Secrets My Ex-Lover Asked Me Never to Tell!

A person’s love life can be a roller coaster indeed! While some people go from one partner to the next, others are dead set on finding the love of their life via a transgender dating website, for instance.

Then, there’s me!  I’m somewhere in the middle. My love life isn’t exactly what you’d call turbulent. Moreover, sharing intimate details from an old relationship isn’t something I’d normally do. However, I do believe I had some experiences that some of you might find useful.

With that in mind, here are some things that I learned from a girl I was in a relationship for almost 5 years. I’ve decided not to disclose our names because I want to protect her identity, but I’m still going to share with you guys some of the most interesting stuff I learned from her that she asked me never to tell anyone!


The Lesbian Experience

At one point in the relationship, my ex told me about the time in college when she had sex – not like making out or petting, but full-blown coitus – with another girl! The story revolved around her and her then-roommate who she was close with at the time.

Allegedly, the two college chicks went to a party, became super horny while dancing and making out with some random guys, but had to leave and go back to their dorm once the party ended abruptly. Intoxicated and still craving for sex, the two roommates allowed the situation to escalate and wound up in bed together, having what my ex described as one the best sexual experiences she ever had.

Although she claimed that this little field trip didn’t change the fact that she was completely straight, I couldn’t help but wonder: aren’t we all a bit bisexual?


The Forbidden Crush

Another interesting thing that I learned about my ex while I was with her is that she used to have a crush on her dad’s buddy from work while she was in her late teens. This guy was like 45 or something at the time, but that didn’t stop her from blushing every time she saw the man.

She admitted that deep down she knew nothing could ever happen between them. However, she had this notion of him being the perfect example of what a man should look and behave like. In her words, the ‘purely platonic’ crush revolved around his dad bod, his perfect chin and hairline and the way he addressed the people around him with respect.

In my opinion, this was probably a part of the “getting to know yourself” process that we all go through. She just had a particular person she used as an example of the guy she would want to marry in the future.


Clitoris vs. Vagina

People will tell you different things when it comes to clitoral and vaginal orgasms. Some will claim that the clitoris is the way to go while others will argue that the only real orgasm is the vaginal one. But in the end, it all comes down to personal preference.

For instance, I tried a multitude of different methods to bring my ex to a climax and all of them worked, but it wasn’t until a couple of years in the relationship that she admitted she always preferred the clitoris over the vagina in terms of reaching an orgasm.

In her words, it’s much easier to stimulate the clitoris and the orgasm comes faster.


How About Anal?

It’s no wonder that the question of anal sex surfaced at some point while I was with my ex. After all, we were together for five years. However, it wasn’t one of those situations where I was begging her to do it with me. No, I simply asked her what did she think about it, had she tried it before and if yes, how did it make her feel.

Turned out that she wasn’t a virgin in that sense. However, she confessed to me she tried it only once ever since becoming sexually active because it proved to be a weird experience for her. Namely, the whole idea of some guy putting his tool into her butt was not that appealing to her, but she wanted to try it with her then-boyfriend since he was really insisting and she was curious.

Now, here’s the most interesting part: although she didn’t find the concept attractive and went through some pain while doing it, she did manage to have an orgasm while having anal sex. She broke up with the guy shortly after for unrelated reason but swore never to have anal sex again despite having a somewhat pleasurable experience with it.

Sexual Secrets


I bet that you’re wondering what’s the message I’m trying to send by letting everyone know about my ex-lover’s personal secrets. For one thing, it’s because I want to help you learn that all women are different.

This applies to people in general, I know, but when it comes to women, there’s really no telling what preferences they have, what they’re brave enough to try and what crazy thoughts they might have at certain points in their life.

Having a platonic crush on a 45-year-old dude is pretty much the same as refusing to have anal sex despite the fact that you find it satisfying – the only difference is that there are various things a girl might like or dislike.

