Sex After Pregnancy!

Post Pregnant Sex
Well, I have recently returned to work after giving birth to my third baby, I wrote an article about sex and pregnancy on this site a while back, before I gave birth about having sex during pregnancy,  so. I thought I would do a follow up on sex ‘ after’ having a baby. Now I know some of you boys out there might want to switch off, put your fingers in your ears and sing “la la la” really loudly!  Some of you girls may even want to switch off now! It isn’t something that gets talked about often. I can honestly say in all the baby groups and library sing-song  sessions I attended over the last 10 months, not one lady has come up to me and said

” hey how”s ya vagina?”

So sit back, get comfortable, and get the popcorn out!….
The truth is after expelling the equivalent of a watermelon out of my privates…Even I couldn’t bring myself to touch or look at my vagina, let alone let anyone else near it! It felt like a god damn crime scene!  Joking aside though, Most nurses advise at least 4 – 6 weeks before you have any kind of sex, it actually isn’t safe, so I think the thoughts and feelings I had was just my body telling me to hold off….and maybe spend a bit of time bonding with baby, which obviously is amazing.
Then the next set of untalked about thoughts and feelings kicks in. What if I don’t ever ever feel like sex again? Well, that is a normal and natural thought too. Libido is scientifically lowered and as well as being completely emotionally overwhelmed, you are really bloody exhausted! The lower levels of estrogen you now have cause vaginal dryness, on top of that, breastfeeding can cause dryness as well.
Boy oh boy, that was depressing! The good news is that we are made to make babies! it is what sex is for. Thankfully there is now contraception to make sure the whole baby thing only happens when you are ready for it, and we can have recreational fun! I can tell you though, I had anxious feelings about my sex life post-pregnancy all 3 times and every time I have been amazed by how the body and mind heal. I would like to be able to say I still have the vagina of a 16-year-old…I maybe should have asked the doctor to pop a cheeky couple of extra stitches in for hubby! For me, thankfully it is all well that ends well.
It can be emotionally and physically  consuming and may require some proactive measures, Go down to your local Ohzone store for some decent Lube, Superslyde is great and maybe for Mum, a new toy to play with, just to get yourselves back into the mood without having pressure from each other… and  most importantly  some Kegels to strengthen the muscles down there! There are plenty of articles on Kegels and the benefits of using them on the Adultsmart Blog. I can’t stress the importance of these, especially as you have more pregnancies and get older. When you piss every time you sneeze, it t sure isn’t sexy!  Kegels should be mandatorily prescribed pre and post pregnancy.
Sex After Birth
Baby Jealousy
The other thing that can be challenging, is your partner’s jealousy over the bond you have with the new baby. Try to find time for each other, even if it is just a kiss and a cuddle. A baby can make a couple more intimate but sometimes it does the exact opposite, so, on a daily basis both parties need to make a bit of an extra effort in thinking about each other’s feelings.
Just when you thought it was all dry vaginas and bad moods, there are the leaking breasts! Now there are a whole lot of men out there paying good money to watch lactating women. I know that for a fact, but it can be a bit strange for a couple to associate where the baby feeds from to something sexual. It becomes less of an erogenous zone for a woman, but at the same time, they can squirt if intimately touched. My advice about that one is if it isn’t your “thing”  to have a good laugh about it.
So whilst I was convinced I would never be able to have enjoyable sex again, I can vouch for the fact that it happens. Slowly but surely the mind and body work in ways that can be beyond our control, although we can certainly help the process with some decent advice and products.
About the Author: Emily is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Sex Toy Stores

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

Being A REAL Red-Head – Ginger Baby!

Red Pubes

The things people say and do when you have red hair!

I spent many years of my life changing my hair colour often weekly, much to the horror of my hairdresser. As a self-confessed commitmentphobe, I never allowed myself the chance to really love a colour before moving onto the next colour on the chart, I’ve literally have been every colour possible. However, I have had vibrant red hair for about 4 years now, I will agree this colour choice is not for the faint of heart.

