My Prize For Being A Disobedient Submissive

Submissive who follows and leads

I am not a good submissive, I am sometimes sassy and I giggle, I like to push the boundaries but in the end I do as I’m told. I grumble when you ask me to do things but I do them anyway, with always a hint of sass made in the way of a comment or eye gaze. But the punishment is so much sweeter an intoxicating rush runs through my body when you grab a hold of me, when you object to my behaviour I melt, the authority you have over me makes me feel aroused and secure. You’re not gentle when you smack me it makes me wet, it’s not the pain, it’s the authority and it’s the presence you make on me. Sometimes I want danger and unpredictability, sometimes I want to get out of my own head and do the wrong thing, sometimes I don’t want to be so planned and organised. There really is an art to negotiating dominance and power play fucking.

I want to feel like your princess but I also want to feel you in the dark and not know where you are going to touch next. To love to submit but not be submissive is confusing; to test boundaries and “play with fire” then do, as I’m told is a rush, I’m not naughty but I am naughty for just a moment, a fleeting moment of adrenaline.

Sometimes I look at you and I want to be all over you, I want to take control, I want to own and possess you. I want to render you powerless and I want you to submit to me. I want to be fluid and one with you, I want to be lost in the darkness with you, I want you to grab a hold of my hips and drive right into me, I want to lose my breath, I want all my senses to focus on every sound and every tingle.

I want to submit but it’s so hard to give over that power, maybe it’s an issue of trust; maybe I’m just not letting go. I feel the need to stay in control of myself, I feel it’s an important part of me, but I don’t know how to do that while still submitting myself to you, knowing with every objection and bit of sass punishment is on its way, in whatever form that is.

Maybe its fear as well, what If I don’t like what is happening? What if I feel hurt, what if it triggers something I don’t want it to trigger. I don’t have a dominant bone in my body but I like to be in control, or at least I feel like I’m in control of myself.

I crave that freedom; I crave the sense of being weightless in my mind. The feeling of submitting and being respected the feeling of dominance while being dominated the feeling that my every move is worshiped.

Sometimes I want you to own me, I want you to be in control and it makes me want to rip down your throat. I want to impale myself onto you, I want to feel every bit of you and you feel every bit of me.

A challenging submissive
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But in the end isn’t the submissive the dominate one? Isn’t it in the end the submissive the one who is actually in control allowing the acts to happen, and controlling the outcome?

The feeling of your hands holding my hips so tight, reminds me you own me, I am yours. I want you to not be gentle, I want you to ravage me; I want you to take me, because you deserve me. I want you to free me from my mental restraints.

I don’t want to be in control, I want you to fight me for that power, I want to feel the release of satisfaction.

The sexual power of submission, leading and following

One of the most powerful things you hold is your power to submit, most people have psychological blocks, but being powerful enough to release those and become submissive is something else. Being submissive is seen as a negative, the feeling of losing while being dominant is winning.

But being submissive is so much more it is virtuous and highly desirable.

It is like a dance with “leading” and “following”. Learning to follow is hard, and it is something that requires a lot of attention and focus. This is the same with sexual submission, being submissive is not star fishing on the bed; it is actively receiving and enjoying. We are wired with many primal switches that are triggered around being dominated. They are delicious and arousing when you are using your erotic brain. Submissiveness can bring with it a cocktail of emotions, these emotions range from being in pure awe and appreciation on the sweet side, to fear and humiliation.

It is an exchange of energies that spiral upwards in grander and more superior erotic turn-ons.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Although relatively young Morgan has lived a life filled with experiences that have made her grow as a person. She has completed and is a product and interior designer who is a strong believer in equality between sexes and speaks out against violence. Working in the adult industry has allowed her to grow as a person and come out of her emotional and sexual shell.

The A-Z Of A Cuckolding Lifestyle!

A cuckold lifestyle is not for everyone

Many men find the thought of their wife becoming an adulteress threatening of their relationship.  That it is a breach of their marriage vows allowing their HotWife to fulfill her sexual needs whilst often insisting that he not only remain faithful, but often also in chastity to be had only when she deems it fit.  Relinquishing one’s power both sexually and in lifestyle can be daunting and challenging.  However, those that live a cuckold lifestyle enjoy the relinquishing of the responsibility of satisfying an often insatiable woman.

Some cuckold lifestyles are extreme and will incorporate bondage, discipline, humiliation and sadism to varying degrees.  But domination is in all cuckold relationships, and the HotWife will control just how much and what will be allowed.  There is some specific terminology used in cuckolding society and here is a basic A-Z glossary for cuckolds.

