No Sex Or Self-Pleasuring For Three Months!

Celibate woman

I love sex. My whole life seems to centre around it. I work as a sexologist and in an Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centre, all my personal growth work is sexuality focused. Lots of my friends are sex workers and work in the sex industry in some capacity. Oh and too top it off, it’s also my favourite thing to do in my spare time with my partner!

Just needed to give you the full picture so that you can understand the enormity of my decision to go celibate for three months. Yes, you heard correctly, no sex (oral, anal or vaginal) and no self-pleasuring for 12 whole weeks whilst being in a relationship. As I write this it has been a total of 4 weeks since I last had penetrative sex (2 weeks of full celibacy) and I am feeling the full spectrum of emotions that comes with choosing to go without one of the things I have come to value most in this world.

No sex sign
Image: No Sex

Why Celibacy?

To be honest, much of my decision to be celibate for three months doesn’t make a whole heap of logical sense to me, it comes from an intuitive sense that this is the right thing for my body, mind and soul at this stage in my life. There are however a few reasons which come to mind when I think of the reason behind this journey:

  • Since I began becoming aware of my sexual energy, I have always been outwardly sexually expressive. Whether that was self-pleasuring or connecting with others, I have never had a space in my life where sex hasn’t been an option. This is all well and good don’t get me wrong however it has meant that I have put a great deal of pressure and expectations on my body to be a certain way over the years (i.e. to give me pleasure). I had a curiosity of what it would be like to be without it.
Sex fully naked
Image: Sex
  • As mentioned previously, my life is very sex centric. This has meant I have created an identity for myself wrapped around the fact that I am a sexual person who needs to be this in order to be worthy of love. Who am I without this sexual identity? How can I discover love for myself regardless of this identity? These are the questions I desire to explore throughout my celibacy journey
  • What has also been coming up for me is how I use sex as an outlet to feel good in my life. “Duh, of course you would” you may be thinking and I get that of course that’s why we have sex because it feels good! However just like reaching for chocolate when you’re feeling sad can detach you from the emotions you’re feeling, having sex just to escape feeling shitty can be destructive if it means you’re not facing what’s really going on for you. My celibacy journey so far has been a chance to see those times when I would otherwise look to sex to avoid feeling my feelings.
Celibate couple
Image: Celibacy Journey

What does my man think of my choice to go celibate?

My choice to go 3 months without sex came from an empowered place and I am grateful to be with a man that loves me when I am in my power. In our relationship, we value freedom to follow what is true for us so my decision was met with lots of support. That doesn’t mean it is not frustrating for him (and me!!). There still exists a great amount of sexual desire between the two of us and it can be excruciating at times to not be following through with those desires. He has the freedom to follow through on his desires and whether that means connecting with others within our agreements is his choice to make. Being in a relationship certainly adds an extra layer of challenge to this already somewhat difficult adventure.

Sexuality is an aspect of ourselves that can often be hugely taken for granted. I have so much compassion for women and men who do not have the opportunities that I do to explore their sexuality. People with disabilities, a history of sexual trauma, or those living in a heavily sexually repressed society are just some of the individuals who lack the abilities to explore their sexuality as freely as I do. It is for this reason that my journey is about reclaiming a sense of gratefulness for all that my body and my sexuality offer in my life because it really is a gift not to be taken for granted.

Conscious celibacy is certainly not for the faint hearted. It takes courage, determination and a commitment to stick it out but I feel ready to continue setting out on this path to see what gold awaits me on the other side. Stay tuned…

Author: Stephanie Curtis, Sexologist

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Traumatic Pain From A Loving Touch

Intimacy problems

It’s not as easy as you thought, opening up isn’t as easy as some make it out to be, and often there will be a moment you realise that. One insignificant moment that will make you pause and realise you can’t let go, worst part is you thought you were fine; you thought you were ready to let someone in again.

Personal space
Image: Personal space

Truth is you’re not. You feel abandoned; but yet you don’t want to be touched by anyone – arm’s length distance is your type of intimacy.

It only takes one small insignificant event to cause your walls to be extra bullet proof. It’s not even something most people would flinch at, but to you it throws up all the warning signs and red flags one could possibly think of.

