4 Ways To Fight Old School Sex Views

Sex and anger management

I recently came across a YouTube video of a woman discussing gender fluidity and the controversy of a subgroup of people wearing a different bracelet every day to indicate which gender they identify with that day. The intention behind wearing the bracelet was to let the people in their lives know what gender they should refer to that person and she was debating why this was a bad idea.

Now I honestly couldn’t get into the video as I was distracted by the thought that there are so many people out there quick to make comment on why someone does something they don’t agree with or why a certain way is good or bad. Our culture has become so analytical about the way others live their lives which I believe takes away from the daunting and sometimes painful task of looking at ourselves and why we harbour judgements towards others in the first place. I believe that the amount of negative energy we invest into other people-either in the form of blame, anger, shaming, being jealous of or just being cruel towards-could at times be an attempt at offloading the negativity we put onto ourselves.

Difficult sexual lifestyle discussions
Image: Confrontational discussions

I am realistic enough to know that we cannot make our judgements of others disappear. In fact, being judgmental is a trait that once served humans – It was our ability to judge a situation that kept us alive (e.g. Is that lion walking 100 metres away going to run over and kill me?!).  I do however believe if we are to become more loving and compassionate human beings, it’s important to be aware of the judgements we have in regard to how other people choose to express themselves and know how we can ourselves live in integrity without condemning others for their ways.

How to navigate difficult conversations

I completed a Sexual Attitudes Reassessment intensive week for my Sexology degree which was a process of observing and assessing the judgements, opinions and biases we hold towards ourselves and others in a sexological context. Our lecturer told me something so simple yet so profound that changed my approach to all my interactions with others, especially when discussing controversial topics that trigger emotions. He said instead of telling or lecturing, instead of trying hard to make someone see something another way, instead of condemning them for their beliefs and judgements, approach the interaction with a genuine sense of curiosity. Ask them questions about why they feel a certain way about something. Be curious about getting to know the deeper reason behind their opinions.

Sexual attitudes reassessment
Image: Angry confrontation

It seems so easy but to put this into practice takes a great deal of self-awareness and a commitment to avoid emotional reaction. It’s so easy to project your emotions onto someone when they say something that makes us angry, confused or upset because it’s often the only way we know how to behave. To step away from reacting from that place and to dig deep into where they are coming from makes way for greater connection and greater understanding of others in the world. From this place, we practice empathy and compassion for others.

I want to put this into an example so you can understand this more clearly in context. Imagine you are in a conversation with a new friend about legalising gay marriage in Australia and they say something along the lines of “I don’t think they should be allowed. I just don’t understand gays, it’s not natural.” (I have heard this).

Showing empathy and compassion
Image: Practicing empathy and compassion

Depending on your own beliefs and values, reading this alone is likely to trigger an emotional response. It is easy to get angry or upset with that person if you believe in the right to marry for all people regardless of their sexuality and that any sexual preference is acceptable. Yet how you approach this conversation can mean the difference between that person retreating further into their opinion or changing it to a more accepting and less judgmental opinion. With a sense of curiosity, it may involve asking that person why they think that homosexuality is “not natural” or what it is about homosexual people getting married that they don’t like the idea of.

Often people carry outdated ways of thinking throughout their lives from the conditioning of parents, teachers and governments without giving much thought into what is true for them. (Believe it or not, there used to be ads on television warning young people of homosexuals as they were a danger to young children). Just by asking these questions you may be a catalyst for that person expanding their awareness and changing their opinions.

Integrity and courage quote
Image: Integrity quote

There are some points I feel are important to consider when having a conversation with someone whose opinion you do not agree with:

Ask questions

Questions lead to exploration of oneself and just by asking them, you trigger a curiosity and greater self-awareness for that person

See it as an opportunity to grow not a confrontation

A conversation with someone that has a different opinion than you is a perfect chance to practice compassion, open mindedness and acceptance for others. It doesn’t need to turn into a s**tfight!

Be kind. Understand that you are in no way perfect

Uphold your boundaries and avoid conforming to their way of thinking in order to people please yet be sure to maintain an open mind.

Don’t waste energy trying to change people

People are going to live their lives exactly how they desire, all you can do is stay true to yourself and practise love and compassion for others.

Author: Stephanie Curtis, Sexologist

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

A Thank You Letter To My Ex

A relationship breakup letter

I didn’t think I’d be the first person to say thank you, I honestly thought I’d get a sorry first but here I am being thankful for your deplorable behaviour and treatment towards me during our relationship.

