get an erection and doesn’t, he can often be overwhelmed with a great deal of shame, frustration, anger and embarrassment. Allow him the space to express his emotions in a safe container so that rather than stewing in these toxic feelings he is given an outlet to get them out of his system. This could mean bashing a pillow, shaking, yelling (though not at you) or whatever else he does when he is feeling emotionally overwhelmed (e.g. going for a run or swim). Emotions can cause a host of problems if left unexpressed so encouraging him to express can mean the difference between staying stagnant and moving forward.

Man unhappy about erectile dysfunction
Image: Man expressing emotions

Encourage him to communicate

Men are rarely encouraged to speak about their feelings and the things that are troubling them. Let your man know that it is safe to talk about what is going on for him. Be present with him when he shares with you his thoughts and feelings on what is going on for him. It is crucial he knows that he can trust you with something so vulnerable for him.

Offer him a space to receive without any expectations of what is to happen

Offering your man a chance to receive can be a really beautiful way of him experiencing pleasure that isn’t dependant on him having an erection. A penis massage or oral sex can feel exquisite even with a non-erect penis and can be a chance for him to really drop into his body, away from his mind that is incessantly pressuring him to perform. Let him know before that an erection or orgasm is not the key of the experience and that you simply want him to receive with nowhere to get to and nothing to do but enjoy the experience.

Connect with him in an intimate way

Taking time to be intimate and sensual with your man is still really important regardless of whether he has an erection. This could mean giving and receiving a massage, cuddling, kissing or engaging in oral sex. Just because a man doesn’t have an erection, doesn’t mean he still doesn’t find you attractive or want to be sexual with you. This brings me to my next point…

Refrain from personalising the “problem”

Asking “Don’t you find me attractive anymore?” is valid however it can place enormous pressure on your man to console you when he is already in a vulnerable position. Some women can get quite upset when their man does not get an erection when engaging intimately with them and its perfectly fine to feel this way but just remember that how sexy, attractive or desirable you are should never be dependent on another person. Take care of yourself and when you feel like you are not asking from a triggered place, it can be great to ask if there is anything you can do for your man. Just ensure that if you do, do so from a place of genuine care and not for validation of your worth.

Invest in your own pleasure

As great as sex with your man can be, if he has difficulties getting an erection it can be a great opportunity to really dive into your own pleasure solo. Here are some ways to invest in your own pleasure:

These are the little things that can make all the difference between feeling victimised by your partner’s inability to get an erection and being empowered by taking your pleasure into your own hands.

Being supportive, loving and compassionate with your man if and when he faces challenges with getting an erection is such a beautiful way to approach what can be an incredibly challenging time for him.

Author: Stephanie Curtis, Sexologist

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Women Are The Epitome Of Love!

Woman with baby

Recently, I went to an exhibition where I saw a painting showing four women, captioned “Four Generations” and the floodgates of thoughts opened in my mind about what the world of women is made of. This painting had a pretty woman in her twenties, a prettier girl of about five to six years and two of the prettiest old women in their early sixties. What attracted me the most was these sexagenarians who had an aura about them and were depicting something like been there and done that. Thanks to them they reminded me of my mother, sister, aunts and a whole lot of females who keep alive and continue the chain of the human species.

Woman at different ages
Image: Generational women

My dad’s job was just to put an X or Y chromosome in the womb of my mother and then vanish from the scene. She had to nurture that seed there, take care, no bending, no running, no dancing, no twisting, no turning and no foolhardy business lest she could abort me. Eat proteins and healthy food not because she liked it but for me to be born healthy and with all the limbs and organs intact and working. She was past prime of her youth when she conceived me and had a risk of an unhealthy fetus.