Glossary and definitions for cuckolds

Adulteress

The HotWife that is in a relationship or married that has an affair or affairs with other men.

Bound

A cuckold is often bound in order to further his training.  When the HotWife begins to have affairs in front of her partner he is often bound so that he cannot participate in or stop the actions.

Cuckold

The husband or partner of an adulteress who is an object of derision and humiliation.

Dominate

The HotWife will dominate her partner or husband in all matters of sexuality that may spill over to everyday life as well.

Erotic Power Play

Used when first entering the cuckolding lifestyle and that power is given to the adulteress.

FemDom

A HotWife often not only dominates her partner sexually but may also incorporate domination in other facets of lifestyle.

Feminized cuckolding
Cuckold Feminzed

Feminized

During punishment and humiliation exercises a HotWife often feminizes her partner by making him take on female characteristics including clothing and make-up.

Genitorture

CBT and Chastity play are commonly used during cuckolding sessions.

HotWife

Is a woman in a relationship who is free to have sexual relationships with other men and women.

Internal Enslavement

When the cuckold is ordered by his HotWife to do something – like stand in a corner – without being bound  and will remain in that position until he is released of that command.

Junior Top

A HotWife during feminization training have the man she is having an affair with top the cuckold.

Keyholder

When incorporating male chastity in a cuckold relationship the adulteress becomes the keyholder.

Life-Styler

Is a person that totally becomes absorbed in the lifestyle of a particular fetish like cuckolding.

Mistress

The HotSpouse when incorporating bdsm and chastity play in a cuckold relationship becomes the mistress.

Negotiation

The cuckold must negotiate with his HotWife when or if he be allowed to participate in any sexual activities.  This will also apply to other everyday lifestyle actions.  Negotiations can take place at different intervals of the relationship.

Obedience

The cuckold must be obedient to his HotWife at all times.

Punishment

If the cuckold misbehaves, is disobedient or does not please the HotWife he will be punished.  Punishments should already have been determined in the negotiation.

Queening

The same as facesitting but may incorporate the use of a chair for the comfort of the HotSpouse.

Respect

The cuckold must have respect for his partner at all times.

Serving

A cuckold is there to serve his HotWife and please her.

Total Power Exchange

Where all decisions are made by the HotWife and there is no longer any negotiation.  The HotWife has turned into a full blown mistress.

Urethral Chastity

Often used by the HotWife to punish the cuckold by inserting a solid pee stopper  so that he cannot urinate.

Voice Training

The HotWife may train the cuckold to talk a certain way during feminization or at other times in a particular manner when serving her.

Workshop

A term used for newbies when they first try cuckolding until they become familiar and comfortable.

Zapper

An electronic prod often used by the HotSpouse when the cuckold has been misbehaving badly.

So there are a few simple terms that are often used in cuckolding society.

Andrew is right into the Fet Lifestyle and enjoys BDSM. He has written about these subjects in many arena’s and is an expert at Shibari. He shares his knowledge by working with Adultsmart a sex toy store. Enjoy the descriptive and educational articles he has written.

Unheard Of Ways BDSM Play Trumps Vanilla Sex

BDSM play

Between the love life of Bella and Edward in Twilight – to the craze that became Fifty Shades, there’s little doubt that bondage, fetish and kink are the new ‘in’ thing. BDSM mania has taken over the bedroom lives of countless couples across the globe with the breaking down of the walls that was once seen as taboo, dirty or naughty is slowly becoming normalised and with it comes the research on our sex lives.

What Studies On BDSM Have Suggested

The first Fifty Shades erotic novel burst onto the scene in 2011. Scientists, sociologists and sexologists across the world watched in fascination as the normally hidden doors of our sex lives burst open. Following this, a report in 2013 sought to further normalise BDSM by suggesting that practitioners of BDSM led healthier lives than their vanilla counterparts. How can this be? This is despite the fact that in 2013 the sexual preferences of BDSM practitioners were still listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. That’s right – the four ‘fetishes’ Bondage, Dominance/Discipline, Sadism and Masochism are considered on the spectrum of mental disorders. With that in mind – how can BDSM be concurrently defined as being healthier for relationships and categorised on the mental disorder spectrum – when it causes harm to the practitioner or to others? Fear not – the categorisation of BDSM on the spectrum has long been debated and continues to be debated to this day and hopefully, eventually, it will be removed from the list.

BDSM Whip
Image: BDSM Whipping

In the meantime however, if you’re paying attention to a study from 2015 written by Christian Joyal from the Université du Québec à Trois-Rivières – of the people interviewed a whopping 65% of women, and 55% of men had fantasies about being dominated. Further, 47% of women, and 60% of men had fantasies about sexual domination. This indicates that more than half the percentage of the population has interests in BDSM – specifically in the exchange of power. Arguably, an omnipresent theme within the Fifty Shades franchise.