Vibrant red hair will inevitably attract the crazies,

the questions and unfortunately a horde of creeps. There are plenty fallacies surrounding redheads and trust me strangers are happy to discuss them with you given the chance.

People will ask you if the carpets match the drapes, seriously. You’re out enjoying a bevvy with your friends, minding your own business and next thing you know some dude is in your face asking about the shade of your pubes – something that never happened to me as any other colour. Which leads me to my next point: ‘What carpet’ is not a good response – ever! Seriously, trust me, ever.

You will be touched and as a person who does not liked to be touched this bothers me highly.

Dude at bar: “Can I touch it?”

Me: “No.”

Me: “Dude, no… and you’re touching me anyway.”

The touching is followed by several stupid questions: Is it real? What? My hair? Yes. The colour? No. Can you touch it? No. Can you call me Red? No. (Despite your response, your new nickname is forever Red) Oh, you always wanted to fuck a redhead? That’s nice. Please go away.

At this point you’re annoyed and people will just assume you’re feisty and fiery, even if you’re not. And if you are feisty, people will assume it’s your hair making you feisty. Yes, the dye magically seeps into my skull and makes me perpetually angry, it’s not your bullshit questions.

People assume you’re a freak in bed and will ask about your sexuality, I might be a freak in the sheets, I might be a dud root… You’ll never know.   Dude, walk the fuck away.

Red Hair Sex
Red Sexual Desire

Did you know that in medieval times red hair was associated with moral degradation and intense sexual desire?

If you see a natural redhead out and about, just know they now automatically hate you, particularly if you’re at bar fending off creeps. You see because natural redheads are seeing you getting positive attention from men for a hair colour they’ve had since birth and were mocked for relentlessly throughout puberty so natural redheads everywhere now hate you – don’t even bother trying.

                Being a fake redhead you will also never be mocked like a natural redhead, names like ‘ginger’ and ‘ranga’ never will be bestowed upon you, you also get to keep your soul, winning!

The Red hair accompanied with my blue eyes is like the rarest combination in the world – I am a walking anomaly, which every dude wants to get on top of apparently. #WERK!

People will compare you to Ariel from the little mermaid. Yep, and I am totally okay with this. You can touch my hair. What carpet? Didn’t you just say you wanted to fuck a redhead? God, I am such a Merslut.

So basically, to sum up, if you chose to come to the red side. Prepare to be touched a lot, be prepared for lots of people to tell you they’ve always wanted to fuck a redhead – seriously, I was not prepared for this. It’s a lot of people.

So if you’re thinking of being a red head – do it, be the object of everyone’s desire!

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

Maid To Order

Slave to Bondage

My willingness to serve

 

Throughout my life I have always had a willingness to serve, the word no is not an easy word to say for me. I have always enjoyed creating a meal for my partner, small tasks like making the bed, cleaning, washing clothes and other domestic duties. I have a sense of feeling proud afterwards and showing my partner that I have made our house a “home”, which is cringe worthy for most feminists. I have never understood why these tasks give me such a feeling of achievement in my relationships.

 

For the most part it has been taken advantage of, as with most people, in most situations someone who says yes, all the time becomes an “easy” person to deal with or someone who most will call upon in times of need as they always know they will say yes.

 

A people pleasure, a slave, a yes person, but today I learnt that in the BDSM world this set of attributes is a fetish; servitude- This is a service orientated submissive.  It is a relationship within the BDSM lifestyle where the passive partner is both physically and emotionally “in service” to the dominate partner. It’s not all about sex though, these relationships might not even involve sex and romance but focus on pleasing their dominant in any way they wish to be served.

Sexy Bondage Maid
BDSM Maid

Several couples add this type of play or practice into their everyday lifestyles, examples of ways such as; housework wearing a particular outfit or in nothing at all, fetching drinks, meal planning or cooking of meals, personal assistance. Very often outfits such as nurse and maid, are worn to bring a more realistic sense of the service orientated submission.

Think more personal assistant instead of slave.

