Claudia Six, PhD, Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Coach, www.drsix.net and author of Erotic Integrity.
Photo: Claudia Six
When sex fades in a relationship, happens less and less frequently to not at all, there’s a very good reason why. When things get gummed up in bed, there’s always a way that it makes perfect sense. You can try tricks and toys, but you also need to open your mouth, and talk – to each other, not your best friend.
Talk about what sex represents for you (connection, release, a way to get to sleep, a spiritual event…). It’s ok if you have different answers – you’re different people.
Ask each other what you haven’t been saying, the stuff you’ve been afraid to tell your partner because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings. This is the time to be candid. Having difficult conversations actually has the most potential to boost intimacy and eroticism in a relationship.
Cassie Wolfe, PhD, Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Sex Therapist
Photo: Cassie Wolfe
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Your needs are important and valued. It is common for life, work, stress, anxiety, having children, differing work schedules, etc. to get in the way. Make having a connection with your partner/s/ a priority, even if that means actually scheduling a specific time on your calendar. It’s also normal to have variation in one’s sex drive. Just remember that some partners experience responsive arousal – meaning they get more excited in the midst of foreplay (which reminds me – FOREPLAY!! Stop rushing and don’t forget FOREPLAY), while some can be more spontaneous. Focus on the quality over quantity.
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Michelle Roberton
Sexual Trauma and Intimacy Expert
Often in our fast pace world we can loose connection with ourselves and our own bodies, let alone our Lovers. Stuck in our heads and goals, our body looses it’s mojo and so too do our relationships. I feel there are three major keys that firstly support us to be more connected to our self and then those same three keys support us to reconnect with our lover. We cannot give what we have not got, so it is essential I feel, to connect firstly to self so our connection with our lover has substance and authenticity behind it.
These three keys are:
Darren Michaels Flipside
Amory Jane
I think touch is extremely important and many people are touch-deprived and out in the world feeling lonely. I don’t think technology is the enemy though – I think it can be used for good to help connect people. However, I do believe that intimacy is something tons of people struggle with, and always being on our phones and computers can make it even harder to be present when we’re face to face. I would advise people to make time every week where they tuck away technology and turn in toward each other. Focus on open and vulnerable communication or interesting intellectual conversations. If you don’t know what to discuss, search online beforehand and print off or write down prompts, and then really listen to each other. I also highly encourage non-sexual touch while talking, like holding hands or cuddling. If you’re with someone where sex is an option and you’re feeling connected in that way, sensually exploring each other’s bodies (without a goal of orgasm) can be wonderful for building and maintaining intimacy.
Walker Thornton
Public speaker, relationship consultant and author
It’s an experience I’ve had just enough to know it is our most desired way of experiencing sexual intimacy. My best sexual experiences are those where I connect with my partner and we’re both aware of our mutual desire for pleasure. A dance has to have 2 active partners—it’s a give and take. Sex is no different. We learn by listening or sensing another’s body, we adjust accordingly and we flow together. There are plenty of men out there, of all ages, who consider sex as “sticking it in” and getting off. They don’t understand the importance of mutuality, nor do they understand the power of two people equally engaged and actively participating.
Dr. Stacy Friedman
Sexpert, Sex Coach, Intimacy Consultant
Want to reconnect sexually with your lover? Get out of your routine and try something different! Many times finding ways to reconnect can be something as easy as bringing in some variety. Have a night filled with learning your partners body, something that I like to call “Exploration Nights”! Our bodies are filled with erogenous zones that are never touched, kissed, licked or loved. Your body is not just lips, breasts, and genitals as it starts from the head and ends at the toes. Take advantage of slowly touching, massaging, and appreciating the little nooks and crannies that your partner has. The crease of the elbow, the bend of the knee, the inner arm or the curves of the ankle…these can stimulate nerves and sensations that you never knew you had. Focus on the idea of feeling pleasure verse the idea of performance where you can enjoy the actual act of connection and intimacy rather than having the experience be all about the ins and outs of intercourse. What exactly does that mean? Being intimate is about being vulnerable and being in the moment. Take the time to see how your lover reacts to your touch, how they move, the softness of their skin and talk about what you enjoyed the best. When you take the opportunity to just spend time enjoying each other and building the connection, it makes all the difference in your relationship and your sexual connection. You feel more in tune to your partner, how they feel and react to your touch as well as different things that they may enjoy, now that you took the time to explore. To read more about how to truly build your intimacy on your “Exploration Night”, download your free digital copy of my new Amazon best selling book, “Confessions & Lessons of a Sexpert”, found on www.DrStacyBook.com or for a paperback and Kindle version, you can find it on Amazon.
Meet Sexpert, our full-time sex blogger! With a background in women’s lifestyle blogs, she brings expertise to Adultsmart and runs Good Girl Guide too.
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