Master Slowing Things Down With Roaring Hot Tantra

Couple Kissing Intimately With Tantra

Recently whilst completing an intensive for my studies in sexology, I heard an elaborate sexual dysfunction called an Idiosyncratic Masturbatory Response which instantly grabbed my attention.

An idiosyncratic masturbatory response refers to an individual having a particular way of masturbating and reaching orgasm that cannot be replicated during intimate experiences with a partner. This has the potential to cause difficulties in a relationship or when being intimate with others as many people enjoy the experience of reaching orgasmic states with another person.

After doing a bit of research, I came across countless articles describing “the death grip” where men become so conditioned to receive hard and strong self-penile stimulation (usually whilst watching pornography) that they find it difficult to feel aroused when having penetrative or oral sex with a partner.

I know that it’s not just men that experience this need for strong stimulation. As a woman, I used to approach self-pleasuring in a way that did not honour my body. It was an experience that was often filled with shame & guilt that I just wanted it over with as quick as possible (I believe this has a lot to do with the fact that masturbation is seldom spoken of in mainstream sex education but that’s another article of itself!!) This hard and fast approach can result in difficulties reaching orgasm with a partner which can cause feelings of frustration and decreased desire for sex with your partner.

There is such a strong culture of seeking heightened orgasmic states in our society that the subtleties of being intimate with another human being go unnoticed. People become so fixated on the peak-the orgasm-the grand finale- that everything that happens beforehand is not fully experienced in its totality.

The beauty and pleasure from the softest touch, the sensations in our body when your lover looks at you, the fullness from feeling them in complete stillness inside us as we make love is all lost when we approach being intimate with them full of expectations of “achieving” orgasm. This is where Tantra comes in…

Many people are curious of what Tantra is and what Tantric sex looks like. Tantra is a complex philosophy however when I speak of Tantric sex, I mean a sexual experience where each moment and sensation is experienced in its totality with no expectations of getting anywhere or reaching anything. Tantra teaches us that a world of pleasure is accessible to us in the smallest of intimate experiences if we so choose to become attuned to the subtleties.

There are many ways to slow down and bring greater pleasure and presence into your sex life, with one’s own self-loving practice a perfect place to start. Bringing a level of conscious intention into your self-pleasuring and dedicating time to yourself with no intent other than to love yourself up can be a beautifully healing and pleasurable experience. Lighting some candles, having a relaxing hot bath and massaging your whole body with some gorgeous oils prior to any genital stimulation can really help eradicate that orgasm goal and teach you to slow down with your own body so that you can access more sensation and pleasure (A sexual health product available from Wildfire is All Over Pleasure Oil which is my personal favourite).

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When men and women are used to hard and fast stimulation, having slow and gentle sex can bring up a lot of intense emotion. Frustration, anger, sadness, numbness and boredom can all arise when we begin to slow down and fully feel. It is not usual to be in touch with slight sensations and it can take some time for our bodies and minds to drop in and notice them. It is perfectly normal to feel the full spectrum of emotions when doing something that we are not used and often many of us have never tried slowing it down in the bedroom so be kind to yourself and your partner.

Naked Couple Having Public SexPhoto: Couple Having Tantric Sex

I highly encourage people to step away, if only on special occasions, from a hard and fast approach to sex, into an experience of love and connection with their partner. This could include eye gazing, breathing together, cuddling, kissing or extended foreplay-the key being that this will bring you into complete presence with your partner. Just remember, it is easy to get caught up in our minds when slowing it down so if this happens, practice mindfulness and come back to feeling sensation in your body.

Slowing down can take a personal and relational commitment, with open communication between partners extremely important to navigate any changes you both desire to make with your sex lives. It takes patience and being gentle with ourselves and our partner to make the transition from goal oriented sex to completely present intimacy however the magic that can be experienced when we do is completely worth it.

About the author: Stephanie is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph's writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.

Sex, Sexuality & Genders of The Future!

DNA modification

The other day I was reading a book and a question was posed are people a product of their genes or of their environment or as the academics put it Nature Vs Nurture and I wondered how that applied to many things including sexuality.  With science rapidly improving we are able to dip into and alter the gene pool and genetically modify everything from crops to humans.  In 2015 scientists altered the DNA of human embryos, genetically modifying them using a method called the Crisper technique.  Welcome to the Brave New World where science fiction written in 1931 is becoming a reality.

With the technology available today scientists and doctors are now be able to change a person’s physical, intellectual and possibly even mental capabilities through this engineering.  It will allow in the future the riddance of many hereditary diseases and allow man to play god.  Regardless of where your stance is ethically on this it does pose some uncomfortable questions like –

Under What circumstances could this genetic engineering take place?