I stayed because I don’t give up. I guess I am stubborn when it comes to things like that, I tend to flog a dead horse until it’s completely dead. But now I know all the warning signs and I know all the red flags, now I know certain looks to watch out for and certain words. I now know how I should be treated and what I deserve.

I deserve someone who will listen to me and respect me. I deserve someone who doesn’t pick at all my flaws just for his amusement. I deserve someone who will be there for me, I deserve someone who will kiss my tears away- not make me cry. I deserve someone who will put me first and who makes me their priority, someone who will be proud to call me theirs.

Thank you for cheating on me, the multiple times you did, the texts and the attention given elsewhere. Not being enough for you was never my fault, and I know that now.

The thing I am most thankful for is for leaving me for one of them, whoever the lucky one was, it saved my life. Cheating on me saved my life.

Thank you for not loving me, even though you said you did, because what you did to me wasn’t love and I now know that. I have had time to learn to love myself and truly know what love is. I now love my voice, I love my laugh, I love my body and I love my scars, I hate how I felt in the moment those scars were created but seeing them now I know I am a warrior and I am a better person. Everything you put me through has made me into a better stronger more loving version of myself.

I felt torn every day, torn between loving you and trusting you, torn between hating you and wanting to leave. I wanted that happy ending I wanted that happily ever after and I was torn between believing in happy endings and my reality with you. I was so naïve, and I ended up myself being torn into pieces.

I will never stop believing in happy endings, you will just no longer be a part of them.

Thank you for not being there for me when I thought I needed you the most, in those moments I thought I wouldn’t be able to get through it without you. Truth is I could, and I did. I realise what hurt more was trying to understand why you weren’t there for me. It taught me how to take care of myself, it taught me how to be strong for myself and how to handle myself. Thank you for teaching me what a toxic relationship looks like. Thank you for showing me how an abusive relationship affects me, thank you for shattering me into a million pieces and leaving me within an inch of death constantly. Thank you for telling me to kill myself.

I picked up every single broken part of me and I am the one who put me back together.

After a breakup
Image: Empowered woman

I never understood why you were always there for others when they needed someone, but you were never there for me. When I needed you, you were no-where to be seen, but when you needed me, I had to give you 100% of my attention. I drowned in your sadness, negativity and failures for so long until I learned how to swim again. Now I am a creature from the ocean you should fear, and I am thankful for that. I thought I needed you to comfort me, but I learnt that the only reason why I needed comfort was because of the hurt you were putting me through. The tears that rolled down my face were all because of you, my heart being shattered was because of you, the bruises on my body were because of you, and the doubts in my mind were because of you.

For so long I was ashamed about everything that happened to me and everything you did to me, I would hide from my family and friends and I would just go through the motions of life trying to stay under the radar. I am only ashamed about how long it took me to understand why I stayed so long, I am not ashamed for staying and I am not ashamed for loving you with all my heart.

Thank you for breaking me, because I would not be here if it wasn’t for you.

I believe everything happens for a reason, and I wouldn’t be the person I am right in this moment if it wasn’t for all the events that led up to this. I am a hopeless romantic and I’d probably be still stuck waiting for you to choose me, I’d still be believing every word you were saying, I’d be waiting for your approval on everything I did, and most of all I would be waiting for the day you showed me comfort love and support.

But I’m not anymore, and that is a blessing in itself.

Being pushed to my limits was the best thing that could happen to me, not really loving me was the best thing I could experience, being beaten, bruised and damaged was the best gift you could have given me. Because you doubted me I stepped up my game, and I thank you for that, just look at me now!

I thought I needed you to love me, I now understand that love isn’t about needing someone, love is about wanting to be there for someone. I now have my own strength and support and I can say without a doubt that I am stronger then I have ever been before, and I am able to love and support myself on a level I never thought was possible.

You took away everything that made me, me. My smile was gone, the light in my eyes was gone, my passion for life for love and for future was gone. I was nothing but an empty shell that you filled with all your controlling bullshit, and it took me months to fill myself back up. Now I am bursting at the seams with love, passion and support, I now have so much strength and resilience that it will take more than an atomic bomb to crush me again, my badass level is off the scales.

I will never ever be afraid of life, and living it to the fullest, I am no longer afraid of love or someone loving me, I have learnt to let down my walls to those who deserve it and not to just let anyone in. now because of you I know better, and because of you I am no longer afraid, and thank you the most because now I love myself. It is time for me to find crazy mad love after pain.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Although relatively young Morgan has lived a life filled with experiences that have made her grow as a person. She has completed and is a product and interior designer who is a strong believer in equality between sexes and speaks out against violence. Working in the adult industry has allowed her to grow as a person and come out of her emotional and sexual shell.