But unlike the other times, this time you listen to your gut.

Intimacy problems
Image: I don’t like being touched

The mind’s natural instinct that protects a person from experiencing future trauma

Those who have experienced trauma in any form know the extent of cruelty humans are capable of. Your mind is a powerful tool and sometimes it’s a little too powerful because it will try to protect you from future cruelty and assumes all people are dangerous; thus shying you away from emotional intimacy and avoiding vulnerability.

Confronting intimacy issues with your partner

It’s not always easy to tell future partners that you’re not big on touching and affection, mostly they either think it’s a joke or don’t fully understand what you mean. I mean you can always avoid telling them and just constantly make up excuses as to why you won’t stand near them, and won’t let them touch you for too long or often. Eventually you need to be upfront with them and yourself about your intimacy issues, you need to tell them that:

“Hey, it’s kind of a big deal for me”

You need to respect yourself and not be in denial about how physical contact makes you feel.

Molestation
Image: Molestation

It takes all kinds of people to make this wild world go round, and it does not mean you’re weird or not normal. If you’re not big on constant touching, affection, hand holding in public, etc. Society has this stigma that unless we show public displays of affection (PDA) and we constantly want to be all over our loved ones, we do not love them. I completely understand that being told “not to touch” your loved one is hard and pretty confusing, I mean you love that person and if they can’t touch you how is the relationship going to work?

It’s hard to read someone to know if it’s ok to touch or not. It’s a daily struggle for those who are in a relationship with someone who does not like to be touched.

I tried… I tried for so long to be ok with people touching me. From light touching, from just a hug hello or a kiss on the check bye. The usual forms of light touching perceived by society as normal. Which was absolutely insane, not to mention self-destructive and completely un-helpful.

Unfortunately there are so many vary degrees of reasons why people do not like to be touched and that does not mean they do not like affection or do not want to be intimate. Whatever their particular individual story is, it doesn’t matter. It matters that as a decent human being we need to understand that not everyone is the same and likes the same things. As humans we have this amazing and unused talent to communicate with one another, but for some helpful tips these are some ways I can guide you through dating/ being affectionate with someone who does not like to be touched.

Acknowledgment

This is a huge one! Because if someone is brave enough to make themselves vulnerable, listen to them! Respect is a huge part of dealing with issues such as these and even If it isn’t something you can understand or relate to you need to be respectful.

No means no and that doesn’t just apply for sexual consent.

Communication

In this digital age communication has become easier than ever, but for some reason we don’t use it to its fullest ability. There are no hoops of fire to jump through with this one; all you need to do is ask. If you want some TLC or craving affection from your loved one all you need to do is ask! It’s that easy, the worst answer you are going to get is a no, but as the relationship grows you soon will be able to pick up on small quirks, moods, and body language and you won’t have to ask permission as often you will just know.

Respect

There will always ne boundaries and basically the easiest thing you can do is to respect them, take your parent seriously the more respect you give the smaller the walls will get regarding to personal space.

Build trust

Most people in my situation grow with trust, as our partners respect us and understand our boundaries the more we let them in. the time periods vary but the more trust and confidence I have with my partner the more normal our intimate relationship is, and the more soft touch I am able to stand. After some time when I trust someone wholly my anxiety begins to subside and every touch be it a soft touch or intimate touch doesn’t emotionally drain me anymore. It more than often becomes something I enjoy and welcome to its fullest capacity but still within those respective boundaries.

The main thing I cannot stress enough is patience is key!

Normally when I date my rules and boundaries about touching eventually stops applying to my significant other in most situations. But at the end of the day I am still me, I am someone who values and is sensitive to personal space, I know it can be frustrating for others but I have learnt that even though it is not normal for most I need to admit I have trust and space issues and at the end of the day my needs come first. This is a part of being human we all have our little quirks, public displays of affection can be emotionally exhausting doesn’t mean I don’t love you, I just have to realise and be mindful of my limits, at the end of the day if not holding my hand in public means my partner can cuddle up to me on the lounge at home I know which I would sacrifice.

Pick and choose your battles.