I was sucking her bloodstream for all the food, oxygen and water, and in return I was giving her all the waste back. I was growing like a monster day by day by being gluttonous like a maggot and was kicking her and punching her from inside, at my will, and making her puke, cramp, nauseate, but still she was an epitome of love. When I felt enough of that dark room and wanted to come out I literally tore her apart putting her in excruciating pain, torment and agony of the labor. Crushing her stomach, giving her back pain and knocking the wind out of her. She was bent upon birthing me naturally and did not want to cut herself open to ease the pain. With no painkillers at her disposal she showed me the light of the day, and I? Stupid as I was, I sucked at her breasts like I never had food in my short span of nine months.

In spite of my ingratitude, she hugged me, smothered me with kisses as though I was her prized possession. And she took care of me from all the angles till I was old enough to clean my own bum.  She used to call me “mera pyara beta” (my sweet child). Did I deserve it? When later in life I realized what women went through, I started calling her “ your majesty “ a maxim I use for respect and love for women. She was majestic.

I don’t know who said “Frailty, thy name is woman” but I sure know he did not know how challenging it is to be a woman.  Have you ever heard of something called Mother Nature? Oh yeah, she blesses a woman with the arrival, every month. This friend of her hits her and she yells. If you see her sleeping, crying, consuming sweet balls, you should know, it’s her arrival. She is suffering from mood swings. One moment, she wants to laugh but the very next moment, she wants to curl up into a ball and weep. She is an unwanted guest. She also appears at the most unexpected times like an exam, trip, airport, station, office and practically anywhere.

And you know what? It was a taboo to discuss them in a puritanical society of which my mother belonged. It was just not permitted by the society to acknowledge its existence. She was considered impure, possessed, polluted and filthy and was outcast for four-five days. If she wanted me at her side, I had to do full monty and only then I could touch her.

From about the age of ten or eleven, when menstruation starts, a girl’s life is profoundly affected by the activities of the ovaries. Menstrual cramps, breast tenderness, irritability, migraines and the worst thing of all… bleeding, that lasts 5 to 6 days out of 30 days. But wait, there’s more…. Let’s add in PMS that starts a week before and the postmenstrual fatigue that comes after and see how many days of the month a girl feels “good”. And the worries the mother will go through of this tender girl… God bless her.

Add ovulation to the fray… shooting pain for 1-3 days when the ovulation actually occurs as well as the message to the vaginal mucosa to make a lot of sticky and gooey mucus. And add the worries about pregnancy to her stress level. Oh and those pesky ovarian cysts randomly causing stabbing pain that comes and goes without any warning and sometimes making her have a surgery to get relief.

Do you think it has an end? Oh yes. It has. Blissfully it will pause, calling itself menopause. Almost done with the horrors of menstruation, welcome menopause.  Welcome, signs?  No… it comes with its own baggage. Hot flashes, night sweats, vaginal dryness and again with the irritability. Now, she gets to notice hair growing on the upper lip, where it shouldn’t. The bones are cracking from the lack of estrogen and she lives in the fear of getting osteoporosis, hip fractures and some have the horrible hunch back.

95% of men do not understand the pain a woman goes through her life. In spite of these emotional breakers, she keeps you happy, takes care of the home and makes a life of a man blissful and ecstatic. Isn’t she a fantastic gift from God to us?

Let us start respecting women for all that she is.

Adultsmart’s blog is proud to announce the newest expert Dr. Satish Bendigiri to our blogging team.

Dr. Bendigiri holds a Ph.D , MBA, M.Com, B.Com, DPM and has corporate experience relating to human resources and public relations. He was a Director at Deogiri Institute of Technology and Management Studies, Aurangabad of Maharashtra State, and was also a Professor at Bharati Vidyapeeth Deemed University, Pune. He currently works as a freelance consultant. He writes passionately about love, marriage and growing together.

Changing The Face Of Pornography

Woman in porn

I want to change the definition of porn and here is why;

I have recently watched the Netflix show Big Mouth (I definitely recommend it) and in one of the episodes a steamy book is circulated around the characters and one of them, Jay is very confused by this “wait a minute, you’re telling me all these girls are walking around reading porn!” And this, along with the recent Fifty Shades release, a few recent documentaries had me thinking, what do we as a society really classify as porn and is it changing?