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus

I’ve been reading The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus by Violet Blue. This is a how to guide to eating pussy for those of you who didn’t get that from the title. The book is approximately 200 pages and is an easy to read self-help book great for anyone who enjoys giving really great head to women. Violet Blue is a sex educator and gives excellent advice and helpful instructions on giving exquisite pleasure. There are also illustrations by sexpert Alison Tyler to help you visualise the text from Violet. 

This isn’t a book I would normally read but I found once I started it, I got into it. This book is great because it doesn’t matter if you’re a heterosexual man or a queer identifying woman (or a non-binary person) whose friend loves a little oral. I think this would be a great tool to give a teenager who is going through puberty or beginning to engage in sexual intercourse. This allows you to identify which body parts you like to touch and where you like to be touched. I think this book would be empowering and give agency to teenagers exploring their sexuality. This book is not just a beginner’s guide, but also a refresher class for some. The book has clear illustrations of a woman’s anatomy; I’ll say again for the people at the back who are not listening. It shows you where the clitoris is and how to use it to your advantage. Even if you don’t read the entire book, please do society a favour and read that chapter (it’s chapter 3). The book also discusses safe sex and the potential nasties that you can still get even from oral sex, again important information everyone needs to know. 

I found this book offered more than just a ‘how to go down on a woman’ because as you all know, some things you learn from doing them and practising but you can learn somethings from a textbook, and this book can definitely help you. I found myself at the beginning nodding along and thinking to myself, “Well, obviously…” However, as the text goes on it offers more in-depth tips and instructions that even had me wanting to try it out. The author has a friendly tone and it does not read like a textbook which I found made the book enjoyable and engaging. 

The best thing about Violet’s book is she uses simple language, marketing her book to all ages and genders. Violet and Alison have carefully placed the illustrations for the more difficult manoeuvres and included a suggested list of erotic literature and DVD recommendations for the readers for further study on the art of cunnilingus. This really is a book that would benefit anyone from young to old with a skillset anywhere in between. I’d also like to highlight the section on performing oral sex on people with disabilities – which is often an unmentioned or taboo subject. I think this is important because it’s not frequently discussed and it needs a more open dialogue in our society that people with disabilities still enjoy sex. 

I disliked the chapter on shaving the least where she discusses that hair may be an issue for some people as an angry feminist I just think it is your body and it’s not up for discussion if you are shaved or not. The chapter seemed to be in favour of the person performing the oral sex dictating whether you should be shaved/waxed or not and this was a message I can really not stand behind. However, she goes on to discuss various textures and tastes and my annoyance begun to wear off. 

The book also gives recommendations on different positions and how approaching new positions to try for performing oral sex. I enjoyed the way in which violet offered effective communications tip throughout which is so important to reiterate through healthy and safe sex behaviour. The communication tips range from talking to a reluctant partner who is apprehensive about engaging in oral sex and well as ongoing communication during oral sex. She highlights the importance of communication during oral sex which is something I wholeheartedly agreed with sentiment.  

Author Violet Blue

Overall, I would recommend that you read this book, if not for you but for all the people that you go down on. I know we all like to think we are great at giving head, but it never hurts to expand one’s expertise in bringing your partner to a more intense climax. I do highly recommend this to people entering their sexual years as a safe sex and a text that promotes safe and encouraging sexual practices. This book is not only a how to guide and an instructional manual – you should think of this book as a bible, the how to make her cum repeatedly bible.

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

Kink and Couples Cuckold Play with Sir James

Today we’d like to continue our exploration of kink and fetish, and we’re proud to present Sir James from Fetish House in Melbourne. Without giving too much away he has been describes as massive, strong and rugged with piercing brown eyes. Sir James speciality interests include dominance, bondage, manhandling, heavy impact play and BDSM couples coaching.

Sir James At Fetish House

Hi Sir James, thanks for looking at this interview – I have to start at the beginning.

How did your kink journey start for you?