Who would qualify?  Would it be only used to correct ailments and deformities or would it be optional for parents to choose the color of there to be born child’s hair or eyes?

What controls will be put in place?

Will it be used to improve intellectual abilities of the masses?

Gender Positive
Gender Profiles

But what about SEX?

The sex of a new-born child can be genetically engineered to that of the parents, or viewing into the future, the buyers/creators choices.  So that is all well and good but how about sexuality and sexual preferences.  With sexual revolution in the late 60’s and early 70’s tolerance between sexual preferences, now being politically correct genders, was practiced by most.  It was still accepted that there was a man and a woman but the expectation that relationships be solely between a man and a woman were broadened and there were the straights (some being closeted straights) and the LGBT community was formed which stands for Lesbian Gay, Bisexual and Transsexual.

In the 90’s the LGBT acronym was expanded to LGBTQ the Q standing for Queer or Questioning.  In the year 2000 this new gender equality world there were 63 accepted variations of gender rather than that of a man and a woman.  The question of gender equality was raised and debate began as being a sex positive community what additional genders should be included and in the United States the acronym became LGBTQQIP2SAA whilst in the United Kingdom it became LGBTIQCAPGNGFNBA.  This has been expanded further still and some acronyms carry 26 letters which is just absurd, sensible gender accepting people now simply use LGBTQ+.

List of Genders
Gender Issues

In Australia we are currently in the middle of a plebiscite for same sex marriage.  Controversy has raged with many members of the public who thought that the vote was to allow a man to marry a man or a woman to marry a woman. Many are still not aware that there that included in this vote are over 100 genders and the vote is for the legal right for one human being to marry another human being regardless of sex, sexual preference or gender.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I will vote ‘Yes’ and I am an advocate in same sex marriage but even I struggle with a gender that is described as a ‘Feminine Male That is Attracted to a Bisexual Hermaphromale’.  In any event different strokes for different folks and certainly in principle, and in practice.

So where am I going with this?  If we can genetically engineer the sex of a child and there are now over 100 gender identities where does the future of sex lie?  Will government regulate what gender preferences there are available?  Will there be scope to tailor make and custom build your future child’s gender?  Will gender society become more fragmented in the Brave New World that can be a reality and there become gender exclusive communities, or cities or will we come back to strict definitions of a man and a woman.

There is nothing natural about genetic engineering but is it possible that nurture may overcome genetic engineering?

Scarier still the technology to clone humans already exists – however difficult it may be.  So why has a human being not been cloned officially? Who knows what has occurred off the record?  Your baby boy has just died, would you not love to have the exact human clone produced from his DNA?  It is not easy to clone primates but with enough money and resources it would be.  The reason is that commercially it is not viable to clone a human, and some would throw in the ethical argument.

Most humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes that are basically identical and found in almost every cells nucleus.  The differences between humans are caused by genes that segments of DNA that make each human being unique.  However as this DNA is passed down from mother and father to offspring there are traits will be unique to them which allows for DNA testing.  Believe it or not DNA testing will accurately test for family ancestry for at least 5 generations and if the gene pool is strong enough up to 700 years.  So we are not all from the same gene pool.

Livestock cloning is business and successful. Intrexon a bio-tech company has been cloning sheep, cattle, pigs and pets for years.  The average price to clone your recently passed canine it about US $100,000 but that is a small amount when you consider cloning a successful race horse.  Buying one that is bred can cost millions of dollars – however will the racing authorities allow you to put a cloned horse on the track?  Well perhaps not!  However in 2013 Polo star Adolfo Cambiaso rode on a cloned horse, their team winning the Argentine Polo Open.

 

So what happens when in the future if we start cloning human beings?  Imagine the same scenario as before but rather than just losing your baby boy you also lost you sweet daughter.  You were a nucleur family – husband and wife with son and daughter.  You are distressed beyond belief and in your despair look at cloning as an option but because of the cost involved you can only afford to create one.  You cannot make the choice so you choose to use DNA from both.

Forget about the moral and legal injustice that a clone is not born so therefore cannot be considered a human being.  Cross-cloning can be done between the same species?  Theoretically most experts agree that the result could only be female in sex.  But hang on a second, cloning creates an embryo.  Scientists genetically engineer an embryo to make changes, including sex.  Do you see where I am heading with this?

Let us hope that we do not enter this brave new world, but if we do what will it mean for sex, sexuality and gender options?

