Dr. Stacy, Help Me! I’m A Sexless Cuckold Wanting Sex

Man in a chastity device

This month Adultsmart’s clinical sexologist and certified sex coach Dr. Stacy Friedman has answered three questions which were anonymously sent in to askasexologist@gmail.com. Be sure to read them, who knows she may have answered on of yours!

Question

So for the last few years, my wife and I have been in a cuckold relationship that started with my chastity fetish and she escalated it.  A year and a half ago, she decided that I would be sex free besides using my tongue.  I was upset at first but she convinced me it was for the best.  My problem now is that I don’t think I can handle never having sex with her again as I ache for it constantly.  My question is after all this time of being pussy free and her fucking whoever she wants, how can I talk her into letting me have sex again?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

For those not aware, a cuckold relationship is one where a man encourages his wife to have sex with other men because it brings him pleasure. The husband’s “victim” role is definitely a major element of the kink. Communication is very important in any relationship, so if something bothers you about your sexual practice it would benefit you to bring it up in a conversation about your needs with your partner.  If she isn’t willing to listen or respect your concerns then you aren’t in a balanced relationship and someone will be settling or continue to feel unsatisfied. When in a cuckold relationship, the person who is the cuckold (meaning you) can feel pleasure by being humiliated and submissive but only if both parties consent to this agreement.  This fetish fantasy doesn’t work when the cuckold is being humiliated against their will and their own needs are not being met.  If your marriage will continue to work without resentment or frustration, your concerns need to be discussed and a compromise found.  If you still want to be in a cuckold relationship then discussing some changes that can help both of you be satisfied can be imperative or unfortunately your marriage may not end well.

Question

I cannot satisfy my wife, as my penis is too small.  I have tried penis pumps but the result did not last.  I tried stretcher too but it was painful and nothing was different after a month.  Is there a way to get a bigger penis?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

Unfortunately, you have the size that you were born with unless you try a few things such as what you have mentioned.  The penis pump is not meant to have a lasting effect, it just offers enough help for the time you are being intimate.  If the stretcher is painful then obviously you shouldn’t continue to use it but even if you do use it, you probably won’t get much larger than another inch or so.  Most women appreciate the girth more than the length so it is more filling in their vaginal canal.  You can use a cock ring on your penis which can help keep the blood blow in which can help with some thickness.  Make sure to use lube prior to putting the ring on so you don’t pull your skin.  Also, it isn’t all about the size that makes a woman happy or pleased.  You can learn different techniques that will help increase her satisfaction such as working on oral, using your fingers more by touching in a soft and slow way.  While you are having intercourse you can also help with pleasure by using a toy to stimulate the clit at the same time so it isn’t as focused on the penis size.  There are some adult products such as penis sleeves that are made with silicone or jelly material that can increase some length or girth during intercourse so maybe try some of those.  Make sure to try and communicate with your partner as to what they like and need to feel satisfied and you may be surprised that it doesn’t have as much to do with a larger penis but the way you take your time and focus on foreplay and allowing your partner to enjoy the connection and touch between the two of you.

Cock ring with a remote control
Image: NU Sensuelle Remote Control Rechargeable Cock Ring

Question

During oral sex, can sperm be swallowed?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

Yes, it is safe to swallow sperm (also called semen). The choice to spit or swallow is a very personal one and there is nothing wrong with either answer. Before you do decide to swallow semen, you should make sure your partner is safe from any sexually transmitted infections so you aren’t taking the chance to transmit any infection to yourself. Semen is mostly water and also contains some amino acids, protein, zinc, calcium, sugars such as glucose and fructose as well as Vitamin C and a few other nutrients. The different diet that someone has will determine the taste or lack of taste that it can have.  The more fruits and vegetables you have, the better or more mild the semen will taste, such as pineapple or fruit juices. Some studies have even shown that semen, when entered through the vagina into the bloodstream is actually considered an anti-depressant so swallow away if you want to feel happier! I don’t know how true that really is but it doesn’t hurt to try.

If you would like to ask Dr. Stacy Friedman anything about sexual lifestyle, health and wellness, be sure to send in your question to askasexologist@gmail.com and she may answer one of your questions in a full length article that will be published anonymously on Adultsmart’s blog.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

1 Way To Start Sexual Healing Today

Couple dealing with sexual issues

We have physiotherapists to help us get our body back into shape after an injury. We have psychologists and counsellors to talk about any worries and concerns in our lives. We go to the doctor if something in our bodies is troubling us, with a great deal of attention placed on our physical health, mental health and well being. Our sexual health can be an area that is too often neglected, with sexual healing being a recently more open field focusing on the sexual health and well being of all individuals.