 

This is a part of the BDSM world that I can resinate with, which has surprised me. Not many things shock me anymore, I have come to appreciate and accept the different ways in which people will express their passions and desires.

 

My desire for service and pleasing my partner has become something that I have always thought was just the way in which I loved and showed love. It is something that unless it is understood can be very dangerous and damaging to a person, for someone to fully understand they need to respect and without respect a person will feel as though they are a slave and not understand why they are constantly taken advantage of. My pervious partners have all seen these particular attributes as a weakness in my personality, constantly they would ask me to do things I may not be comfortable with doing, knowing full well I won’t say no to their request, and if I was to say no it wouldn’t be hard to change my decision.

 

As someone who isn’t involved into the life of BDSM and only dabbles into certain areas, learning that the world is more about respect and appreciation rather than dominance over another person makes it a little less scary and a lot easier to understand.

 

To the outside world BDSM is full on, and to some the deeper you get the more that is involved but to those on the outside even the art of cuffing can be scary. The biggest misconception that I see from working in this industry is that an uneducated person believes that because it is depicted a certain way it must be ok. Truth is to serve someone or to allow someone to tie you up can be the most frightening thing, to some it can be amusing, and to others it can be a way in which they express their sexual desires.

 

Servicing your partner should always be done in a way that does not hinder your confidence or respect in yourself, to allow someone to be dominate over you is a huge power play and you and your partner need to understand the boundaries and respect those boundaries. You must first be dominate with yourself, and after that having the ability to selflessly serve your partner with the only satisfaction being how happy you have made your partner and the feeling of being useful in a task done well, is enough to give you happiness.

 

Exploring this way of life in a new light is exciting and makes me feel more Intune with my body and the way in which I express myself. I feel as though I can understand the reasons why I do things the way I do and why I feel happiness after doing something my partner has asked, even more so when I do something in which my partner enjoys and is proud of without him asking. To have someone who respects you is the biggest achievement in life especially if your someone who struggles with trust. Being able to express yourself fully and without the fear of being hurt or taken advantage of is a right every person should have, we need to respect each other more and take more time to show respect for ourselves as well.

 

Morgan x

Adultsmart welcomes Guest Bloggers to submit 800 word articles with original content about topics relating to sexual lifestyle, health and wellness. If you would like to participate, send an email to rick.xsales@gmail.com with your ideas or an article that you wish to submit. If you publish multiple articles on Adultsmart’s Blog you will become an Adultsmart Expert.

VIP Interview Kate Sloan – Renowned Blogger GirlyJuice!

Kate Sloan is a successful writer, podcaster, journalist and speaker in the adult industry. In 2012 she started her own sex-positive blog, building a large readership interested in adult lifestyle and education content.  Making no secret of living with bipolar II and social anxiety disorders, she is more than qualified to write on topics on the challenges and triumphs of relationships and sex. Her blog is top-ranking in many sex blogging lists, including #4 on Kinkly.com and #3 on Molly’s Daily Kiss, and she has a multitude of accolades bestowed upon her by reputed and respected media, organizations and individuals.

Girly Juice
Kate Sloan

Hi Kate, a warm welcome to the Adultsmart community lifestyle blog. I appreciate you taking the time to partake in this interview as I know that it is valuable and limited. Let’s start at the beginning! How does a self-described ‘nerd’ end up starting a sex toy review blog of her own?

Hi, thanks for having me! When I graduated from high school at age 18, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life yet, so I took a year off of school to consider my options. During that time, I applied for a job at a local sex shop – and, while I didn’t get the job, during the application process I did some research online to make sure my sex toy knowledge was up-to-date. I discovered sex toy review blogs like Hey Epiphora and Dangerous Lilly, and knew immediately – being a lifelong sex nerd and a born writer – that this was something I could do, too!

READ THE ADULTSMART INTERVIEW WITH DANGEROUS LILLY

With the encouragement of my boyfriend at the time, I started Girly Juice. That was more than six years ago now and it’s still going strong! Additionally, those first few months of sex blogging emboldened me to apply to journalism schools; I got into all the ones I applied to and ended up getting my bachelor’s degree at the illustrious Ryerson School of Journalism here in Toronto. So, in a way, I owe my entire career to that one impulsive decision I made when I was 18.