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Rick is the owner of the Adultsmart, an online sex toy shop that stocks over 13,000 products. He has been involved in the adult lifestyle industry for more than 25 years. Rick is an active sex blogger who provides a wealth of information and experience. He is an advocate of equality for gender and sexuality.

Deciding To Touch – A Personal Story

Sexual Assault Teal Ribbon

*Disclaimer- assault may trigger some readers please be advised*

Here we go, my personal story of how the me of today came to light. Not all of us come into this world of sexual excitement and enticement with a “bang”. A one in which magical arousing confetti erupts into the air as the “to be” most enchanted moment arrives. Some start off with fear, caution, and betrayal, that “thing” that everyone says won’t happen to them happens.

You don’t have to be drunk at a party or be put in a dodgy situation for this to happen, sometimes just walking your dog in a friendly neighbourhood can become a crime scene. We all utter the words “I won’t put myself in that situation for that to happen” but it’s not always our choice.

Choice is my most used word in my vocabulary, choice is the motto of my life. My choices are what got me to where I am today, although that road was a rough ride with many mistakes I am proud to say they were all because I chose.

Not all those who are assaulted go out into the big bad wide world and to put it bluntly “sleep with everything that moves” to fill that void and numb the pain. Don’t get me wrong it works for some but for me, this wasn’t an option I was willing to take. I chose to choose my emotions over my body, and it’s a choice I’ll never regret. The body never forgets and it’s the fault of the mind, simple touches that should be arousing and intimate become triggers for pain and emotion. Flinching is normal, flinching at the most normal touches almost become unbearable. Hugging is a huge one for me, a simple hug is not easy because you are allowing someone into your personal space and your body.

Quote by imom.com
Image: Good Sex Starts With Good Conversation

The body recalls a touch that was once sensual and arousing and turns it into a trigger to shut off and become numb. I chose to handle myself the best way I knew possible, I chose to choose. My first time was taken with scares as a memory every single day. I had to teach myself to feel again, I had to learn to not block out my emotions and to become myself again. I had to learn not to shower five times a day because I constantly felt “dirty” and I had to choose to stop getting embarrassed about a huge scar that runs up an intimate part of my body and warning people to stop them from being shocked by it.

For me, this was a long journey in which I have lost and found myself many many times, but finally, sex became meaningful, intense and powerful. For me, I became more open and willing to try things that before this happened I would have never even considered. I explored myself first, I learnt what I liked about myself and how my body reacted, I learnt to love myself first not in the sense that I liked the way I looked but in the sense that I listened to my body and emotions. My self-discovery is where I learnt to trust my gut feeling and to never let what I went through dictate the rest of my life. I chose to not hate all men but to trust my own instincts, which might I add didn’t have a 100% strike rate! But I learnt and that’s the main thing!

Trust exercises, goals, boundaries these are all the things in therapy you are told to write down and think about. These don’t mean just with a partner these also relate to yourself, and how you build your journey into intimacy. Sexual healing takes patience and don’t ever do something until you are ready for it emotionally and physically. For a very long time my mind and my body were disconnected, every time I chose to have sex I did not enjoy it because my body and mind would constantly disassociate. This was my greatest hurdle because feeling meant triggering “that feeling” and I can’t tell you how many times I burst into tears during and after sex. But each time I did I grew and I evolved and I became stronger!

Loving Couple Hugging
Photo: Couple Touching Each Other Passionately

There are plenty of supportive, understanding partners out there, but there are also people who are going to make you feel like their sexual needs are more important than your safety needs. Being able to address your history on your own timeline, without having to even consider anyone else, is a wonderful benefit. It may take you some time to fully process this experience, and it may continue to surface in surprising and frustrating ways. But don’t let this person steal your chance for joy and intimacy. If you have the desire to learn how to enjoy sex (and again, you don’t have to), you can get there.

My most favourite quote which I tattooed onto my body is “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”.

Learn, grow, feel, and most importantly discover yourself first!

About the author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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Sexpert is our resident full time sex blogger. Having successfully owned and managed a number of blogs relating to women's lifestyle, she easily blended into her role as chief blogger of the Adultsmart Blog. She is in a long term relationship with her boyfriend. She also runs Good Girl Guide, a sexual lifestyle blog.

Having Incredibly Hot Pregnancy Sex

Pregnant Couple In Bed

Can I Have Sex While Pregnant?

A big question when it comes to pregnancy is about sex. Can you still have it? What’s safe? What about sex toys, are they going to harm you while you are pregnant or affect the baby that is now a part of your body? While there are precautions to take into consideration the short answer is no, you do not have to put down your vibrator. Phew!