Why would someone see a sex therapist/sexual healer?

Our sexuality can be an area of our lives where much of our trauma, wounding and unhealthy patterns lurk in the shadows. These can come up in destructive ways that can but do not necessarily have to do with sex itself. We could be feeling stagnant in our creativity or suffering with body shame or we just keep on attracting “damaged” people to be in a relationship with.  A sexual healer is someone who can facilitate and support us through a process of healing our negative conditioning, sexual wounds and traumas so that we can live a more fulfilling life.

Man reigniting passion
Image: Rose

Who needs to see a sexual healer?

Just to be clear, no one NEEDS to see any kind of healer, however, if you feel like some of the worries or issues in your life relate to sex, relationships or love, you can greatly benefit from this kind of therapeutic work. People who have a history of sexual abuse or trauma commonly seek out this kind of support due to the nature of their trauma, people who are having unfulfilling, abusive or unhealthy relationships may be drawn to work through their issues with a sex therapist and people who are desiring more pleasure and satisfaction in their sex lives can also benefit greatly from this work. Those suffering from any kind of sexual dysfunction such as low libido, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, vaginismus, and dyspareunia as well as low body confidence or self-esteem can gain a great deal of assistance from a sexual healer or therapist.

What can happen in a session?

No two people are the same so no two sessions will be. Sexual healing sessions are tailor made to each individuals unique needs. They can involve counselling & therapy, working on establishing healthy boundaries & communication skills and bodywork (i.e. massage and touch). With a professional sexual healer or therapist, nothing will ever happen in a session that is not within your boundaries. I stress the importance of professional as it is vital to find someone who is competent and renowned for having integrity. This brings me to the next question…

Sexual healing massage
Image: Massage

How do I know who to go to?

Sexuality is such an intimate area of our lives, with care and attention necessary in order to find the person right for you. There are male and female therapists out there who offer some incredible services in Sydney and across Australia. Women who have sexual trauma involving men are sometimes reluctant to, yet can benefit greatly from working with a male practitioner. To have a safe representation of a man as you heal can be profoundly healing. The same applies for men who may have a traumatic history with women working with female practitioners. It may be a challenge to go into such intimate work with someone of the opposite gender yet it can be very powerful. What is important is you find someone who is trustworthy, respectful and competent. Read testimonials, do your research and ask around. This can be work that is extremely intimidating to start so be kind to yourself and understand it can take some time before you feel ready to dive in. The Sydney Tantric Massage website for those in the area is a great resource for professional practitioners, as well as the Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers Website (For Australia and worldwide practitioners). A good practitioner will answer any queries you may have prior to organizing a session – ask as many questions as you feel so that it is clear what it is that will be happening in the session.

Sexually strong woman
Image: Woman pumping her muscles

The right to healthy expression of our sexuality is our birthright as human beings, with many in the world subjected to sexual abuse, discrimination, and suppression. From my experience, diving into healing my sexual traumas and reshifting my conditioning in regards to sex has changed every area of my life. My relationships have become deeper and more fulfilling, my body confidence has skyrocketed and in general, I feel more joy & pleasure throughout my days. I wholeheartedly believe that our sexual health deserves our care and attention just like any part of ourselves.  Once we bring our sexual shadows into the light, we can show up in the world as a freer and more authentic version of ourselves.

Author: Stephanie Curtis – BA. Nursing., Grad. Dip. Sexology

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Dr. Stacy, I Have Sexual Fantasies About My Wife Cheating!

Cuckold cheating fetish

This week Dr. Stacy Friedman a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach has partnered up with Adultsmart to answer two anonymous questions which were emailed in to askasexologist@gmail.com.