That’s pretty daring for an 18-year-old Toronto-based bisexual woman. Since then your blog has evolved into lifestyle writing. Was it difficult to make that transition and expose much more about you and your personal self?

At first, yes, it was really scary! For years, I just called myself “Girly Juice” online, and never showed my face or any other identifying features. I was terrified that linking my real-life identity with my sex-blogger alter-ego would jeopardize my future employment options. After all, what conservative public relations firm or well-to-do magazine would want to hire a girl who’d spent years detailing her sexcapades for thousands of readers?!

But the deeper I waded into the sex-writer life, the more I realized it was my life. Writing about sex is what I do best and I think it is what I was put here to do. So I decided to “come out” as my real self – name, face, and all – and start writing fewer sex toy reviews and more deep-dives into personal topics like my relationships, my journey into kink, and my sexual and romantic philosophies. I acknowledge that not every sex writer is willing or able to be so public about who they are, but I’m much happier now that I’ve pulled back the curtain.

What were the obstacles that you faced starting off your blog?

When I started Girly Juice, I was in a long-term, vanilla, monogamous relationship. I was very much in love, and hadn’t yet figured out that I’m kinky and non-monogamous, so those qualities of my relationship didn’t bother me – but they did make me feel like maybe my contributions to the discourse about sexuality would be pretty limited in scope. I’d only had sex with two people in my entire life; what could I possibly have to say about sex that hadn’t already been said?

What I learned is that your experiences might be common but your perspective and your voice are not. You don’t have to have a wild, off-the-wall sex life to write about sex in a way that is thoughtful and compelling. I will add, however, that I do think my writing has gotten deeper and more interesting as I’ve amassed more sexual experience, had my heart broken a few times, and discovered my kinks.

In life there are always highs and lows.  With your blog,

  1. What most do you regret?
  2. What is the highlight?

 

I regret all the time I spent trying to mimic other sex writers’ style. Artists of all sorts often learn through imitation, and I’m sure this process was ultimately helpful for me, but I cringe when I look back at it sometimes! I admire lots of other sex writers whose work is flowery and erotic, or snarky and biting, or precise and academic, but none of those styles are exactly “me.” One of my favorite writers, Alexandra Franzen, says you don’t “find your voice” as a writer, you create it – and I wish I had created mine a little sooner!

The highlight of doing this work, so far, has definitely been the reactions I’ve gotten from readers. So many people have written to me to say that my work helped them figure out some aspect of their sexual identity – their kinks, their relationship style, even their genitals’ preferences – and it fills my heart with sparkly joy every time I hear this. I’ve always essentially endeavored to write the type of blog I wish 15-year-old me had had access to, so she could’ve learned about sex and kink and dating in a way that felt fun instead of scary, and when people tell me my blog has changed their sex life, I feel like I’ve achieved that goal.

If you could do anything differently when starting out, what would that be?

Aside from embracing my authentic style and voice earlier, I wish I had been more willing to branch out in subject matter sooner. I thought my readers were only interested in sex toy reviews and erotica, so I shied away from doing the quirkier or more expansive stuff I really wanted to do: writing about the awkward side of sex, for example, or anxiety and insecurity, or gender inequality as it pertains to sex.

Once you’ve developed a readership, I think you can and should trust that your readers are interested in your perspective, not just in the topics you tend to write about. Your true fans will follow you where you’re going, so you may as well go where your gut pulls you.

How would you best describe the way you review sex toys?

For years, I wrote sex toy reviews that were fairly technical and dry: I outlined toys’ key features, listed their dimensions, and maybe included a paragraph or two about how they actually felt. After a while, though, I realized that this wasn’t the type of review I most liked to read, so maybe I should take a different approach in my review-writing.