If you are a regular lover and user of sex toys with your partner or just for masturbation you will be thrilled to know that just because you are pregnant it does not mean you have to lock your favourite toys away and wait that incredibly long 9 months to get them out again.

What Are The Risk And Warnings?

Now while every women is different and every pregnancy is different, some general factors to consider if you are wanting to continue or even begin using sex your while you are pregnant it is important to get the dangers and cautions out of the way first:

  • Check with your doctor.
  • Are you a high risk pregnancy or have you had complications? If so consult your doctor as there might be risks you are not aware of when it comes to sex or sex toys.
  • Every toy that you use or that enters your body MUST be sterilised and 100% clean. This is incredibly important as you do not want to be transfer diseases or infections into your body while you are pregnant.
  • Do not use anal toys in the vagina, mix and matching can cause infection.
  • Be aware of extra sensitivity. Although you may not realise now your body changes a lot throughout pregnancy and so does your sensitivity to certain areas, so what felt good before may not feel good while you’re pregnant e.g. nipples
  • Be gentle. While it is not in the pregnancy sex handbook, when using sex toys be aware of how you are using the toy and how rough you might get. As long as it feels good for you and there is no pain you are safe.
  • DO NOT use e-stim (electro stimulation) sex toys internally or externally. This is incredibly important to be aware of as this can affect your baby directly.
  • Stay away from certain toys that contain phthalates as they can cause disruptions to your hormones. Always opt for “phthalate free”.

Another product that goes hand in hand with sex and sex toys is lube. When you are pregnant be aware that anything with a high sugar level can cause yeast infections in the vagina and anything with menthol for “cooling” or any lube labelled for “warming” or “buzzing”, stay away! Keep it simple with a basic good quality lubricant to keep safe.

Although it may feel like a lot of warnings and cautions don’t be put off using your favourite sex toy, embrace the precautions and play it safe but make sure you still play. While women are pregnant there are so many hormones rushing through the body every day and once you have passed the first 3 months and all the nausea is gone you will start to feel an incredible surge of energy and endorphins along with the desire for sex. Oh yes, women become incredibly horny and desire things they may not have before, so embrace the feelings and have sex! Masturbate! Go for an old favourite or try something new. Keeping in mind the basic precautions sex should not be limited to “vanilla” you should be embracing your desires and feeding your body what it needs.

How To Have Sex Whilst Pregnant
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What Toys Are Safe To Use While Pregnant?

When it comes to the toys themselves what is going to be safe and what should we be keeping away from? Maybe now is not the time to start training for a 13 inch don’t or a larger than life butt plug but you’re not limited to some of the greats:

  • Dongs (vibrating or non-vibrating) are more than safe to use while pregnant. Made to simulate the penis and to be used for internal penetration, dongs are a great way to satisfy the urge if you do not have a partner or just require a little bit of extra penetration. Although they are not as soft as the real deal careful and enjoy. A personal recommendation, the Real Feel range. These toys are soft and lifelike and will give optimum pleasure and realistic feel.
  • Vibrators are a women’s best friend and totally safe to use while pregnant. Use for masturbation or with your partner for more intense orgasms which are totally baby safe.
  • Anal play. While it is totally safe to use anal plugs, beads or dongs while pregnant, it is important to be gentle and considerate your limits.
  • Nipple stimulation can be amazing when pregnant if you are one of the lucky women whose breasts are not aching. Start out slowly and if you are comfortable with more intense nipple stimulation e.g. from clamps and suction cups go for it!
  • Get creative! While women are pregnant it can be a little more difficult to manoeuvre around the baby belly to find the right position that’s good for both you and your partner. Some great positions for optimum satisfaction; doggy style, women on top or spooning

For those who are still a little too wary of the cautions, don’t give up on toys all together. Try some light clitoral stimulation with something like the Nu Sensuelle Point bullet vibrator or something you can take in the bath to make your alone time a little more special with the Satisfyer Pro 2 next generation. These toys are designed for external use only and you don’t need to worry about any penetration that might make you uncomfortable.

Embrace your beautiful body and the new found sex drive you have from all the hormones pregnancy has graced you with because I can assure you after that baby is born you will not want this kind of attention for a while. Use your sex toys alone or with your partner and enjoy the intense orgasms and sense of euphoria.

About the author: Nikki is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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Sexpert is our resident full time sex blogger. Having successfully owned and managed a number of blogs relating to women's lifestyle, she easily blended into her role as chief blogger of the Adultsmart Blog. She is in a long term relationship with her boyfriend. She also runs Good Girl Guide, a sexual lifestyle blog.