What Is Porn And How Is It Changing?

Most people know the old adage when it comes to the porn vs art debate of “knowing porn when I see it” but with a society that is increasingly permeated by hypersexualised imagery, easily accessible sex videos etc is that something we can really say anymore?  We adults may “know porn when we see it” but do the kids?  They unlike us have grown up constantly able to easily access this content and are somewhat desensitised to it, so when they are grown ups will they know porn when they see it?

The point I am getting to is that maybe we need to start, as a society, begin to have a conversation around porn, its place and definition. Not to limit or sensor but to tackle the issues that are arising out of porn’s increased sales, accessibility, use and participation.

Talking to my little brother who is now 15 it becomes very clear that this conversation is far overdue. Last time I was home I made him sit down with me and have a talk. He knows what I do for work and because of that he feels that I am the best person to talk to (I’m not sure about best but if he is talking I’m happy) and what started out with questions and clarifying terms has begun to evolve into a discussion around porn and how it should be viewed.

Porn And How It Is Viewed

Many kids first contact with porn is way before their parents believe it is (kids as young as 7 or 8 have reported regularly accessing pornography via the internet) and because these young minds are entering this very confronting world with little to no guidance they begin to form their opinions on sex based on what they see on the screen. My little brother did.  He believed that if the size of his penis wasn’t close to that of the guys on the screen, girls wouldn’t like him. And the penis size question was just the start.

We then began talk about how the act of sex is nothing like it is depicted on the screen. I came to him with his analogy, porn is like an action movie. In real life most days you will walk down the street with little to no car chases, explosions etc it’s the same with porn. When you have sex it will be much less over the top and more real. This seemed to help something click with how he viewed porn and I hope this has moved him to a place where he can enjoy porn but see it for what it really is, a fantasy.

The problem is not every family has a loud mouth older sister who works in a sex shop and is constantly thinking about these issues and that can make it harder. Couple this with the fact that porn seems to becoming part of the societal norm and we have the makings for a perfect storm of confused horned up kids that need guidance.

The First Step Is To Define What Porn Is

For me the first step is about defining what porn is and I think for so many people my definition will make them uncomfortable. I think we should define porn as any content (image, book, video and advertisement) that aims to arouse. Now, before we continue I know this will include images and content that is currently not considered porn and I want that. But do not misunderstand me I’m not asking for these things to be gotten rid of or kept for adult eyes only rather I would like people to engage in a conversation with their children around the meaning of these images, their repercussions and effects so when they do come to sex videos and imagery (what is considered porn now) that will have some context into how they can approach this content. I want to remove the stigma and whispers from the word “porn” and use it as a correct term for sexualised images.

Sexy woman in lingerie
Image: Sexualised Imagery

I also believe that this re-definition of porn would force a lot of people to reconsider the images and content they engage with and hopefully bring a level of awareness to sex’s real presence in our daily lives. This increased discussion could mean that the types of conversations I have with my brother can be a regular occurrence in houses with teenagers, it could mean that people who have worked in porn experience less stigma later in life, we as a society could see a change of our attitudes towards sex that have us being more open and more honest.

The reality is my wanting to change the definition of porn and consider more things under this term doesn’t change a thing, sex and porn will still be there, so will advertising using sex to sell but at least if we give it a name hopefully channels of discussion will open up and our young people won’t feel lost by the often confusing and unspoken rules we are all meant to learn but no one is teaching.

Author: Jamie is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centre

Jennifer works marketing at Adultsmart an online sex toy shop. She has a non-judgemental approach to sex, sex toys and sexuality. Her favorite saying is if it feels good and right and is not illegal then why not!