Nowadays, when I write toy reviews, I focus almost exclusively on my experience of the toy. Technical specs are easy to find on any product page – but what’s harder to sleuth out on Google is how real people actually felt when they used a particular toy. So that’s what I highlight in my reviews. For example, my recent review of the Neon Wand is mostly about the kinky headspace that it and other pain-inducing toys help me access – and I recently collaborated with my boyfriend on a post about cocktail pairings for sex toys, which moreso emphasizes the way the toys make me feel than the bland details you’ll find listed on their packaging.

Blogging is one thing – and pretty time-consuming.  But you did not stop there!  You guest and host radio shows, podcasts, workshops and writing for other media as a journalist/essayist.  How do you fit it all in?

Luckily for me, I work from home, so I basically get to arrange my schedule however I like. I get up at 8AM every weekday and do some work for my part-time dayjob at an adult-industry marketing firm. Sometime in the mid-morning, I usually head out to a local café to finish up more of that work, draft a blog post, write an article for a copywriting client, and/or edit a podcast episode. Caffeine certainly helps keep me on track and is a vital part of my creative process!

My brain tends to move a little slower in the afternoon, so that’s when I’ll typically switch to less creative and more methodical tasks, like answering emails from advertisers, taking photos for posts, or scheduling tweets.

I rarely relax on weekends, which is one not-so-glamorous explanation for how I stay so productive. If I don’t have social plans on a weekend evening, you’ll usually find me holed up in my bedroom with a beer and my laptop, pouring out my feelings into a blog post draft or sending out pitches for wacky essays I want to write.

What of the many hats you wear do you most enjoy and why?

My best friend Bex and I started our podcast, The Dildorks, almost two years ago, and it remains one of my favorite projects to work on. I get to giggle with my best friend over Skype every week, and then I get to edit our conversation into a hopefully-helpful, hour-long piece of programming. Our fans are so sweet, especially those who travel to events to see us do live shows. Plus our theme song is catchy as hell! (You can find The Dildorks on iTunes or whatever other podcast platform you use, FYI!)

Do you get a buzz out of teaching workshops?  What do you hope attendees will gain from them?

Teaching is so exciting! As someone who does most of my educational work via writing, it’s always a delightful challenge to step out from behind the laptop and impart information in a real-world setting.

My favorite workshop to teach is one I developed last year called Vagic Tricks: Hidden Hotspots of the Vulva and Vagina. It focuses on little-known vulvovaginal erogenous zones, including the A-spot (anterior fornix), external G-spot, clitoral shaft, and more. I love teaching this one because many people have genuinely never heard of these spots, so I feel like I am shifting their sex lives in big ways. The first time I taught this class, the crowd was mostly cisgender men, presumably attending so they could learn how to please their partner(s) better, and it made me so happy to potentially be teaching them something useful that they hadn’t heard before.

On a personal note, it took me many years of experimentation to figure out how to get myself off most efficiently, because these little-known spots are of great importance in my particular genital configuration. So it thrills me to think that someone might learn about the A-spot or indirect clitoral stimulation from my writing or teaching, and thereby be able to learn the easy way what I had to learn the hard way.

Sex Education
Overcoming Sexual Anxiety

Running a blog is a time-consuming exercise.  How do you find the time to fit everything in?

One of the best blogging tips I ever learned was from the ladies at the Blogcademy, who recommend “batch-processing” tasks. This means that you group similar tasks together: write a few blog posts at once, or take the photos for your entire week of blog content all in one afternoon, or spend a couple hours answering all your emails instead of just replying to them as they come in. It’s a simple tip, but it helps me a lot, because switching tasks takes up time and mental energy.

My other secret weapon is the Editorial Calendar plug-in for WordPress, which gives you an at-a-glance overview of which blog posts you’ve got scheduled for the next few weeks. I publish 2-3 blog posts a week, so I have to stay on top of what’s coming next, and this plug-in makes it easy. I can drag-and-drop my posts around as needed, plan my editorial lineup weeks or months ahead, and make sure any time-sensitive posts are scheduled for when they need to go live. It’s brilliant!