I Escaped My Relationship From Hell

Breaking up with a man

Why going through relationships from hell have been the best thing to ever happen to me.

Believe it or not, being in a relationship that took me to the depths of hell has actually benefited me in more ways than one. You might be thinking to yourself “this girl has lost her mind” but honestly, I never knew my self-worth and how much I deserved until now. How many people can tell you exactly what they want in a relationship? I’m not talking about dates and materialistic items, I’m talking about deal breakers and personality traits that are a big no.

When I look at myself in the mirror I now see my worth, I am a diamond, a warrior, and a queen. Believe it or not I was a victim, and that’s exactly what I saw myself as, someone who was labelled as a victim and my self-worth was affected by that. For a long time, I let the man in my life dictate how I was allowed to feel and when I was allowed to feel it, for a long time I was only with men who were capable of loving themselves.

It took me a long time to realise that they never cared. They never asked me how my day was, they never asked about the way I felt, and they never even asked if I was happy with them. They only cared about themselves. It was always about how they felt, what they wanted to do, their agony, their suffering, and their problems, and what I was going through was never on their mind.

They put me through hell, from doubting myself and always feeling like I wasn’t good enough from the physical to the emotional they tore me down. Sometimes I can’t work out if it was the physical pain or the emotional pain that hurt more and affected me more. I guess at the time physically hurting me was worse, but it’s not until days, weeks and years later the emotional damage becomes worse, every little thing I would doubt myself on, crying myself to sleep, crying while driving, crying in the shower, every moment hoping that you would see the pain in my eyes and ask me if I was ok. Every moment I would wonder when you would realise everything I did was for you and when you would start to appreciate me even if it was just for a little.

My thoughts would eat away at me, I felt like I was always alone with them, I felt I had to go through all of this alone because I knew they would never be there for me. Maybe that’s why I harmed myself, maybe that’s why I felt so numb all the time and would question myself whether I was over reacting because who else did I have to talk to? Every time I tried to talk to them about it, or even tried to talk about myself they would ignore me, tell me to stop over reacting, change the subject, tell me to shut up and stop whinging.

It was all those nights I slept alone that I realised I didn’t need them, all those nights they were off with other people, friends, or excuses, parties and business. I only needed myself, I was the only one who had my back, just me. I learnt that I was worthy from being so alone. To be with them but feel more alone than ever worked opposite then what it should. I learnt to be independent, I learnt to take care of myself and I learnt to look after my own feelings. The moment that you feel strong enough to take on the world by yourself is a very powerful and uplifting moment. I learnt that after all the pain and suffering they put me through, I was powerful. I had survived their waves of abuse physically and emotionally, their judgement and their savage remarks, I realised exactly the way I should be treated and this wasn’t it. I realised that they weren’t able to love me the way I deserved.

Well-being and self-worth quote
Image: Well-being quote

Hell became the best thing that happened to me, because of hell I realised my own worth. I realised how worthy of love and affection I was, even all those times they told me I wasn’t special enough or didn’t deserve it, or someone else deserved it. Even though at the time I believed all those horrible reason I am glad they told me them, I am glad they didn’t think I was worth it. I am so glad they told me I didn’t deserved kindness and generosity or to be spoilt, because it made me realise even more of how worthy I really am. They helped me to become the strongest version of me there possibly could be, how to break free from their grasp, and into a new life of love and worthiness.

I am so much worthier than what they were capable of giving me. Love, affection, appreciation, surprise dates, walks along the water, forehead kisses, respect, trust and honesty, these are all the things I am truly worthy of, these are all the things I am able to appreciate more now than I thought could be possible.

I never thought I would say these words, but I thank them for what they put me through. My body and heart cringes when those words come out of my mouth but deep down I am thankful, because if it wasn’t for them and the hell they put me through I would have never been able to truly deserve someone giving me their whole heart and to appreciate it fully.

Because of them I will never ever settle for anything less than I deserve, for the very first time I am able to put myself first.

The moment you realise your worth isn’t defined by how much I do for others or how much crap I am able to take. The moment when I realise that my worth is defined by myself and the sky is the limit with what I deserve. I deserve self-care, self-love and self-respect. I have become my number one believer in myself.

No one, not just women, should know that no person has the right to be able to put them down, or make them feel worthless and that they don’t deserve love.