Question

I’m a married man and married my first love.  We broke up 7 months ago when I went away. We have grown children now and a great life but during our time apart she was with others. I found out years ago but she won’t talk about it at all.  I’ve masturbated about it for years and went from jealousy to anger to now one of the only ways I get erect.  She doesn’t know that I feel this way but knows some and says she doesn’t remember any of the details from years ago and doesn’t trust that I won’t be mad if she says more now.  I know I was to blame for my reaction years ago but how do I get her to open up more and incorporate it into our lives now?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

It is very common for men to get turned on thinking of their wife having sex with another man.  Not all men want to explore it in real life but if it is something that turns you on, then you may want to find out why and what about that thought is hot for you. You need to ask yourself some questions such as, what about her being with others is a turn on? What do you hope to get out of incorporating it into your life? Also, how much do you want her to open up about the experience?  Do you want her to be involved with other men while you watch, while you join, or just talk dirty about it?

Maybe she doesn’t want to be with others now that your marriage is at the stage it’s at so she prefers to not discuss it. Bringing someone into the relationship, especially into a long-term marriage can be tricky.  It isn’t something to take lightly and there needs to be a lot of trust, communication and boundaries set.  You need to know that you are always taking a risk. It can be done successfully if there is open communication but the fact that she doesn’t want to discuss it now may mean that it isn’t something that she is interested in.

At the end, if she doesn’t want to incorporate more into your relationship then you need to use your own personal thoughts and keep fantasizing about it.  If you want to try and get erect in other ways, spice up your current situation by having sex in different positions, different places, roleplaying, adding toys, discussing your fantasies together or anything that brings something new to your relationship.  This will hopefully allow you to express your desires and find other ways to be stimulated and erect so it isn’t all about you fantasizing about her with other men. Good luck!

Question

My partner and I have been together for about 15 years now.  After we had hit the 10 year mark our bedroom antics started to get a little dull and I wasn’t really enjoying sex with him as much and would often not orgasm.  We started experimenting with sex toys and that livened things up however it has got to the stage that I do not orgasm having sex with him unless I use a toy to stimulate my clitoris at the same time.  He has asked me a couple of times to have straight sex without any aids but it just doesn’t do it for me and he seems to get that.  I still love him and have not entertained the thought of going elsewhere.  Is there something wrong with me? Why do I not get off on just straight sex anymore?

Womens orgasm difficulty
Image: Couple Kissing

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

First of all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!  Statistics show that at least 75% of women can NOT have an orgasm through intercourse without some form of clitoral stimulation so the fact that you are able to achieve an orgasm with toys on your clitoris is a very common way for women to enjoy.

As you get older, your body changes, desires change as does the way you feel towards your partner.  You may not get stimulated the same ways you did earlier in the relationship and you may need to try different things in order to keep your desire up.   The fact that you started experimenting when you realized things were getting dull is a testament to your ability to communicate about sex and how you are feeling with your partner so it is very important to continue to do so in order to keep things working for you and your husband.

I don’t know if you have had children over the last 5-10 years but if so, that can also change the position of your uterus and potentially the G-spot inside which can affect how you orgasm while having intercourse.  Just because someone needs extra stimulation with a toy in order to have an orgasm doesn’t mean their partner is doing something wrong, if anything, it can take the pressure off of him to not have to worry about performance and focus on the pleasure of his wife enjoying sex even if toys are involved.  As long as you are spending time having foreplay and not just going right to intercourse with your toys, your husband can still feel like he is connecting with you on an emotional and physical level to be able to enjoy each other.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.

Women’s Empowerment Versus Man-hating Feminists

Empowered woman

Unless you have been living under a rock somewhere in outer space, you will have noticed the prevalence of “female empowerment” in mainstream media. The revelations against some powerful figures in the entertainment industry followed by the #metoo campaign appeared to be the start of a dramatic shift for women in 2017, with huge stands made against sexual violence, discrimination and assault.

Sexual assaults victims of Harvey Weinstein
Image: Harvey Weinstein Sexual Assaults
#metoo sexual assault and violence awareness march
Image: #metoo Survivors March

I’ve seen many posts and articles flooding social media and news websites with comments from women reminiscent of the man-hating feminist rants from decades ago and felt great sadness that in some ways, this approach to standing up for women’s rights is still being taken.

Before you go thinking that I am anti-feminist and against the uprising of women, I want to state that this could not be further from the truth. I have spent years growing into my own power and learning ways with which I can teach women how to do the same. I am beyond thrilled to see women thrive in the world and believe we all have the right to do so. The one distinction I want to make crystal clear from some notions of feminism is that I absolutely love men just as much as women. I can believe in the absolute necessity of equal rights for all beings, I can stand for women and their right to feel safe in this world, I can fight for my grandmothers, mothers, sisters, friends and future daughters rights to live a life from a free and empowered place and at the same time I can completely and utterly love men. Believe it or not, the two are not exclusive!