Have you any advice for somebody wanting to start their own adult blog?

Before you start, make a list of at least 50 different ideas for blog posts. If you can’t come up with that many, this might not be a sustainable endeavor for you. (I’m 700+ posts in and still have new ideas constantly, but I’m a huge nerd about this stuff.)

Make sure you really, really like your blog name before you decide on it officially. (I’ve come around to liking, or at least accepting, Girly Juice, but there have definitely been times when I’ve regretted choosing it!) Oh, and check to make sure the social media handle you want is available on every platform you’ll be using.

Talk to a lot of people about sex. Friends, family, partners, your Twitter followers, whoever is willing to chat with you about sexual issues. Make friends with other sex bloggers and talk to them, too. You’ll learn a lot and come up with lots of ideas from these conversations, even (and perhaps especially) when you and the other person have wildly different perspectives on the topic at hand.

Trust that your view on sexuality is important and valuable. You don’t need to copy other people’s opinions or approaches; the things you have to say are valid all on their own. That said, stay informed: read other sex blogs, read the news, read critical theory and legendary writers in the field. They’ll bolster you when you agree with them and inspire you when you disagree with them.

Pay attention to what people ask you all the time, and what people search for on your site (a tool like Google Analytics or Statcounter can show you this data). These queries can guide your writing, by showing you what interests people most and which topics you haven’t yet addressed in enough detail.

Chase after what authentically fascinates you, even if it’s kind of weird. Some of my most popular posts of all time, for example, are about blowjob-friendly lipsticks, the external G-spot, and keeping a sex spreadsheet – all somewhat bizarre topics I had never or rarely seen addressed anywhere else, and wanted to write about because I found them interesting. Your weirdness is what sets you apart, so follow it wherever it takes you!

What do you feel is your greatest achievement?

While steadily writing a sex blog for over six years is no small thing, I always feel overcome with pride when I get a chance to write for other publications I respect. For example, I’ve dreamed of writing for Cosmopolitan since I was a wee little sex nerd, so I was thrilled this year when I got to write an essay for them about blowjobs, mindfulness, and pleasure. The prestigious Canadian magazine The Walrus also asked me to contribute an essay about “the future of sex” this year, so I got to wax poetic about how the eventual ubiquity of sex robots will transform our sexual culture. Interesting stuff!

How do you want your many followers to view/see you?

I hope they think of me like a cool, knowledgeable older sister whispering sex secrets into their ear in a way that feels fun and accessible. We all need a sister like that, methinks.

I also hope they come away from my writing feeling uplifted and invigorated. There’s a lot of awful stuff happening in the world right now (and always), and indeed a lot of aspects of sex itself can be discouraging or even traumatizing, so I try to provide a more lighthearted perspective on sexuality. If you leave my blog feeling reminded that sex is, at its best, goofy, fun, and connective, then I’ve done my job, as far as I’m concerned.

What will you be doing in 10 years’ time?

It’s my hope that I’ll have written and published a book or two by then, and that I’ll have expanded my sex-positive “media empire” even more. Think Dan Savage, only less problematic…!

On a more global scale, I hope we’ll have taken even more steps toward eliminating sexual shame and stigma by then. Writing about sex toys, blowjobs, and spanking can shift things in small ways for individual people, and I hope that my work contributes to the large-scale attitudinal shifts we need as a society on the topics of sex, gender, and relationships.

Rick is the owner of the Adultsmart, an online sex toy shop that stocks over 13,000 products. He has been involved in the adult lifestyle industry for more than 25 years. Rick is an active sex blogger who provides a wealth of information and experience. He is an advocate of equality for gender and sexuality.

When It’s So Broke You Can’t Fix It

Broken hearted

That toxic kinda love, you know the one. Yes, that one where you have a regular ritual based on tit for tat, where yelling is your second language and cussing is your foreplay. That toxic kinda love that is met with paranoia over cheating and continuous accusations. That love that consumes you to the point where the intensity of how you feel for each other is only matched with your underlying resentment and disdain for all the shit you’ve put one another through and no matter how much you feel drained you can’t put it down even if it is slowly killing you.