Revolutionize Sex With Your Primal Instinct

Horny Couple Pashing

Through my studies in sexology and explorations in the world of Tantra and finding out what is spiritual sexuality, I have come to view and understand many diverse aspects of human sexuality. Sex is a powerful outlet to connect with different parts of ourselves and allows us to share those parts with others in a beautiful and pleasurable way. From having our need to feel emotionally connected to another human being met to a blissfully ecstatic & orgasmic release, sex allows us to be our most authentic and trues selves if we so desire.

Recently whilst completing an intense training diving into sex and spirituality, I experienced a connection to a part of myself which was incredibly healing and empowering- I refer to this part as my inner animal!!  This primal part of myself is so amazing to connect with and allows me a chance to be completely in tune with my senses and my body.

Today, we human beings spend much of our lives in our minds. We think too much, spend an excessive amount of time being occupied with technology and feel this constant need to experience the world in a logical way. I recall a time not so long ago when I became aware of how disconnected I was from my body. When I tuned in to myself, I realised that I was only really in touch with the feelings in my head, completely switched off from the sensations in the rest of my body. Throughout my life, as with so many people, I was encouraged to think, to analyse and to speak. Apart from incidental times like completing sport and when being in pain, I spent most my life in my head.

Being In Touch With Your Body

It is so clear to me now the need for people to experience more of this life in their body, to feel the subtle sensations that are accessible in every single moment throughout the day. Animals are a great example of this, completely in touch with their bodies, using their senses to guide them in the world. They are present to what is, not worrying about the past and stressing about the future, just living in complete presence of what is.

Couple In Bed Engaging In Foreplay
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How To Embody Your Inner Animal

One of the most exhilarating places to embody your inner animal is when connecting sexually with another. When all your senses are turned on and alive it makes for an extremely fun, pleasurable and energising sexual experience. The most enticing part of sex is how good it feels-what could be better than tuning in and amplifying your senses to increase the pleasure during sexual play? Being out of our minds and completely in our body making love with another is one of the most incredible experiences to have if we dare to step into it.

Approaching sex in an animalistic way can look and feel unique for each person. From roaring, purring or growling in your partner’s ear to crawling on all fours, wrestling or being wild like an animal during foreplay, the possibilities are endless.

Doing this with a partner who you trust and can express yourself freely with is crucial for you to really access that wild animal living inside you. It may feel a bit awkward to start with-not unlike a lion cub finding its roar- but if you really take the time and be courageously vulnerable, you’ll eventually access a primal side of yourself that loves to come out and play!!

One of my favourite ways to connect with my inner animal and my man simultaneously is to wrestle. I highly recommend you trying this one out with a partner if you are both up for an adventure!

Find yourselves a soft floor or mattress with enough space to avoid banging up against anything and ensure any breakables are out of reach. Get on all fours as if you were a lion or tiger (or magical unicorn if that is your thing!) and face your partner. Now depending on how easy it is for you to connect with your wild side, you may or may not want to take some time to close your eyes and connect to yourself. Breathe deeply, notice your heart beating, the energy moving through your body and any sensations that grab your attention. Opening your eyes and bringing a sense of playfulness to the experience, look your partner in the eyes and stare them down as if you are a wolf and they are your prey-ready to devour. Find your growl, express whatever noises want to come out and move around on your hands and knees as if you are stalking them and wanting to catch them. Go wild (with some mindfulness to avoid hurting them of course!) and have fun playing!

Whatever comes next is up to the two of you-sometimes for me it has turned into a hilarious and comical bit of fun where we’re both in hysterics, other times a wild, animalistic lead into amazing sex!! Avoid expectations, enjoy yourselves and use it as an amazing chance to see a different side of yourself and your partner.

Getting in touch with this side of myself has meant I feel more throughout my day to day life and experience more pleasure in my body during sex- purely because I am out of my head and in it. I cannot recommend exploring your inner animal enough-there may be a raging Jaguar roaring inside ready to pounce (or a cute purring kitty cat…only one way to find out!). I also apply these 6 Sure Fire Tantra Methods to my sexual lifestyle to make the experience even better!

Author: Stephanie Curtis- BA Nursing

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Meet the newest member to our team of experts. Stephanie Curtis is a sexologist with a huge capacity to care. Involved in spirituality and tantra her articles are professional, articulate and interesting. Enjoy Steph's writings at the adultsmart sexual wellness and health blog.
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