An article in 2006 by the Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality made comparisons between vanilla individuals, and people that engage in BDSM practices. On average, practitioners and engagers of BDSM activities scored lower levels of depression, decreased anxiety and less post-traumatic stress disorders. Further, a Norwegian study concluded that practitioners of BDSM that had engaged in a play session/scene in the previous few weeks generally experienced a higher level of well-being and satisfaction most notably within their feelings of security, psychological health, and self-esteem. The question then becomes – what makes this situation healthier than vanilla sex? This is where data gets murky and that’s for several reasons. Firstly, everyone engages in BDSM practices for different reasons, and as it is such a diverse activity it’s difficult to ascertain what individual people get out of the experience. There are some common elements amongst it all which we can explore today.

Common Elements In BDSM Practices

Communication

Communication is one of the most important elements of bondage play. When beginning any kind of kink and fetish scene, you first need to check in with your sexual partner as to what they might enjoy. This conversation about sex, about likes and dislikes, and about fetishes is an intimate discussion and can help bring couples closer together. It’s a space of vulnerability, about openness and trust, and these are three things that are important to the foundations of any long lasting and healthy relationship. When it comes to the terms bondage, dominance, submission and kink – negotiation and boundaries are key to each other’s understanding and safety. This negotiation sees the bottom in control with the top/dominant respecting and being respectful of the boundaries provided.

Relaxation

We all, in some varying degrees, enjoy the element of control. Which is why, especially during scenes of dominance, when control is ‘taken’ away from us willingly, we can find great balance in that. It’s no small wonder that a lot of high profile individuals, enjoy submitting to a sexual partner because it’s during that letting go moment that they find a chance to relax, breathe, and engage in a different mindset that they don’t normally engage with.  This is while ignoring the idea that being a submissive indicates all power is removed from them (when it is in fact the submissive who holds the most power within a scene).

Self-Esteem

Bondage scenes can boost self-esteem exponentially. When you’re engaging in rope play, or restraint play – there are moments when your body is on full display. There’s no hiding it, there’s no hiding under the sheets or the cover of darkness. Yet, despite being so vulnerable and exposed – your sexual partner is still engaged with the scene. Providing stimulation, adjusting the bondage ropes, handcuffs or restraints, or changing the position of a toy and so forth – this experience can be incredibly uplifting as you learn to succumb to the scene, the emotions and the sensations and letting go means that your self-esteem is going to sky rocket. The truth is, the feeling of being in control can also be about the ability to let go. It can be cathartic, therapeutic in the sense that they exert control in every other aspect of their lives, except this moment. By letting go, enjoying the moment they can find great benefit to their mental health.

These might seem like three small things, but when you’re sitting back and enjoying everything that BDSM and kink sex has to offer, with someone that you trust and respect, you’ll quickly not only find yourself simply letting go, but also enjoying sex to the fullest. Here’s to your health!

Author: Stephen Smith – BA Of Social Sciences, M.Ed

Stephen is a cis-gendered gay male who spends far too much time with his two cats and eating tim tams. A self-identified sex-positive advocate he cares deeply about gender equality, disabilities, sexual education and social issues. Opinionated and bold he isn’t afraid to speak his mind and say what others won’t. With a yearning for knowledge and experience in all things relating to sex, he is a prolific writer that has developed the content for a myriad of informative Sexual Health and Wellness websites.

Stephen’s articles and writings tends to focus on social issues, sexual education, queer issues and all things fetish and absurd. He comes qualified with the completion of a double Bachelor degree in Social Sciences and literature, and a Masters in Education.

FetLife Sub Finds A Daddy Dom!

Woman being dominated

“What? I’m supposed to start off slow in the BDSM lifestyle…”

This is the question that I asked myself after diving headlong in to the deep end of the proverbial BDSM pool. I’m sure that there would have been less shocking and more nurturing ways to ease myself in to the kind of level that I started on, where my limits that I thought were rock solid, became rather fluid and the lines of what I was and wasn’t willing to do became blurred. I’ll start at the beginning to give you a better idea of where I was and where I am now.

After a sudden break up late last year, I ventured once again, into the judgmental world of Tinder. Not expecting much this time around, but I thought it might be good for some laughs. After a few weeks of messaging and flirty phone calls, I took the leap and arranged a ‘date’ with a man who I thought may be strong enough to fulfil my newly found need to be dominated; alas this was not the case. Pre-breakup, I possibly would have been satisfied with a bit of rough, but fairly vanilla play. Apparently, this was not the case anymore.