Equal rights with Emma Watson
Image: Emma Watson Equality Quote

If there is one thing that really gets me fired up it’s the absolute conviction of one gender based on a minorities actions. I cringe when I see abrasive, man-hating discrimination disguised as female empowerment. I understand that sexual violence and discrimination is rampant with women across the world however I see judging and treating every man on this planet as part of the problem being similar to condemning every white person in this world as being a racist skinhead – it is nonsensical to treat every man as a deviant, predatory and manipulative creature when this behaviour is not representative of the majority.

If women continue to ostracise all men, we will find that men are going to go about life feeling as if they are walking on egg shells around us, afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. I don’t know about you but I could not think of anything worst!! I want the men in this world to feel confident, empowered and self-assured to speak their truth, just like I want the same for all women.

Stop Expecting Men To Know How To Treat You And Tell Them How

All this discussion around certain men’s behaviour validates the importance of men being shown how to treat women. I believe this needs to be done in a way that empowers them to treat women with respect, love and reverence. Fighting, yelling at and shunning all men does not work. I see that condemnation, as opposed to education, results in a continuing vicious cycle that does not make room for union between men and women.

Men desire to be loved, respected and adored, just as women desire love, adoration and respect. I believe that if women wait around for men to treat them in the way they want to be treated, they will spend their whole lives waiting. What a waste of a life when there is so much potential for beautiful relationships between men and women!

We end up placing so many expectations onto others to know how to treat us without taking the time to communicate how it is we actually want to be treated. All the men in this world are not going to one day wake up and know how it is they “should” be with women, it doesn’t happen that way. What I believe is needed is for women to show men the way. I in no way believe in allowing disrespectful treatment and see that it is vital for both women and men to have healthy boundaries and call out poor treatment if and when it occurs. What I feel is important is that we all have compassion and understanding for the unique yet universal difficulties that each gender faces in life.

Women, I encourage you to show a man how it is you need to be treated, communicate clearly and kindly what it is you desire, tell him when he is out of line and be honest with how it makes you feel. Encourage him to do the same with you. If what he has said or done results in you feeling sad, be sad!! If he said something that led to you feeling fiery rage, feel this!! Don’t conceal, don’t suppress and be honest with your emotions. But don’t outcast him from society for mistakes that he may make from an ignorant and/or conditioned place. Don’t disempower yourself by falling victim and making him the cause of all your problems.

So many times a man does something that triggers something deep within us that runs so much deeper than that single experience. We carry wounds from the past, old traumas and pains that are held in our bodies (not necessarily from this lifetime) and when we are triggered, it often doesn’t make sense why whatever they have done causes us to feel so intensely. Women, I ask that you don’t put all of this on him, he doesn’t deserve it just as you don’t deserve to carry it. Ask for space to feel and express in a healthy way and shift it out of your body.

What’s needed is the power of the feminine. The feminine is not the solution, rather it’s the feminine in a relationship and harmony with the masculine that’s the way forward, allowing both their full brilliance.

There is so much potential for potent and powerful union between men and women that awaits us all. Let’s rise above the idea that we need to blame and shame each other in order to move forward into this new way of being with each other.

*I speak from a heteronormative, gender binary perspective and understand that this may not apply to some people. My intention has not been to exclude but rather simplify and condense this post.

Author: Stephanie Curtis – BA. Nursing., Grad. Dip. Sexology

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

A Gut Wrenching Answer To “Why People Rape?”

Kingston Slut Walk

Warning: This personal story contains information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

It’s been 10 years since I was raped at the age of 15 a month shy of my 16th birthday, a lot has happened and this life event does not affect me the same way it used to. Maybe because I have grown as a person, maybe because I now understand the meaning of sex, maybe because I now enjoy sex, or maybe because so many other traumatic events have happened since that it has just become a matter of surviving instead of being the victim.

I no longer ask the questions of “why me” or “what did I do to cause it”, the question I ponder now is why do people rape, why do people sexually assault others?

What is rape/sexual assault?

Noun

1.

Unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.

2.

Statutory rape.

3.

An act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation:

The rape of the countryside.