Well Stephen, for me I don’t know exactly what was my first kinky thought, or even that I consider myself kinky. I just love exploring sex and giving catharsis to those who also enjoy trying new sexual or intimate pleasures. If I had to pick a moment that kicked it all off I would say it was reading erotic literature as a teen, imagining what could be done with rope and handcuffs. Luckily for me the stories I read were quite inspired and included healthy consensual BDSM which lead me here.

You work at Fetish House in Melbourne (Australia). Melbourne is one of the few places around with several Kink and Fetish establishments – With Fetish House being on the Melbourne scene for a while now – what makes it different?

Fetish House has a ‘Learning First’ mentality, which I think comes through in the quality of our Service Providers. We have many years of experience to draw on, and many house slaves willing to be used as consenting teaching tools. That sort of atmosphere can only create excellence. I love knowing that if I want to improve my knowledge of needle play or extreme suspension I will be able to watch some masters at work, and if anyone wants to learn from my years of wrestling experience to improve their physical confidence and manhandling I will gladly take them under my wing.


Sir James preparing for an impact play scene
The Profile Photo of Sir James

Working at Fetish House – what goes into the preparation for a clients scene?

More often than not there is a short email exchange, to allow us to get a broad understanding of our clients desires and mentally prepare for what is to come. Often if a client wants ball busting, or extreme bondage there is a process of mental preparation where we have to find the right mind set to engage.

After that of course the rooms are cleaned and prepared, stocked with all the gear and more so there is no hesitation. Lastly comes an in person interview before the session, obviously we like to ensure everyone knows their safe words, the expected protocol, safety practices and hard limits and this talk is best done in person.

One of the things that you specialise in is couples coaching – in your experience what’s some of the common things that couples are most interested in when they come to you?

Often couples need to learn how to balance making a scene last so that a bottom can reach a heightened sexual, physical or mental arousal. This means the question couples really end up asking is “how do I take these few tools and sculpt a scene that lasts two hours but felt like ten minutes?” What I end up teaching them is how to build up anticipation, how to correctly bind someone so they can be in place for extended lengths of time, how to edge (delay orgasm), how to spank/paddle/cane for longer. Secretly that’s what every one wants to know.

As a fetish couples coach – what do people frequently get wrong when it comes to kink and fetish play, and how can they correct it?

Most Tops go to quickly for the end goal, they go too hard too early or they don’t tease enough. Inversely most Bottoms have preconceived ideas about what should happen, rather than enjoying themselves. Both of these can be fixed the same way which is to slow down, always taking an extra moment before speaking or acting. All BDSM practitioners either Tops or Bottoms should take their time and think twice before acting.

What’s your go to comfort food?

I personally love a good protein shake with berries at the end of the day. I engage very physically with my visitors and that coupled with my regular training can leave me very drained.

Fetish House is a place where you’ll sometimes work with other staff to create a session such as Cuckolding and Sissy Play Tag Team Scenes. For those that don’t know, what are these two styles of play and what do they mean to you?

These are very different sessions from my perspective. Cuckolding is more intimate, which makes it more thrilling for the client. That savage eye contact which a Mistress can make directed towards a cuckold as I’m entering her is what often will make their fantasy real. It’s important that when we as Bull and Mistress are talking to (or ignoring) the client it is with the express purpose of making sure they feel a certain way. For some it is happy that the Mistress is getting what she wants in the form of greater sexual pleasure, for others it’s the feeling of betrayal (in a controlled setting) which brings out a primal urge which can be very potent.

Sissy Play is more an emasculation. The taboo of being proven to be a lesser man, especially in front of a larger and stronger male, is a massive turn on for many men. Similar to how many clients enjoy being bound because it frees them, I feel ‘sissy boy’ play is similar because you can revel in being controlled by a personification of what you are leaving behind. This means when we talk or act around those clients it is more expressly about taking away pride and forcing them to do what they wont, or can’t, do by themselves.

These types of play often leave clients in a near hypnotic and hyper-sensual state, and the smiles I see on these types of people afterwards is wonderful.