You lose a part of you and what you always encompassed.

That glow in your eyes is fading and that part of sassiness you were once known for is slowly being extracted from you.

All the rules of independence you religiously followed no longer apply.

Your spirit is beaten down from day to day battles, and so is his too.

Not good enough because you don’t meticulously play by his rules even though you try,

You love him but you hate him at the same damn time.

This type of relationship makes you question what really is love?

You may even be yearning for a deeper spiritual and sexual connection.

Why can’t you put down the pain and relinquish happiness in your life? Why do you settle for only part time compassion from the one who’s meant to love you the most.

You use to be so head strong, so full of gusto and now you’re a mere shell of the former you!

You panic when you haven’t followed a time frame with full accuracy, you begin to feel guilty for things you haven’t done and worry whether there will be fall back from the things you have done irregardless how big or small they are.

Your health is up and down, blood pressure dangerously low and you sometimes struggle to breath. Your soul is riddled with sadness and you begin to wonder if you’re ever going to be able to find the old you again.

Broken relationships
Image: I hate you

THE WHY?

So why do we do it?

Why do we open our hearts to the idea of being madly in love with someone who treats us like dirt rather than gold?

Why do we start off like a miraculous tale one of those stories you would read out of a romantic novel and then it quickly transcends to a nightmare.

I guess to get to the core of this question you have to look at you and your significant other in a very analytical, almost microscopic way. After all it takes two to tango right. You could throw many theories in the mix when trying to conclude just why so many of us are drawn to toxic love.

For some it is almost in their DNA to accept and even feed from other’s abusive tendencies. All it can take is growth in a family home where such behaviour is acceptable, condoned or even encouraged and then that inadvertently trickles down for future generations to adopt and reformulate. Not to say it always will be but the likelihood is pretty high.

Although studies have shown that those subjected to witnessing abuse throughout childhood are often at a much greater risk of succumbing to similar patterns through adulthood, it doesn’t mean that it is the only theory of possibility.

The need for the love of an abusive or co-abusive relationship can also stem from low self-worth and not holding yourself at a value high enough where you feel you deserve full respect.

Low self-esteem has a lot to be said for and can spiral destructive traits into overdrive.

Panic attack
Image: Panic attack quote

THE HOW.

To love and be loved in a toxic way is more than just yelling or screaming at one another constantly. It is a mental game built on panic, paranoia, determination to one up the one who supposedly matters the most. It is having a fight or flight type of view on life and letting it seep through the foundation of your relationship.

It is carrying the burden of the hurt and scar tissue you hold from your previous relationships and procuring it with your current. It is both mental and sometimes physical, however mental scars are never quick to fade. It is allowing your emotions and disdain residue to completely trump any euphoria that your partner may bring you. It’s a battle in your head and that battle is transferred between the both of you until one person is brave enough to say enough is enough.

Abusive relationship
Image: Name calling

WHEN YOU KNOW IT’S OVER.

You simply cannot bury pain forever, when it’s all said and done. You no longer have the sex or material treasures to compensate the hardships you both have endured at the hands of one another. It’s safe to say that time won’t heal and there’s no shame in loving and being burnt, but there is a lot to be said in staying in a loveless relationship.

See you may think that love is about sticking it out to the bloody end. But when it’s at a cost of your mental and emotional health time and time again then that is not love. Love is understanding, accepting, embracing and holding your partner to a value of equality to yourself, nothing more nothing less.

How we express that to our significant other falls in with who we are as an individual ultimately. One thing you can never forget is your self-worth because that is something that cannot be brought nor bartered, and when it’s all said and done that is who you are and will continue to be. Who knows? You may be writting a thank you letter to your ex sooner than later!

Love quote
Image: You didn’t love her

Channelle xo

Author: Channelle is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Jennifer works marketing at Adultsmart an online sex toy shop. She has a non-judgemental approach to sex, sex toys and sexuality. Her favorite saying is if it feels good and right and is not illegal then why not!