I still vividly remember the lightbulb moment that occurred during my first session with a Dom and how the submissive experience freed me from all of the social constraints that I was hiding behind. It left me feeling fulfilled and I knew then, that was what had been missing from my sexual experience. The feeling of the blindfold blocking my sight, the collar restricting my movement and the feeling of handing over control to another person put me in to a state of a complete and fulfilling calm that I had never felt before.

Fast forward a few weeks of fruitless Tinder matches and an introduction to KiK Messenger, along came Mr. K and Mr. V, neither of which have anything about being Dom in nature, on their profiles, but both of which I seem to be intrinsically drawn to. After short pleasantries and ‘getting to know you’ conversations, we move the interaction across to KiK Messenger. For those who aren’t familiar with the Tinder app, it is a little limiting, you can’t send pictures or live chat. Since, I make it a point to not give out my phone number or email address until I have met with the person and am happy that they’re not just a creepy stalker, KiK Messenger works well for me.

So, both Mr. V and Mr. K made their preferences very clear as soon as we switched platforms, apparently my profile picture on KiK screams ‘I’m submissive!’, the conversation back and forth with Mr. K escalated quickly and a few days later I was on my way to meet him for our first session. For safety reasons, when meeting with someone new, I will always let a friend know where I am and also have them call for a safety check within a certain timeframe. Little did I know that I was about to experience my very first true submissive experience.

Since we had discussed limits and how the scene was going to play out, there wasn’t much in the way of conversation when I arrived. It was straight in to the scene. Mr. K did have me confirm that ‘No, means no’, which I found reassuring. But I was completely blindsided by his borderline sadist style, and what surprised me even more, was how much I enjoyed it. Being spanked hard until my arse was an angry shade of red, gagging so much that I had tears running down my cheeks and being used as a fuck toy, these were all new experiences. Once the scene was over and our clothing was back on, we spent time just getting to know each other and discussing the session.

Soon after Mr. K, I had my first and only session with Mr. V, who has a completely different style and thus led to a different experience. For me, the intimacy aspects of Mr. V’s play made me uncomfortable and it took me longer to get in to the scene than it did with Mr. K. I have always had an issue with intimacy, especially when it comes to looking people in the eye and expressing love. I just find it uncomfortable. This session pushed the boundaries of my limits. It was a mixture of age play, degradation and orgasm denial. All of which, again was new to me. I never thought that I would enjoy being spat on in a scene (spit still grosses me out in everyday life), but surprise, it added to the intensity of the scene. There was not much in the way of aftercare with Mr. V, I just hadn’t left enough time for aftercare. I was meeting a friend after our session, but we have kept in contact since he returned to the US.

Woman who's sexually submissive
Image: Submissive woman

Somewhere between session 2 and session 3 with Mr. K, he introduced me to FetLife and Whiplr, both specific sites and apps for those in the kink community. That’s where the fun really began! I almost felt like a virgin again. Actually a more accurate description would be that I really felt like ‘fresh meat’. It was such an eye opening experience. I have never relied on urban dictionary more than I did in that first week of signing up for the site and app.

It was on FetLife that I found a link to a kink based personality test www.bdsmtest.org which I thought was going to be great for a laugh at how ambiguous the profile analysis was, but it turns out that the results are pretty true to my personality and preferences. The site allows you to take the test in several forms: Dominant Questions Only; Submissive Questions Only; Full Test Questions. Since I was pretty sure that I had no dominance in my personality, I opted to take the submissive only questions.

Like I said, I wasn’t expecting any life changing revelations hidden in my results. It was partially true, but what I did find very interesting, was the detailed explanations on what each part of the result was. I would really encourage everyone to take the test, for most, the results are a real eye opener. My results, combined with my FetLife profile, led to me finding a Daddy Dom who is helping me to find my limits in a more controlled way. The further I got in to the kink community, the more I felt that it was necessary for me to take a step back, go back to the starting point that I skipped over at the start of my journey an solidify my limits to make further exploration and play safer in the long run.

In our last catch up, Mr.K and I were talking about how far I had come in the 5 weeks since we had met. So much so, that he was unaware that I had little to no experience when we started, which I was pretty sure that I had disclosed before our initial meeting. This brought home how important communication is between play/life partners so that lines are not crossed or misunderstood and how swiftly miscommunication can lead to a potentially dangerous situation especially with the use of of BDSM sex toys and gear like whips and crops.

All of which has led to me embracing my sexuality, being a more confident person, becoming a part of the Adultsmart family and sharing my learning experiences with the wider community.