Sir James Engaging with Kink and Rope Bondage
Sir James with Rope Bondage

What’s some of the elements of cuckolding that you enjoy?

Well obviously I enjoy being able to use my strength and power to bring pleasure to people. I enjoy being a person who you do not need to pretend or roleplay with, since often (at a clients request before a session) I will wrestle them into a submissive position and then bind them with rope or chains. This aspect of using my gifts of strength and size to make people feel even more engaged in their fantasy makes me feel very satisfied as a service provider.

On top of this I love seeing people happy. Being involved as a fetish provider is not about your own specific Fetish desires, but instead you have to be able to enjoy seeing others happy enjoying their specific taboo. Luckily for me that is my pleasure, and getting happy emails after every session talking about how much they love what I did to them just makes it all worthwhile.

What’s the most difficult thing when it comes to doing cuckholding scenes?

Watching everything is the hardest part. When you are a Dominant or a Top you must always be keenly aware of the entire room. The safety and the mental state of your bottom is your responsibility and obviously if you are engaged in sex with another provider you must keep yourself pleasuring them and keeping your bottom under observation. Luckily this is no problem for me with my experience, but for those at home I suggest always making sure you are cognisant of everything, which becomes easier over time.

For those interested in exploring cuckoldry – what are three tips they need to know?

1:Go slow, there is always time for going further in the future, and it never hurts to have more places to explore. This applies to all BDSM; from the size of your new buttplug to the difficulty of the rope binds you are using.

2:Talk about expectations and limits before and after. Unless your kink is being cruel and your partner is ok with that, then you should know what your partner finds arousing and what your mutual goals are. Do they want to watch? do they want to listen? do they want to be involved? If you don’t know you are missing out on opportunities.

3: Be safe. Always use protection, find a neutral place to play like a hotel, use fake names. Things rarely go wrong but it does not hurt to be safe, and it can make it more fun and exciting.

Sir James at Scarlet Blue

What’s the best bit about the work that you do that you just couldn’t give up?

The people and their reactions. I am the luckiest guy in the world because people who come to me want something, and I can give them exactly what they want. That is rare, and the grateful nature people have after we are done is perfect.

That said, I can’t lie, when people come to see me I tell them what I expect them to wear and how I expect them to act. This expectation means they put on a show for you. Seeing people in their best make up and clothes, then getting the strip them down and see them naked and aroused as they wait for your touch is the best feeling in the world.


Thanks Sir James, i’d like to thank you so much for your time and patience in helping us navigate through this.


Stephen is a cis-gendered gay male who spends far too much time with his two cats and eating tim tams. A self-identified sex-positive advocate he cares deeply about gender equality, disabilities, sexual education and social issues. Opinionated and bold he isn’t afraid to speak his mind and say what others won’t. With a yearning for knowledge and experience in all things relating to sex, he is a prolific writer that has developed the content for a myriad of informative Sexual Health and Wellness websites.

Stephen’s articles and writings tends to focus on social issues, sexual education, queer issues and all things fetish and absurd. He comes qualified with the completion of a double Bachelor degree in Social Sciences and literature, and a Masters in Education.

10 Quick Tips To Better Sex!

It doesn’t matter if you’re dating a young beautiful woman, a ruggedly handsome guy, or someone experienced from the cougar dating scene, sex is an essential part of every relationship. A lot of people these days are trying to diminish the importance of sex by saying that love and respect are the backbone of every relationship. This is true, of course, but good sex is something that creates a special bond between the two lovers. Now, since we’ve established the importance of a good sex life, it’s time for us to list the 10 quick and simple tips that will make your experience in the bedroom much better.

Exercise More

At first glance, this might seem completely unrelated to sex, but it can actually help you with your performance in the bedroom. Exercising regularly will help you feel healthy and confident, which will definitely improve your sex life.

Feel Free to Talk About Sex with Your Partner

Sadly, a lot of couples have a problem when it comes to talking about sex. They’re simply too shy to share their fantasies and desires, and that can ruin the sexual chemistry. Therefore, make sure you talk about your fantasies with your partner.