4.

Archaic. The act of seizing and carrying off by force.

Verb (used with object), raped, raping.

5.

To commit the crime of rape on (a person).

6.

To plunder (a place); despoil:

The logging operation raped a wide tract of forest without regard for the environmental impact of their harvesting practices.

7.

To seize, take, or carry off by force.

Victim services define sexual assault as:

“Sexual assault occurs when a person is forced, coerced or tricked into sexual acts against their will or without their consent, or if a child or young person under 18 is exposed to sexual activities.”

What is non-consensual sex?

Not agreed to by one or more of the people involved: not consensual, non-consensual sex, non-consensually.

Adverb

“I pointed out that it’s always painful and infuriating when people are non-consensually manipulated into humiliating themselves to make someone else’s point” – Carol Queen

A Personal Story

Although after researching rape, sexual assault, and non-consensual sex I am still someone who does see a difference between rape and non-consensual sex, maybe because I am able to compartmentalise and separate my emotions or maybe because my own definition of rape was my experiences of my first time.

My first time was not normal as such, I have realised through my short 26 years that normal is not in my vocabulary. I walked my dog after school, at the same time I always did, the route I would always take daily. Maybe this was my first mistake, maybe I should have changed the times I went for walks or maybe I should have taken more notice of my surroundings, maybe I shouldn’t have worn short shorts, or maybe I did nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to change myself because of someone else’s actions!

Sexual assault statistics
Image: Top 3 Cited Reasons Survivors Don’t Report

Why did I think maybe I was the issue?

Maybe because society tells us we shouldn’t wear skimpy clothing because it sexually arouses men, maybe women are over-sexualised, or maybe it’s because we constantly make excuses for other people’s behaviour instead of stopping it, maybe we are the ones who make it alright.

Maybe, maybe, maybe…

For someone to approach you is scary, for someone to come at you and tell you that they have been watching you for weeks is violating, for someone to basically corner you behind a building at a soccer oval is terrifying. For someone to keep following you is beyond wrong even after you politely reject their invitation to “engage in a conversation” and keep walking. Do you walk away fast, do you run, do you hide somewhere until they leave, do you go straight home or do you do another walk of the block so they don’t find out where you live?

But for someone to then grab you while your back has been turned, for someone to push you against a wall, kick your dog and push them behind a fence so they can’t protect you and then hold you down is brutal. You have to think, did I walk into their trap, did I subconsciously feel them following me, did they wait at the clubhouse because I always stop here to give my dog water, or was it just a coincidence that they happened to be here.

You blame everything on what YOU have done, not their actions. Having your period is confronting enough, especially being a new bodily function, but then having someone pull your shorts down and tell you, you are disgusting and vile because of what they see is shattering and indescribable. For someone to try to penetrate you vaginally but stop because you’re “gross” and then penetrate you anally instead with no remorse, no hesitation and no regard that you are a living breathing person is sadistic. For someone to then keep going until they tear you and leave you motionless and numb on the cold hard concrete not understanding what had just happened and then saying that you deserved this because “they” wanted this is inhuman and callous.

Sexual violence is so common because sex and violence are closely linked to our internal makeup. Both are passionate and both are often referred to as animalistic and explosive. The sex and violence connection is not the nemesis of the over-aroused man but instead an inherited ideology that has been written in history as the male-female dynamic. The male hormone and the act of dominance are both linked to the act of violence, which is a confronting realisation. Also, the act of dominance and violence are common and often acceptable ways in which males protect their mates in the primate world and human world. Its boundaries over the course of life have been set by society for what is acceptable and what is not, but it is also a society that chooses whether to encourage certain parts and draw the line on their definitions. Society says that women are more physically vulnerable by nature, the fact that men are stronger does not mean that it is OK to use that strength to overpower and dominate without consent. To deal effectively with sexual aggression we must understand and recognise that we are the issue. We are the ones in society that define what is right especially if it goes against human evolution and we need to stop victim blaming and address the issue at its core.

#metoo

Morgan x

Support survivors of rape
Image: Sexual Assault Awareness Month Quote

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Although relatively young Morgan has lived a life filled with experiences that have made her grow as a person. She has completed and is a product and interior designer who is a strong believer in equality between sexes and speaks out against violence. Working in the adult industry has allowed her to grow as a person and come out of her emotional and sexual shell.