We are worth being fought for, we are worth to be chased, we are worth to be spoilt, we are worth love and we are worthy of commitment, and if someone tells us otherwise they are not worthy of our presence.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Although relatively young Morgan has lived a life filled with experiences that have made her grow as a person. She has completed and is a product and interior designer who is a strong believer in equality between sexes and speaks out against violence. Working in the adult industry has allowed her to grow as a person and come out of her emotional and sexual shell.

5 Effortless Secrets To Reignite Sexual Chemistry

Sexual attraction

No matter what people may say, being sexually attracted to your partner is equally as important as being in love and having those kinds of emotions for him. Sexual chemistry really matters a lot in a loving relationship, but if you aren’t really sure how to create it, just stay with us and keep on reading. Here are five useful tips on how to get it done, so check them out and enjoy!

Imagine that he’s really hard to get

The first and one of the best ways to create sexual chemistry with your partner is imagining that he’s hard to get, as the power of a perceived obstacle can be stronger than you think. If you’re wondering why that is, you should check out a formula designed by Jack Morin, a famous sex therapist, which goes like this: A + PO = E. A stands for attraction, PO for perceived obstacle, and E for excitement, so if you really like that guy and he’s just too nice, you should imagine something standing between the two of you. You can always find out when he’s taking a business trip or hanging out with his buddies, so that you know that you can’t be with him then. Everyone knows that people always want exactly what they can’t have, which will undoubtedly spice up your sex life and lead to mind-blowing sex later on.

Remove any obstacles when it comes to sex

In case you weren’t aware, nothing can decrease your sexual desire more than dealing with an unresolved sexual block that’s highly likely to bog you down. This often happens when people have some kind of traumatic sexual experience, heightened performance anxiety, or when they grow up in a family or community where sex is considered dirty and sinful. Of course, you can’t have a high libido with unresolved sexual blocks, which is why you should do your best to deal with anything that bothers you. Working with a sex therapist or a specialized coach is a good first step, and even your partner can help you out if you trust him enough to share your fears with him.

Make fantasies work in your favour

A lot of ladies these days are dating good guys, but are actually turned on by bad ones, which is definitely one of the most common sexual fantasies among women from all across the globe. Needless to say, mental attraction is what sometimes matters much more than physical attraction, but your fantasies are just your thing, so try your best to make them work in your favour. Depending on how open you are with your partner, you could share your sexual fantasies and let him share his, too. You never know what’s in his head until you hear him uttering it, and you know what? Even the nicest guys can have the dirtiest fantasies, so be sure to know what he’s into and you might end up surprised!

Sexual chemistry
Image: Sexual attraction

Add some aroma to spice things up

Even though finding that crazy sexual formula may not be the easiest task to accomplish, the fact is that you can do it with the help of your sense of smell. As simple as that! So, if you want to create chemistry that will last for a long time, you definitely have to find out what your (and his) favourite aromas are. You can always set the scene with your favourite perfume or flowers, so that you get seduced more easily and create mind-blowing sexual chemistry with your partner. The same goes for fragrances and even foods he likes, so find out what those are and you’ll see instant improvement. Besides that, you can also opt for different sex pheromone products which will surely help you achieve what you want!

Experiment with different locations

Last but not least, experimenting with different locations will undoubtedly spice up your sex life and help you create that sexual chemistry or take it to a whole new level. If fooling around at your place doesn’t do the trick for you, then try out something else and do it at his apartment to see if the outcome is any better. The change of scenery can be quite beneficial, but if you want to experiment even more, you should definitely go for something new. Public places like movie theatres, bars, and nightclubs are at the top of many people’s must-have-sex-at list, so don’t be scared to test them out and you’ll see how beneficial that adrenaline rush can actually be.

As you can see, there are a lot of fabulous ways to create sexual chemistry with your partner and spice up your sex life. All you have to do is to stick to our tips and tricks, as that’s one of the best ways to accomplish your goals and have amazing sex on a daily basis. If you’re up for that, you know what you should do!

Author: Peter is a sex columnist for HighStyleLife magazine. Follow Peter on Twitter for more tips.

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

Freak In The Sheets, A Lady In The Streets

Sexual woman

Men want the type of girl that is marriage worthy, the kind that they can take home to their parents and their parents will instantly love. They want a kind of girl who is sexy just for them, a freak in bed but not someone who advertises it to the whole world. They want a bit of mystery associated to their woman, they don’t want the rest of the world to know how hard you like it in the bedroom or the kinks you’re into how wild you like it or even how frequent! Men are jealous greedy souls and they want this all for themselves, but can you blame them?

