When It’s So Broke You Can’t Fix It

That toxic kinda love, you know the one. Yes, that one where you have a regular ritual based on tit for tat, where yelling is your second language and cussing is your foreplay. That toxic kinda love that is met with paranoia over cheating and continuous accusations. That love that consumes you to the point where the intensity of how you feel for each other is only matched with your underlying resentment and disdain for all the shit you’ve put one another through and no matter how much you feel drained you can’t put it down even if it is slowly killing you.

You lose a part of you and what you always encompassed.

That glow in your eyes is fading and that part of sassiness you were once known for is slowly being extracted from you.

All the rules of independence you religiously followed no longer apply.

Your spirit is beaten down from day to day battles, and so is his too.

Not good enough because you don’t meticulously play by his rules even though you try,

You love him but you hate him at the same damn time.

This type of relationship makes you question what really is love?

You may even be yearning for a deeper spiritual and sexual connection.

Why can’t you put down the pain and relinquish happiness in your life? Why do you settle for only part time compassion from the one who’s meant to love you the most.

You use to be so head strong, so full of gusto and now you’re a mere shell of the former you!

You panic when you haven’t followed a time frame with full accuracy, you begin to feel guilty for things you haven’t done and worry whether there will be fall back from the things you have done irregardless how big or small they are.

Your health is up and down, blood pressure dangerously low and you sometimes struggle to breath. Your soul is riddled with sadness and you begin to wonder if you’re ever going to be able to find the old you again.

THE WHY?

So why do we do it?

Why do we open our hearts to the idea of being madly in love with someone who treats us like dirt rather than gold?

Why do we start off like a miraculous tale one of those stories you would read out of a romantic novel and then it quickly transcends to a nightmare.

I guess to get to the core of this question you have to look at you and your significant other in a very analytical, almost microscopic way. After all it takes two to tango right. You could throw many theories in the mix when trying to conclude just why so many of us are drawn to toxic love.

For some it is almost in their DNA to accept and even feed from other’s abusive tendencies. All it can take is growth in a family home where such behaviour is acceptable, condoned or even encouraged and then that inadvertently trickles down for future generations to adopt and reformulate. Not to say it always will be but the likelihood is pretty high.

Although studies have shown that those subjected to witnessing abuse throughout childhood are often at a much greater risk of succumbing to similar patterns through adulthood, it doesn’t mean that it is the only theory of possibility.

The need for the love of an abusive or co-abusive relationship can also stem from low self-worth and not holding yourself at a value high enough where you feel you deserve full respect.

Low self-esteem has a lot to be said for and can spiral destructive traits into overdrive.

THE HOW.

To love and be loved in a toxic way is more than just yelling or screaming at one another constantly. It is a mental game built on panic, paranoia, determination to one up the one who supposedly matters the most. It is having a fight or flight type of view on life and letting it seep through the foundation of your relationship.

It is carrying the burden of the hurt and scar tissue you hold from your previous relationships and procuring it with your current. It is both mental and sometimes physical, however mental scars are never quick to fade. It is allowing your emotions and disdain residue to completely trump any euphoria that your partner may bring you. It’s a battle in your head and that battle is transferred between the both of you until one person is brave enough to say enough is enough.

WHEN YOU KNOW IT’S OVER.

You simply cannot bury pain forever, when it’s all said and done. You no longer have the sex or material treasures to compensate the hardships you both have endured at the hands of one another. It’s safe to say that time won’t heal and there’s no shame in loving and being burnt, but there is a lot to be said in staying in a loveless relationship.

See you may think that love is about sticking it out to the bloody end. But when it’s at a cost of your mental and emotional health time and time again then that is not love. Love is understanding, accepting, embracing and holding your partner to a value of equality to yourself, nothing more nothing less.

How we express that to our significant other falls in with who we are as an individual ultimately. One thing you can never forget is your self-worth because that is something that cannot be brought nor bartered, and when it’s all said and done that is who you are and will continue to be. Who knows? You may be writting a thank you letter to your ex sooner than later!

Channelle xo

Author: Channelle is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres