This is a VIP interview with Mistress Kashiko Black the founder of Keeping It Kinky. Her website offers complete guides to BDSM and alternative sexual lifestyle. It was created with the inspiration to provide knowledge, information and educational resources. That can be used to explore their sexuality with safety and consent in mind.
Keeping It Kinky goes in great detail about all topics ranging from kink basics, how to use bondage and fetish gear and it goes into depth about different types of fetishes.
Mistress Kashiko also reviews BDSM or sexual lifestyle related movies and books, so you know which ones to watch and read! Mistress Kashiko has been a member of the Vancouver BDSM scene where she is able to take her natural ability to be a leader. And use it in a space where it is celebrated.
VIP Interview with Mistress Kashiko Black
What is it like being a mistress?
Being a Mistress is a wonderful experience. It feels empowering. It’s also just a part of who I am. I am naturally dominant and that expresses itself in a number of ways. When I’m participating in a scene, I have the opportunity to embrace that part of myself to the fullest.
It’s like having something that you’re really good at and enjoy doing and getting the chance to show it off and have other people appreciate it.
What is your favourite part of being a mistress?
After establishing a strong BDSM relationship with someone, you come to know the smaller nuances of their personality and reactions to things.
My favourite part of a scene is when I am able to really reach my sub on a deep level. And every little expression and feeling that they are experiencing is because that is what I want them to. That was my design. They are finding fulfilment and delight or absolute anticipatory frustration at my fingertips.
Have you always known that you wanted to be a mistress?
I would say yes. But I haven’t always known what a Mistress was. I’ve always naturally been dominant and enjoyed exerting that upon the willing. I suppose the time when it became more of an active thought or desire was in my early 20s. When I began to participate in the world of BDSM through my local scene.
Do mistresses follow any rules? Why are rules important?
Of course!
Every good BDSM player follows the rules that separate abuse from BDSM. At its most fundamental level, it could be summed up by a single word. Consent.
In the community, we talk about it in terms of Safe, Sane, and Consensual or Risk Aware Consensual Kink (R.A.C.K).
These terms define what most BDSM players consider consent encompassing. There are some other rules that are observed. But those are usually around specific kinks. It all comes down to safety.
Is everyone having a good time? So, is everyone in a situation where no one will be harmed? Harm is different from hurt. Pain is a sensation and not always a bad one. Harm, regardless of what kind, is what we try very hard to avoid. BDSM is about creating a safe place to explore new experiences and sensations in a safe and caring manner.
Without that, you’re looking at something entirely different.
What did you find frustrating about the BDSM community? How do you feel this problems can be fixed?
New people to the community.
You can always tell when someone is inexperienced or new because they always say, “I have no boundaries, you can do whatever you want”. That is a dangerous phrase and just downright reckless.
Everyone has boundaries and that is healthy.
Saying you have no boundaries and that ANYTHING is game is something a predator wants to hear. Only people who will take you up on that offer are people who are not healthy BDSM practitioners. But those who seek to harm for their own gratification.
If someone doesn’t know what their limits are because they haven’t experienced enough, that’s fine but say that. Saying that you are so hard core that you can take anything just makes you sound like an idiot…. or someone who is dangerous to play with.
It’s a horrible misconception that the ultimate BDSM player is up for anything.
Just not true. As much as this notion frustrates me, the remedy is reasonably simple: Education. Most people once you explain it seem to get it and wise up. “Oh I have no limits, you can do anything!” “Oh really? So it’s ok if I shoot you full of tranquilizer so you resemble a corpse and then do a bunch of stuff to your body?”…..
Most people’s eyes going totally wide and then they get it. If someone is saying yes to that out of the gates with someone they barely know, there are so many issues with that I can’t even begin to describe. It would take way too long.
Let’s just say DANGER DANGER!!!
What are the important aspects of the BDSM community which must be maintained?
A culture of consent. Most kinks involve a degree of danger and some of them are riskier than others. Informed consent is extremely important.
Just as important as doing the research for safely carrying out a scene. If everyone is up for and informed about what’s happening, then it can be a mind blowing and positive experience.
Without those things, it will just be trauma.
What places would you recommend to go to become a member of the BDSM community?
Most cities with a BDSM scene will have club nights and these are the easiest events to find but they are not always the best. Clubs can be loud and more focused on outfits and dancing than community and kink. It can be a good way to assess comfort level but not a good place to connect or learn.
Many communities will host kink bdsm munch events. This is a meetup, usually at a coffee shop or restaurant where people can meet others into the lifestyle. Many communities will also host play parties which are events specifically focused on dungeon kink.
A number of these communities will also host educational events that teach. These are all good places to connect with your local scene.
What did you learn from studying psychology that has impacted how you see people’s fetishes, kinks and desires?
Psychology, historically, has not seen kinks and fetishes favorably. That has changed over the years and continues to do so but I feel that this is still somewhat scewed.
When I first started Keeping it Kinky in 2011, there was not a lot of academic research being done on the subject. I’m glad to say that this has changed. But if I was to pinpoint one particular thing, I’d have to say that it was during my education on biological growth. And how that impacts our minds at different ages.
There was a study done on attraction and what we attribute it to.
People were asked to walk across a bridge and then speak to someone at the other side. They were later asked to rate the attractiveness of the person they spoke to.
In the control group, the bridge was a small bridge over a creek that was very low to the ground. Other participants were asked to walk across a suspension bridge. People who walked across the suspension bridge rated the same person as significantly more attractive than those in the control group. The idea that we don’t always attribute our responses accurately stuck with me.
Power of perception is a strong and powerful thing.
What books would you recommend to read?
There are many excellent books on the topic of BDSM out there. Lots of good information. That being said, I am particularly fond of the works of Raven Kaldera.
They have a number of books available and I find the writing to be education, entertaining, and extremely well done.
What movies would you recommend to watch?
There are not many movies that come to mind that I feel are a good representation of BDSM.
“Secretary” is an excellent film. But does have a few issues in how it portrays BDSM. Most films don’t paint Dominants in a very good light sadly. Although I suppose that would not make a very good film if they did.
One movie I would highly recommend, although it doesn’t focus exclusively on BDSM, is “My Awkward Sexual Adventure“. Beginning is a bit painful the watch as the actors are a bit terrible. But hang in there because by the end of the film you realize it’s kind of intentional to show the fakeness of his relationship at the beginning.
Kind of a contrast thing. Anyways, really good film about sex and exploring different aspects.
What services does your websites provide?
Keeping it Kinky focuses mostly on education. Our site currently hosts over 200 articles on BDSM, sexual health, communication, and more. And this is an ongoing project, more articles to come.
We also do book and movie reviews. It is primarily a non-profit site so everyone involved in the project donates their time and energy. The site also offers a small store, which we hope to grow.
We also offer listings to any business, service, or community member that identifies as BDSM/Kink/LGBTQ friendly. Sadly this section doesn’t have too many listings yet.
Are You Kinky – 9 Questions That Will Tell
Many dictionaries define kink as being ‘an unusual or eccentric idea’. There is a lot of stigma when it comes to defining ones self as being sexually kinky or a kinkster.
But there is nothing unusual or eccentric about kinky sex. Indeed it provides an outlet for many individuals that feel otherwise constrained within ‘vanilla’ sex. An issue here is the term kink and its definition in being such a broad statement that it’s little more than an umbrella term. Therefore subject to gross misinterpretation.
Kink does incorporate the more out there sexual preferences inclusive but not limited to, puppy play, nappy play, erotic asphyxiation, suspension play and the like.
Kink Play Can be Just Simple Things
Many people forget that kink play can also be simply restraints on the bed outdoor sex or even dressing up in a particular way. Definition of kink and its boundaries have become so blended that there are no longer clear distinctions when using the term.
So, with this in mind it is therefore extremely common to be into kink.
It just depends on the type of kink that you are into. I mentioned earlier that kink provides a sexual outlet. And when you reduce many of these ‘kinks’ to their basic levels they essentially come down to very specific terms of power and control, individual expression and escapism from everyday life.
It’s no coincidence that many individuals in high profile positions that require intense decision making often have a fantasy and sexual outlet of being completely submissive.
This can work towards providing balance within their lifestyle.
Kink can provide intimacy on many levels within a couple.
- Firstly, emotionally as you reveal secrets and thoughts whereby you, in most cases, become closer with each other. Sharing is a huge part of being a couple.
- Secondly, as you explore each other’s bodies in new and exciting ways. Simply restraining your partner to the bed and teasing them with the sense of touch can be highly erotic as you focus more on aspects of foreplay.
- Kink is a world you should explore, and you can venture out as far or as little as you and your partner want to.
- Limits and boundaries are entirely up to you. It’s a fantastic way to spice things up or even add a new dimension to your intimacy.
In saying all of this the world of kink can be a tricky minefield
As it sometimes seems overwhelming when you first start out. This is why staff in sex positive adult lifestyle centers can be helpful.
We know our products but we don’t know your fantasy. Best suggestion when first starting out is to talk to the staff. Give them a sense of what you’re trying to do and we can guide you in a particular direction.
What usually ends up happening is that we both learn from each other. Not everyone thinks the same. You might be using a particular product in a way that we ourselves hadn’t considered. This is entirely okay.
So do you now know what is kink?
An interesting thing is, we have all done something a little bit kinky! A playful light slap to your lover rear end to let them know they are doing a good job. You may have even used a little bit of rough or aggressively sex especially after a lover’s quarrel.
Maybe you even did something like blindfolding your lover to let them experience the sexual sensations. Sometimes people also restrain their partners with ropes or bdsm gear to be in full control. Whilst your partner is being submissive.
Here are some kinks that you may have done but you are not aware of yet.
- You pulled your lover’s hair for pleasure.
- Injured or shown aggression towards your lover’s neck or other parts of the body.
- Used pressure, push and power for domination.
- Played out a sexual fantasy concerning a specific role or scenario.
- Placed both hands around your partner’s throat.
- Performed degrading acts to your lover for pleasure.
- Commanded your spouse to do something you find humiliating on you.
- Advised your partner to execute certain love making acts on you.
- Called your lover awkward or humiliating names.
Meet Sexpert, our full-time sex blogger! With a background in women’s lifestyle blogs, she brings expertise to Adultsmart and runs Good Girl Guide too.