Vintage pinup model
Image: Vintage pinup

Some might say this is unfair, and you know what it probably is but that’s your choice of how you want to hold yourself, flaunt if you want to but personally I prefer the more mysterious side. Think about it…. Your man might love to brag about you to his mates, your man might want to boast while the rest complain about their woman, but what he does want is for you to be sexy but not so sexy that his friends ogle you and there is nothing left to the imagination, he wants others to appreciate your beauty and find you desirable but know that is only the surface of your sex appeal.

Sexy lingerie for him
Buy Now | Lingerie and costumes for her

Of course, he secretly likes the fact his mates think you are sexy, but he doesn’t want to hear every detail of what they are thinking, and he doesn’t want to advertise it so much that his friends feel the need to comment about it all the time or in front of you. We as women love when other women find our man attractive, but there is a significant difference between smouldering appearance and flopping it out.

Those kinky mysteries are what your man wants, but he wants them to remain mysteries to everyone except him. He wants a freak in the streets and a lady on the street. A woman who knows when to cover up and when to show it off.

Private sexual expression
Image: Sexual expression

Tips for how to be the mysterious and desirable lady who gets freaky only for their man. A women who oozes sex appeal and makes other men look twice when they pass you but for all the right reasons.

Skin

Show just enough skin to show you are proud of your body but not too much where there is nothing left to the imagination.

Polite in the streets

A lady who knows when to amp up the dirty talk and can tell you exactly what she wants in the bedroom but knows how to curve her tongue when talking in public. Be careful what you wish for.

She giggles but be careful with what comes next

A lady who can giggle, covers her mouth and blushes like an innocent school girl, but out of nowhere can make the dirtiest comment or joke. She’s got two sides a devil and an angel.

She knows how to take a compliment but never lets a guy take it too far

She can politely brush off an abrupt guy in the street or a wolf whistle, she doesn’t use that as an excuse to tell the guy to “f**K Off”. She knows the difference between a harmless comment and straight up harassment. But when a guy does disrespect her she has no problem with telling him where to go.

She’s the type of women other guys will lust over, but her eyes are just for her man

Being with a woman like this means you need to have trust and confidence in your women, you have to understand that guys will check her out, but she won’t notice because her eyes are all on you.

Cute and sexy she will have the perfect combination of both

Divine powers like these are only bestowed upon women like this, ones who know when to be sexy and when to be cute. She has those innocent eyes but when you take a second look you’re instantly turned on.

Her wardrobe is high class sexy and classy but with all the innocents… underneath though is high sass and no one but you will ever know

Time is always taken to make sure she maintains a certain look about her, attention to makeup hair and her outfit always flawlessly match, but underneath all that is colour matching lingerie, lace and sexiness are oozing out waiting for her man to take off the surface layer. She’s definitely got a knack for kink, think less vanilla and more chocolate swirl with popping candy you’ll never know what’s coming next. Wearing the right lingerie can make you irresistible.

She likes tradition, but she is also unconventional

She is a sucker for all things traditional, nothing makes her happier than her friends and family. The feeling of togetherness is very important to her, but this doesn’t mean she is boring, she is free thinking and independent, speaks her mind even if it’s against popular opinion.

She takes care of your needs in life she is attentive and caring, but she gives you all your wants in the bedroom

Day to day she looks after what’s best for you, she will take care of you when you’re sick, and always thinks of both of you when it comes to choices in life. But when it comes to the bedroom your wants become your needs.

But all this is a two-way street, you can’t have a lady in the streets when your man isn’t the same way

A lady always know that this is a give and take world, she is patient loving and kind and always gives things a chance. Don’t get me wrong it will take a lot to push a woman like this away but when you do you will never ever see her again not on the streets or anywhere else.

No one wants a lady 24/7, that’s way too dull and boring, a woman who can seamlessly switch between the lady and the freak in such a fluid motion is a desirable attribute. This kind of life is a balance and in so many ways it sucks that women are expected to act a certain way and be a certain way, which is why the only way this works is if this is what you want to be. Two parts lady and two parts sexual dynamite, we walk a thin line that showcases your respect and love for your body, but with that hint of sexiness enough to not show neediness or thirst but enough the give an impeding allure about you.

No matter what anyone tells you men want a freak in the sheets and a lady on the streets.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Although relatively young Morgan has lived a life filled with experiences that have made her grow as a person. She has completed and is a product and interior designer who is a strong believer in equality between sexes and speaks out against violence. Working in the adult industry has allowed her to grow as a person and come out of her emotional and sexual shell.