Don’t ever give up on yourself, never feel ashamed and never let anyone make you feel ashamed, everyone has boundaries but if your anything like me they are just a little bigger than others.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Although relatively young Morgan has lived a life filled with experiences that have made her grow as a person. She has completed and is a product and interior designer who is a strong believer in equality between sexes and speaks out against violence. Working in the adult industry has allowed her to grow as a person and come out of her emotional and sexual shell.

A First Timer’s Erotic Body To Body Massage

B2B massage

Adultsmart has partnered up with UK’s #1 erotic massage finder Xmassage to talk about the first time experience of receiving a body to body massage. The article will go into detail about what is a body to body massage, why get this type of erotic massage and what you can expect to experience from a body to body massage.

What is a body to body massage?

A body to body massage is an erotic or sensual massage which is also known as a body 2 body massage or a B2B massage. It is a type of full body massage that is often given by professional erotic massage therapists in order to sexually arouse and excite which may lead to the receiver experiencing an orgasm. During a body to body massage both people in the experience are often completely naked at the very beginning and the masseuse will use his or her entire body to massage the most sensitive areas of the receiver.

Why get a body to body massage?

A body to body massage is considered to be one of the bestselling types of erotic massages as it is incredibly sensual, passionate, intimate and hypnotic. Massages are given to both men and women for both physical and mental health benefits. A massage can help keep the skin feeling supple and boosts circulation throughout the entire body. The boost of circulation around the genitals can help the receiver experience greater amounts of pleasure.

During the experience, people often feel like they can leave behind and relieve any stress and pressure from their day to day life which in turn can help aid in sleep. The skin to skin contact can encourage the body to release natural endorphins. The endorphins help a person to feel loved and cared for which will build trust between the two people in the experience. All of these benefits are said to enhance a person’s well-being and can make the receiver feel rejuvenated.

Start off with a soapy massage

The event may begin with a soapy massage where the masseuse will bring the client to a shower and wash their body clean with soap. The shower will relax the client’s body and the warmth will help increase blood flow which may help men to experience stronger, harder and bigger erections. A soapy massage will set the tone of the rest of the erotic experience. If you do not want a soapy massage the masseuse may request that you shower privately before the erotic experience to ensure that everything runs as smoothly as possible.

The room will be soothing and calming

The masseuse may bring their things to their client’s apartment, house, hotel or have a room already setup for the experience to begin. Soft and relaxing music will fill the room for a soothing and calming atmosphere. Candles may fill the room with soft flickering lighting and a gentle scent. The masseuse will bring towels to clean up any of the oil and a massage mattress that can easily be set-up in any room.

Both bodies will be lathered with oil and lotions

The masseuse can put on a personal performance by lathering their body from top to bottom in front of their client or they may allow their client to help them do so. This will be incredibly visually arousing to watch and do. The next step of a body to body massage is to lather the client’s body completely in oil or lotion. The touch will be gentle and soothing as they work their way over their client’s body building up the anticipation for full body contact. Building the experience visually and then through touch can be extremely commanding as it will immerse a person completely in the moment. It will be like bringing to life your very own personal fantasy.

Body 2 body massage
Image: Body to body massage

The massage oils and lotions used can feel slippery and wet but will be absorbed into the body the more it is massaged, rubbed and touched. The masseuse will rub their body completely against the receiver. The receiver will be able to feel everything from every delicate curve of the body, the softness of the breasts to the hardening of the nipples. The sensations of the masseuse’s thighs, stomach, feet, calves and arms will all bring a different feeling into the experience. The masseuse may also use her hot breathe against the oil or lotion which may have properties that help it heat up. Some massage oils and lotions are flavoured and can be licked off the body. With every moment, the experience becomes more and more exciting as the pace, pressure, strokes and movements change.

For men who receive a body to body massage the masseuse will focus on the male genitals. For women who receive a body to body massage the masseuse will focus on the breasts and female genitals. When the masseuse is ready, they may rub their genitals on top of their customer which may lead to consensual sex.

How to get a body to body massage?

There are many different ways to get an erotic massage. There are physical erotic massage stores or you can find a tantric erotic massage masseuse online. It is important for customers to specify what is included in the experience so that they don’t miss out on something that could completely change the whole outcome. A body to body massage may include mutual masturbation but that depends on what the agreement has been made between the masseuse and the customer. Each experience will be different depending on the masseuse and the customer. To gain the amazing benefits of a body to body massage the recommended time frame is one hour.