Author: Mia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Jennifer works marketing at Adultsmart an online sex toy shop. She has a non-judgemental approach to sex, sex toys and sexuality. Her favorite saying is if it feels good and right and is not illegal then why not!

Dr. Stacy, Help Me! I’m A Sexless Cuckold Wanting Sex

Man in a chastity device

This month Adultsmart’s clinical sexologist and certified sex coach Dr. Stacy Friedman has answered three questions which were anonymously sent in to askasexologist@gmail.com. Be sure to read them, who knows she may have answered on of yours!

Question

So for the last few years, my wife and I have been in a cuckold relationship that started with my chastity fetish and she escalated it.  A year and a half ago, she decided that I would be sex free besides using my tongue.  I was upset at first but she convinced me it was for the best.  My problem now is that I don’t think I can handle never having sex with her again as I ache for it constantly.  My question is after all this time of being pussy free and her fucking whoever she wants, how can I talk her into letting me have sex again?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

For those not aware, a cuckold relationship is one where a man encourages his wife to have sex with other men because it brings him pleasure. The husband’s “victim” role is definitely a major element of the kink. Communication is very important in any relationship, so if something bothers you about your sexual practice it would benefit you to bring it up in a conversation about your needs with your partner.  If she isn’t willing to listen or respect your concerns then you aren’t in a balanced relationship and someone will be settling or continue to feel unsatisfied. When in a cuckold relationship, the person who is the cuckold (meaning you) can feel pleasure by being humiliated and submissive but only if both parties consent to this agreement.  This fetish fantasy doesn’t work when the cuckold is being humiliated against their will and their own needs are not being met.  If your marriage will continue to work without resentment or frustration, your concerns need to be discussed and a compromise found.  If you still want to be in a cuckold relationship then discussing some changes that can help both of you be satisfied can be imperative or unfortunately your marriage may not end well.

Question

I cannot satisfy my wife, as my penis is too small.  I have tried penis pumps but the result did not last.  I tried stretcher too but it was painful and nothing was different after a month.  Is there a way to get a bigger penis?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

Unfortunately, you have the size that you were born with unless you try a few things such as what you have mentioned.  The penis pump is not meant to have a lasting effect, it just offers enough help for the time you are being intimate.  If the stretcher is painful then obviously you shouldn’t continue to use it but even if you do use it, you probably won’t get much larger than another inch or so.  Most women appreciate the girth more than the length so it is more filling in their vaginal canal.  You can use a cock ring on your penis which can help keep the blood blow in which can help with some thickness.  Make sure to use lube prior to putting the ring on so you don’t pull your skin.  Also, it isn’t all about the size that makes a woman happy or pleased.  You can learn different techniques that will help increase her satisfaction such as working on oral, using your fingers more by touching in a soft and slow way.  While you are having intercourse you can also help with pleasure by using a toy to stimulate the clit at the same time so it isn’t as focused on the penis size.  There are some adult products such as penis sleeves that are made with silicone or jelly material that can increase some length or girth during intercourse so maybe try some of those.  Make sure to try and communicate with your partner as to what they like and need to feel satisfied and you may be surprised that it doesn’t have as much to do with a larger penis but the way you take your time and focus on foreplay and allowing your partner to enjoy the connection and touch between the two of you.

Cock ring with a remote control
Image: NU Sensuelle Remote Control Rechargeable Cock Ring

Question

During oral sex, can sperm be swallowed?

Dr. Stacy Friedman’s Answer

Yes, it is safe to swallow sperm (also called semen). The choice to spit or swallow is a very personal one and there is nothing wrong with either answer. Before you do decide to swallow semen, you should make sure your partner is safe from any sexually transmitted infections so you aren’t taking the chance to transmit any infection to yourself. Semen is mostly water and also contains some amino acids, protein, zinc, calcium, sugars such as glucose and fructose as well as Vitamin C and a few other nutrients. The different diet that someone has will determine the taste or lack of taste that it can have.  The more fruits and vegetables you have, the better or more mild the semen will taste, such as pineapple or fruit juices. Some studies have even shown that semen, when entered through the vagina into the bloodstream is actually considered an anti-depressant so swallow away if you want to feel happier! I don’t know how true that really is but it doesn’t hurt to try.

If you would like to ask Dr. Stacy Friedman anything about sexual lifestyle, health and wellness, be sure to send in your question to askasexologist@gmail.com and she may answer one of your questions in a full length article that will be published anonymously on Adultsmart’s blog.

Would you like free professional advice from a Clinical Sexologist & Certified Sex Coach? Dr. Stacy Friedman may answer your question for FREE in a featured article on Adultsmart’s Blog! If you would like to send in a question please email askasexologist@gmail.com.