Be Spontaneous

Most people plan their sexual encounters, which eliminates the element of surprise. That’s how people get stuck in the rut. To avoid that and keep the flame alive, you need to be spontaneous with your partner.

Don’t Skip the Foreplay

This is probably the most important part of every sexual intercourse and yet so many people (mostly men), tend to skip it. And they wonder why their partner can’t have an orgasm! For sex to be good, passionate, and satisfying, you must never skip foreplay. This part of sex allows both you and your partner to relax and get in the right mood, which is essential for a good roll in the hay.

Use Your Hands

Most people think that sex is only about joining your private parts together, but love-making is so much more than a mere penetration. Therefore, if you genuinely want to have a better and more fulfilling sex life, you need to use your hands and fingers during intercourse. Touch your partner the way they’ve never been touched before and ask them to do the same to you.

Masturbate in Front of Each Other

This might be quite a challenge at first, especially for people who are shy, but if you want to get to know your partner and their body, you have to do this. Masturbation is a very private thing, so if you’re able to do it in the presence of your partner, it means that you can be completely relaxed in front of them. Only then will you be able to enjoy a passionate and satisfying sex with your significant other.

Show Your Partner How Much You Want Them

Even though it’s perfectly fine to be selfish during sex, you should also find a way to show your partner how much you want them. They need to know that you find them attractive. So, make sure they see the desire and lust in your eyes when you’re having sex. It will make them feel special and they’ll do anything to please you.

Use Sex Toys

Most couples shy away from sex toys because they think that using them means that their sex life is in a crisis. This, of course, doesn’t have to be the case. In fact, using certain toys like ball gags, bondage ropes, and blindfolds can help you preserve a passionate and interesting sex life.

Drink One Glass of Wine Before Sex

As you know, alcohol can help you relax if you’re feeling nervous or awkward before sex. That’s why you should always have a bottle of your favorite wine prepared. However, drinking too much wine or any other alcoholic beverage can ruin your sex drive. Therefore, make sure to drink just one glass of wine before sex. This will help you relax, but you’ll still be able to perform on the desired level.

Communicating Sexually

Communicate During Sex

A lot of people tend to keep their eyes closed and mouths shut during sex. They refrain from expressing their feelings and desires, but that’s not good. Your partner needs to know whether or not they’re doing the right thing. They have to hear your feedback, so make sure you communicate with your lover during sex. Also, ask them to do the same. This is undoubtedly one of the best ways to make your sex life better.

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

The Cheating Chronicles: How to get away with cheating!!!

Recently, I heard a story of a woman who was cheating on her significant other with another man and had successfully been doing so for at least two years. It got me thinking about cheating; the reasons why and why people don’t leave if they are so unhappy that they feel the need to stray. More so, how people manage to get away with it for so long. I have cheated on a partner and being cheated on, both are not pleasant nor am I proud of these statements.

What it’s like to be cheated on?

It’s like nothing you’ve ever felt, and I mean nothing crushes one’s heart like finding out that your partner has been getting it on with someone else. What’s more devastating, is when the cheating is long term and there is emotional investment in the affair. The kind of pain this causes creates a deep internal wound that knocks the wind out of you. You can’t breathe or think without everything aching, you’ll cry deep sobs and you can almost feel your heart being torn out of your chest. Yeah, it’s awful to be cheated on.

What’s it like to cheat on someone?

While being cheated on hurts, I personally think it’s worse being the cheater. While the ongoing guilt does not cause a great deal of pain initially, long term you question your morals, values and whether you’re a good person or not. Some people are better at living a lie, some people like the excitement and the risk. I cheated on my girlfriend of 4 years, twice and I felt awful afterwards, I cried for hours. The second incident was with a man and when we slept together, I knew the relationship was really over for me. I broke up with her less than 12 hours later but I never told her that I had cheated, I thought it would just release my guilt and hurt her more in the long run.

So why do people cheat?