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

Edging 101: What To Do and How To Get Started

Man kissing his girlfriend

“When you are pulling against the restraints… when your back is arched and your hips are writhing… when your mouth is open in a silent scream of tortured rapture… you will know that my work has begun”. – Pleasure Torture

Edging or orgasm control can be achieved through masturbation or help from a partner. We have partnered up with Bait’D Designs BDSM, Sex, and Jewelry Blog to teach you how to get started edging for your first time.

What is Edging?

During sex, BDSM, and kinks, achieving orgasms is not the only thing that can bring you or your partner pleasure. Edging is a popular method that involves controlling orgasms by bringing you or your partner to the brink of orgasm, and then right before it happens, you back away. Then you repeat this process over and over again, building up your sexual energy until you or your partner finally allow you to achieve an orgasm. The sexual energy building up to an orgasm can be similar to the sexual energy you build from celibacy. You can repeat the edging process multiple times to intensify you or your partner’s orgasm. For men, this exercise can increase the volume of ejaculation and force of ejaculation. This can be effective especially for men who suffer from premature ejaculation. Other popular terms that can describe the act of edging are peaking, surfing, or riding the edge.

Edging For Women

Edging for women is a difficult process to master. You want to focus on getting her to approach an orgasm, but don’t let it actually happen. Some people find it beneficial for the women to alert their partner when they are getting close to an orgasm so that their partner knows when to back off. When men typically hear that their women is about to ‘cum’, their usual instinct is to go harder, but in the case of edging, this requires some discipline from both participants. It is important to remember that as you are edging a woman, the smallest change can make a huge impact. Sometimes change will make a women lose the build up to an orgasm, or it may bring her over the edge. Losing an orgasm will send her into the refractory period, and then you will have to start over to build up that orgasm again. Staying consistent is key and the lighter touch, the better. In fact, 70% of women who like edging say lighter touches help to reduce the pressure when climax is near. Everyone is different so what works for one women may not work for another.

If you are going in solo you will also need to have some discipline as well. Our natural instinct is to keep going when something feels good, so you will need to be able to slow down and prevent yourself from orgasm, especially since you know your body best.

There are a variety of methods you can use to perform edging on a woman, but the easiest would be with the external clit (or clitoris). You can perform edging on your lady partner by rubbing, licking, and other movements. For a more advanced way to edge a women, you can try G-spot stimulation. The G-spot orgasm is harder to control because you are dealing with the sensitivity of the vagina walls, as well as vulva stimulation. It is recommended that you start out with a vibrator or dildo instead to stay more consistent in this area if you are just starting to learn how to edge.

Dom overpowering woman
Image: Dom

Edging For Men

Benefits for edging men include increased testosterone levels, lasting longer during sex, and self-discipline. Edging for men also helps to minimize or overcome premature ejaculation when done properly and consistently. During the edging process you are training the brain to be comfortable achieving a high level of sexual pleasure without ejaculating. Much like edging for a women, edging a man also follows the same principles. The giver and receiver must be disciplined and not get over excited during this process.

Edging for a man can occur with a hand job, blow job, vibrating cock ring, or whatever tickles your fancy. Let your imagination explore the possibilities. It is recommended that edging is done without the use of porn for a more controlled environment.

For men, there is also a popular ballooning technique that is similar to the edging, but a lot of men who have done it feel it is better than edging. Ballooning begins by masturbating and gently rubbing the sensitive part of the penis until full erection is achieved. Continue to stimulate and then just before ejaculation, you slow down the stimulation. At this time, you should incorporate medium Kegels exercises as you inhale, and then release the Kegels as you exhale. You should increase the intensity of the Kegels upon every inhale, and repeat this process just like you are doing reps in the gym. During intercourse, this technique can also provide a stimulating effect for the women.

Edging As A Dominant

Edging is often used as a way for a dominant to take control of their submissive by using erotic denial as control. Some masters allow their slave to masturbate without orgasm. Masters will usually give their slaves tasks and will tell a slave how many times during the day they should take themselves to the edge of orgasm and stop. The slave learns that their orgasms are owned by their master and practices control and discipline. The master can also incorporate punishments when they orgasm. Beyond edging, orgasm control for a dominant or master can also mean not allowing your slave/submissive to stop cumming until they beg you to stop.