RISE Above And Rescue Sex Ed

Sexual health education

Today I am going to discuss something I feel incredibly passionate about, something that I feel is important for all people to have awareness around and that is sexuality and relationship education for young people. It is no secret that there exists a huge lack in the sex and relationship education that is provided to children and teenagers today, with the school system offering the bare minimum of a sex education program for what should be a priority.

How Big Is The Sexual Health Education Problem?

The fact that rates of several sexually transmitted infections have markedly increased over time, as well as the unacceptable rates of sexual violence and assault happening all over the world should be enough to draw attention to the fact that the education that young people are currently receiving is not good enough. These are some of the negative repercussions of a lack of positive sex and relationship education and the extent runs so much deeper than rates and statistics of STI’s and sexual assault. Relationships play such an important role in our overall health and happiness in our lives so knowing how to do them well can mean all the difference between a good and great life.

Most children and teenagers receive education related to sexuality and relationships from parents and school teachers, with the information they gain from this dependant on where they go to school and what their parent’s attitude towards sex is. Now, it is all well and good to leave this education in the hands of parents and school teachers to deliver however when they are not equipped to do so, the consequences of poor sex education can be troublesome.

Talking to parents can be a great way to learn about sex for children and teenagers if their parents have positive views of sex, which unfortunately is not always the case. If parents have negative views and attitudes towards sexuality attached to a history of negative unresolved experiences with sex and relationships, then they are not in the greatest position to impact their children in a positive way. I am not yet a parent but one thing I have come to notice is that the children who grow up with positive views of sex and sexuality have been exposed to parents who are confident and empowered in their own sexuality.

A study completed in 2010 by the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society showed that many school teachers offering sex education in their classes (usually PD/H/PE teachers) felt ill equipped to offer such information to their students, with the majority having no or minimal training in sex education. So despite their best intentions, school teachers can often lack the necessary skills to educate young people on sex and relationships.

Many young people growing up today are exposed to pornography early on in their sexual development (sadly before sexual development for some) and this can have some negative repercussions to what they come to believe about sex throughout their lives.

Pornography displays an unrealistic portrayal of sex, with the clips easily accessible on the internet intended to entertain rather than educate. When young people are exposed to pornography without the awareness of its true intent (i.e. entertainment) they come to believe that the way that sex occurs in porn is the only way. Considering that a large proportion of pornography depicts violence against women, this spells disaster. The actors in porn are having sex in a way that excites the viewer and not in a way that is necessarily pleasurable for them. Pornography does not make for appropriate sex education. Teachers and parents often lack the skills and qualities to teach it effectively so what needs to be done?

Relationship, Intimacy And Sexuality Education Program

A greater emphasis on young people learning about relationships and sex is necessary if we are to see better outcomes for young people. For this reason, I, along with my partner Nic Tovey, have decided to create an educational program specifically for young people to learn skills that will equip them with the confidence to navigate the world of relationships, intimacy and sexuality in a healthy and empowered way. Focusing on and then expanding on the relationship with oneself, this program will teach young people embodied tools and skills that will empower them to make healthy decisions when it comes to sex and relationships.

Relationship, Intimacy and Sexuality Education program
Image: Rise Program

We are running a forum in Sydney, Australia on March 15th to ascertain the desires and feelings of parents and their teenage children when it comes to sexuality and relationship education. We want our Relationship, Intimacy and Sexuality Education (RISE) program to be informed by the very young people we will be teaching and this opportunity gives parents a say on what they feel is important for their children to learn. The event is open to parents of teenagers and teenagers 12-16 years of age. Event details can be found on Facebook’s RISE forum event page and on Adultsmart’s RISE forum event page. I look forward to seeing as many of you there as possible.

It’s all well and good to notice that changes in sex and relationship education is necessary but if we do not take action, we will see no progression in the way that young people are learning about relationships and sex. There is no better time for change then right now!!

Author: Stephanie Curtis – Sexologist, BA Nursing

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.