People cheat for various reasons: men are more likely to cheat; certain personality types are more inclined to cheating too. People who have jobs with high physical contact jobs are more inclined to stray as well. People who highlight that either physical aspects or emotional aspects have faded from their relationships often cheat despite report being happy in their relationships. The most dangerous kind of cheaters are the people who are merely bored, people who just want their cake and to eat it too.

How to cheat

While at no point is this article to condone cheating, I’ve spent some time with self-confessed cheaters and even if after reading this you still want wanting to cheat or, if you’re like me and cheat and just can’t bear the thought of hurting your partner then I’ve compiled a list of cheaters tips to save you from getting caught.

Rule one: the phone

Firstly, if you don’t have a lock on your phone… you deserve to be caught. Your phone should be on you at all times, never let it go, not even for a second. Things to consider for the advanced cheater are getting a burner phone and dummy accounts and email accounts to talk to your side piece. Don’t get sentimental on me, you must delete everything. Leave absolutely no trace of your shady behaviour and make sure you log out of these dummy accounts. When clearing your history make sure you’re not clearing everything just the things you’re not supposed to be looking at. No one in the world clears their history every time they get off the computer. If you’re on your phone, make sure you activate the private browser mode which is perfect for those who are cheating. This is another golden rule but change your side pieces name in your phone but make sure it’s not mum. Your partner is going to be really concerned if your “mum” is sending you messages about sucking your cock. Finally, don’t be silly and keep photos of videos of you and your other person. Delete the fucking evidence, pun intended.

Rule two: Choosing the other

If you’re looking at one-night stands, always go for the stranger, the random. If you’re looking for a side piece avoid picking a co-worker, neighbour, friend or someone closely intertwined with your community. These measures are in place to minimise the risk of someone else finding out or the other person letting the cat out of the bag, so to speak. You should also go in with an expiration date on your fling, if you were going to do it forever you should just leave your partner. The longer you’re cheating with the other person the more likely pesky feelings will creep in.

Rule three: keeping up appearances

You’ll want to buy single condoms for your encounters with your other/s. If you’re using condoms with your significant other they will surely notice if condoms go missing, particularly if you’re not having sex with them very often. If you’re not using birth control with your significant other, finding condoms will surely wave some red flags. You’ll want to be fresh when seeing your significant other after seeing your other/s, but not too fresh. Freshly showered, minty breath will alarm your partner that you’re covering your tracks. Also, people who live with their significant other and share bank accounts… ALWAYS use cash when with your other to avoid leaving a paper trail, that includes using cabs over Uber. If you’re partner can see your digital transactions, you have already been caught my friend. If anyone does know about your affair make sure it’s someone you trust, keep the circle that knows small as possible and make sure they are the person that will go to the grave with your secret.

Rule four: keep your significant other in the dark

You should always have a back up story, always. Pick a lie and stick with it. However, do not complicate the lie and drip feed only offering information when questioned. Gaslight your partner if need be, flip it on them to protect your lie and yourself. While this piece of advice might sound awful you are reading an article on how to avoid getting caught cheating, if you wanted to be nice you wouldn’t be cheating. You should know your partners schedule back to front to avoid getting caught or an unexpected visit from your partner while you’re with your side piece.

Cheating Guide

Rule five: managing your partner’s fears

You should be comfortable enough to confront your partner when they are becoming suspicious, you should never get mad at them for voicing their concerns in this dialogue. Getting angry will make you look guiltier and your anger will increase your chances of getting into an argument. Simply act surprised or bewildered by the suspicions, as though it never would have occurred to you that you were acting in a questionable way. You should talk though their suspicious, apologise for making them feel insecure, make note of these as you’ll need to fix these if you intend to keep cheating. Promise your partner that you will work on fixing the relationship and assure them you’re happy and don’t intend to leave. However, consider that you’re obviously very close to the end and perhaps it’s best to end your affair before your partner finds out. You’ve had a good run, but nothing lasts forever including your affair.

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.