It’s always beneficial to spice up your sexual routine. Now you know the basics, so get out there and experience edging for yourself! Whether you are going in solo, edging your partner, or receiving, the benefits from edging will help enhance you and your partner’s sex life for the better.

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

6 Tricks For When Your Man Cannot Get Hard

Erectile dysfunction

As a sexologist, I get an in-depth insight into one of the most intimate areas of people’s lives. It really is an honour to have people open up to me about their sexuality, this being something I do not take lightly. I understand sex to still be such a taboo in many people’s lives hence understand how vulnerable it can be to share one’s experiences.

Recently, I had a conversation with a man who had entered a new relationship and was unable to “get it up.” Seeing this person so filled with stress and anxiety about his perceived inability to perform got me thinking about the role us women play when the men in our lives are overcome with anxiety and pressure to perform.

Much of the stress and anxiety that men feel when they cannot get an erection comes from outdated beliefs that to be a man means to do everything he can to please and pleasure a woman with an erect penis. It saddens me knowing that so many men do not come to understand this as a false belief which does more harm than good. Women play such an important part in this process for men with the following some of the tools and approaches I recommend to support men through what can be a challenging time in their lives:

Allow him to express his emotions

When a man places an expectation on himself to get an erection and doesn’t, he can often be overwhelmed with a great deal of shame, frustration, anger and embarrassment. Allow him the space to express his emotions in a safe container so that rather than stewing in these toxic feelings he is given an outlet to get them out of his system. This could mean bashing a pillow, shaking, yelling (though not at you) or whatever else he does when he is feeling emotionally overwhelmed (e.g. going for a run or swim). Emotions can cause a host of problems if left unexpressed so encouraging him to express can mean the difference between staying stagnant and moving forward.

Man unhappy about erectile dysfunction
Image: Man expressing emotions

Encourage him to communicate

Men are rarely encouraged to speak about their feelings and the things that are troubling them. Let your man know that it is safe to talk about what is going on for him. Be present with him when he shares with you his thoughts and feelings on what is going on for him. It is crucial he knows that he can trust you with something so vulnerable for him.

Offer him a space to receive without any expectations of what is to happen

Offering your man a chance to receive can be a really beautiful way of him experiencing pleasure that isn’t dependant on him having an erection. A penis massage or oral sex can feel exquisite even with a non-erect penis and can be a chance for him to really drop into his body, away from his mind that is incessantly pressuring him to perform. Let him know before that an erection or orgasm is not the key of the experience and that you simply want him to receive with nowhere to get to and nothing to do but enjoy the experience.

Connect with him in an intimate way

Taking time to be intimate and sensual with your man is still really important regardless of whether he has an erection. This could mean giving and receiving a massage, cuddling, kissing or engaging in oral sex. Just because a man doesn’t have an erection, doesn’t mean he still doesn’t find you attractive or want to be sexual with you. This brings me to my next point…

Refrain from personalising the “problem”

Asking “Don’t you find me attractive anymore?” is valid however it can place enormous pressure on your man to console you when he is already in a vulnerable position. Some women can get quite upset when their man does not get an erection when engaging intimately with them and its perfectly fine to feel this way but just remember that how sexy, attractive or desirable you are should never be dependent on another person. Take care of yourself and when you feel like you are not asking from a triggered place, it can be great to ask if there is anything you can do for your man. Just ensure that if you do, do so from a place of genuine care and not for validation of your worth.

Invest in your own pleasure

As great as sex with your man can be, if he has difficulties getting an erection it can be a great opportunity to really dive into your own pleasure solo. Here are some ways to invest in your own pleasure:

These are the little things that can make all the difference between feeling victimised by your partner’s inability to get an erection and being empowered by taking your pleasure into your own hands.

Being supportive, loving and compassionate with your man if and when he faces challenges with getting an erection is such a beautiful way to approach what can be an incredibly challenging time for him.

Author: Stephanie Curtis, Sexologist

Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph’s writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.