Bad Boys Vs Good Men – What Sets Them Apart?

Bad Boys Vs Good Men – Disaster is your middle name in relationships. Your romantic passions often end exactly that way. Time and time again you ask yourself why these “attractions of deprivation” feel just like true love.

We don’t get taught about how love can hurt us. Our story is only that it is a beautiful, and life-altering mystery to find. Our gifts are exactly just that, our most profound, intimate gifts. In the wrong hands, however, they are our greatest downfall, but with every heartbreak comes a silver lining.

There is always that one type! You know that kind that stops you dead in your tracks? The type that makes your heart skip a beat and makes you do and say the silliest things.

You are literally “weak at the knees”. They trigger inside or us our insecurities,  yet we long for them. How does this happen?

Unresolved issues from childhood and adolescence

We often have unresolved hurts that began in our childhood or teenage years, whatever form they manifest in—be it betrayal, hurt, or abuse. Unconsciously, our mind seeks to heal from these traumas through the manipulation of our intimate partners.

We are attracted to people who wind us in the same way. Our consciousness tries to “fix it” by changing the outcome of the original event. This means we can finally break free of our feelings of unworthiness and distrust.

What is The Myth of Lost Love?

At the heart of our being, there’s a yearning for healing, often encapsulated in what we call the “myth of lost love.” As we venture into the unknown world, we encounter experiences that feel like profound loss and betrayal. This stark contrast to the magical, profound love stories we were fed as children leads us to create the “myth of lost love” to make sense of our pain. This myth, potent in its influence, shapes our understanding of life and love.

Facing the World’s Harsh Realities

This myth serves a dual purpose. Firstly, it acknowledges the world’s uncertainties, guiding us to erect walls for self-protection. Secondly, it can lead us down a more destructive path, making us believe we’re always at fault, unlovable, or unworthy of love.

The Vulnerability of Our Core Gifts

In our most vulnerable state, we might blame ourselves for the absence of love, clinging to these beliefs even when someone rekindles the spark of what we’ve lost. Ironically, the traits we often view as flaws are precisely what can draw the love we truly need. These are our core gifts.

The Power of Our Core Gifts

If wisdom guaranteed love, we’d all be blissfully united. Yet, the reality is messier, driven by what we might call attractions of deprivation. Our core gifts aren’t just talents or strengths, but our deepest sensitivities and passions. They embody our most creative, loving selves. While these gifts can attract misuse or lead to irrational behavior because of their intensity, recognizing and properly wielding them empowers us. They allow us to grasp the profound narrative of our lives fully.

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What Is Fear of abandonment in Relationships?

Fear of abandonment sits deeply within the human psyche, acting as one of our most profound fears. Ironically, we often find ourselves drawn to those who embody the very essence of deprivation. This paradox stems from an innate desire to secure the love, approval, or care of our partners, believing that achieving this will fulfill our deepest needs.

Such relationships plunge us into a vortex of neediness and longing, stripping away our sense of balance and nurturing feelings of inadequacy. The pain becomes a bizarre source of sustenance, with every minor sign of affection or approval feeling like a jackpot.

This dynamic mirrors the addictive cycle of gambling, where the occasional win fuels a relentless pursuit of victory. These attractions are perilously alluring, offering the intoxicating thrill of the chase, akin to the patterns observed in love addiction.

Consider these scenarios:

Have you ever found yourself hopelessly attached to someone who was clearly unavailable or detrimental to your well-being?

Have you invested excessive time and energy trying to teach someone the basic principles of respect and care in a relationship?

Or perhaps you’ve experienced the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with yearning for the affection of someone who oscillates between treating you wonderfully and terribly.

These experiences highlight the complex web of fear, desire, and addiction that characterizes our interactions with those who trigger our fear of abandonment.

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Image: Fear Of Abandonment

What Is The Secret To Finding Love?

The path to finding true love is transformative, hinging on shifting our attractions for both our mental and physical well-being. The profound secret lies in gravitating towards attractions of inspiration. This insight, seemingly straightforward, often eludes many for decades, if not indefinitely.

What Is Love

Embrace Warmth and Ease

Relationships anchored in inspiration exude a natural warmth and ease. The essence here is to accept care from our partners, not to vie for it. True partners inspire us to excel, loving us for our authentic selves. Such connections thrive on genuine well-being, blossoming gradually and enriching with time.

They demand effort, but reward us with love, not desperation. This is the love that forms the foundation of a life well-lived, meriting our finest gifts and deepest intimacy.

Beyond the Surface

Absent the nourishment of inspirational attractions, love dims, regressing to a diminished, defensive version of ourselves. We are akin to elastic bands, defaulting to a minimal, comfortable size without external forces urging us towards growth. A relationship of inspiration acts as this force, expanding our boundaries beyond imagined limits.

Questions To Ask Yourself;

  • Are you motivated by your partner’s (mostly) consistent care and approval?

A. My partner’s consistent care and approval are not just motivating; they’re the backbone of our connection. It’s their unwavering support that fuels my confidence and inspires me to be the best version of myself. Their kindness isn’t just a trait I admire; it’s a guiding light in our relationship, encouraging me to reciprocate with equal grace and goodness.

  • Are you motivated by your partner’s goodness and graciousness?

A. Goodness and graciousness are not just motivational; they’re the very essence of why I fell in love. Each act of kindness, each moment of grace, illuminates the depth of their character and the purity of their heart. It’s in these qualities that I find a continuous source of inspiration, driving me to be equally generous and kind. Their innate goodness enriches our relationship, fostering a loving environment where both of us thrive.

  • Is your love powered by admiration for the person your partner is?

A. My love rooted in admiration for the person my partner is. Witnessing their integrity, compassion, and resilience in daily life not only deepens my love but also my respect for them. This admiration is a constant reminder of the incredible individual I have the privilege of sharing my life with.

  • Are you and your partner willing to do the hard work of soothing the relationship’s areas of limitation?

A. Facing and soothing the relationship’s areas of limitation is a journey we’re both committed to. We understand that love isn’t just about enjoying the good times, but also about navigating the challenges together. Our willingness to work through these limitations, to listen, understand, and grow, is what strengthens our bond and ensures our love endures through every season of life.

This is the kind of love that can sustain a future, treasure it, and celebrate it. This is your attraction of inspiration.

The most important part to all of this is that most of us are actually hard-wired to desire people who inspire us. And that value us and is available. We can be deeply attracted to inspiring relationships, not just negative ones. Or at least on some level, we can choose the healthier love.

With everything beautiful and inspiring, they can come with their own unique challenges.

Morgan x

Author: Morgan is a consultant from  Adult Lifestyle Centres

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