Lets Talk About Sex, Baby!

Men, unlike women rarely talk about sex with other men, especially about those they love as it’s deeply personal. It’s important to have sex communication.

They are fast to share details about random hook ups their friends know about but are rarely open about the women in their lives.

On the other hand, women are open and rarely keep secrets.  In fact, they can discuss how they do it and what really turns them on.  Groups of men will rarely go into adult stores together.  Whereas the opposite is true for women.  Perhaps this is partly the aftermath of Sex and The City.

Challenges of Sex Communication

The challenge is, most people who think they know a lot about sex, still have a lot to learn about the same subject.

There’s always new things to explore.  You can ask yourself some questions like are you confident in bed?  Do you think your partner is entirely satisfied with you? By any chance do you think your partner might find the girl or man next door better in bed?

Most importantly, are you still willing to learn?

 Well, then you are a perfect candidate for sex education.  Often the best sex education is found in adult shops.

Sex is Learnt not Acquired

No one wakes up perfect in bed.  It is a combination of theoretical understanding of human anatomy and practical experiences that brews satisfying sex.

Imagine having a good time with your partner, enjoying sensual sex for long and none of you is ready to stop.  Imagine rolling from the bed to the floor, intact and romping it off?

It is time you improved your sex life with sex education products.

Sex Communication for Better Sex

Learn different sex styles by either reading magazines or erotic books.  There are so many uncut DVDs that expose the secrets that everyone makes in bed and offer the best remedy for better sex life.

It’s important to note though that it’s kind of like a cook book.  Whatever you do, it is not going to turn out exactly the same.  So long as you keep your expectations grounded and realistic, you’ll be fine.

Find out what turns your partner on and go for it!

Sex is about understanding each other, and while kissing alone can be sufficient foreplay.  To some there is more to great foreplay than just touching and kissing.

It is about truly understanding each others body.  For that the best remedy is to pick up new techniques, try them and refine them and keep on practicing!

Most of the publications, tutorials and DVDs are works of great sex experts who understand what men and women really want.  Cultivate a culture of reading and learning how to do it right.

They Might Not Tell You It’s no Good

Even though some partners are bold enough to express their dissatisfaction in bed, some are likely to keep it to themselves.

You’re struggling to find out what your partner is thinking.

Consider having the post sex shower debrief.

Subtly train them by commending them on what you liked. ‘I loved it when you did XYZ’.  This is about positive reinforcement.  Actually, some partners will not say a word.

But do they really have to say anything for you to understand that there is a missing button in the equation.

Come on, use your eyes and body well.  The problem is that most people concentrate on attaining an orgasm as opposed to really letting it naturally come.

Sex Communication – Erotic Books and DVDs

The choice between erotic books and DVDs is tricky, but the answer lies in understanding what you really want.

Visual images created when watching adult DVDs are implanted in the brain and you can even do it practically while watching.  On the other hand, you can read anytime you are free.

Think about what you feel would work best for you and your relationship.  Before buying any tutorial or DVD on sex, you must really understand what you believe is missing and how you would like to improve it.

Shop online and sift through a wide collection of adult education material and rejuvenate your sex life today!

Sparking Passion Through Effective  Sex Communication

In all the articles we’ve written so far, we’ve talked about how relationships can lose their spark over time. But just because the passion fizzles out, doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed.

You don’t have to toss it out like yesterday’s garbage.

Most people believe in finding their one true soulmate, but that’s just a bunch of hooey if you ask me.

If you’re not happy in your relationship, you have two options.  Either suck it up and accept it, or go on a wild goose chase for something that might not even exist.

What About a Soulmate?

When we talk about a soulmate, it’s like saying there’s someone who perfectly fits the puzzle of our lives. But, it also means that people might think we’re not whole without that other person.

That’s why couples, friends, and even nosy relatives might give us sad looks when we’re still single.

Many years ago when I watched Sabrina The Teenage Witch, I saw the finale and scoffed at the literal metaphor of soulmates.

So Sabrina spent the whole series going on a wild goose chase for that missing piece of her soul gem. And wouldn’t you know it, in the last three minutes, she finds out Harvey had it all along!

Now, I’m a sucker for romantic movies where the couple ends up together.

But let’s face it, that’s not always the reality.

Happiness looks different for everyone, and having a partner doesn’t necessarily complete us.  Instead, they should complement us.

Think about it.  They balance out our quirks and the crazy parts of us. It’s like a perfect team of two unique individuals coming together.

Sometimes in life, two people just drift apart.  But, hear me out, that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road for your relationship. If you and your partner are sitting there thinking, “this relationship feels empty” or “we still love each other, but something’s missing,” don’t worry.

There’s still hope.

Sex Communication or Lack of It

One of the main reasons that people often feel disinterested, or disconnected is through a lack of communication.

We’ve talked a lot about how to bring the passion back into your relationship. We’ve mentioned having conversations, but let’s dive deeper into how to actually communicate with your partner.

Sometimes, fixing a relationship isn’t as simple as just having sex.

If you’re struggling with a lack of passion, it might be time to reboot your relationship with good old-fashioned talking.  For some feeling emotionally connected through conversation is a necessary precursor to physical intimacy.

So, let’s not forget the importance of talking in any relationship.  It can really deepen and strengthen your bond.

Contrary to popular belief, research suggests that small talk plays an important and integral part of a relationship.

John Gottman and Janice Driver, studied small talk and concluded that for the most part, small talk is actually a bid for an emotional connection.

 

These bids have been categorised into varying aspects within the list below.

• Bids for attention.  That’s an adorable cat sitting in the window.
• Bids for interest.  Doesn’t your mother’s cat look like that one there?’
• Bids for enthusiastic engagement.  We should think about getting a cat’
• Bids for extended conversation.  Have you heard from your brother recently? Last I heard they were moving for a new job’
• Bids for play.  Tickling your partner or playfully poking them) ‘I’ve been considering doing that all afternoon!’
• Bids for humour.  That cute cat we saw earlier reminded me of a joke. So a cat and a dog go into a bar’
• Bids for Affection. (Reaching for partner’s hand, or holding on to their arm etc.) ‘It’s been a rough day, I need a hug’
• Bids for emotional support. You know, I’ve just been so worried about work recently. I really hope that I don’t lose my job’
• Bids for self-disclosure.  What kind of pets did you have when growing up?’

For a conversation which involves any of the above.

The listening partner can respond in three ways according to Gottman and Driver.

First Way

Is by responding in the desired way through some form of acknowledgment.  This can involve a verbal, or non-verbal response and can either be a short response, or an extended response. Referred to as a ‘turning towards’ response and will result in a positive feeling for both parties.

Second Way

The second is referred to as ‘turning away’ responses, which includes ignoring the conversation prompt by their partner.

Third Way

A third and final option is to ‘turn against’ the conversation starter by reacting in an angry or irritated way.

Reacting Positively to Small Talk is the Way to Go

Gottman and Driver go on to suggest that reacting positively to small talk between partners will actually go a long way in the development of tools.  And communicative strategies that will assist couples when going through conflict.

By now you should understand the importance of small talk within a relationship.

There is not the scope or room in this article to demonstrate small talk conversation starters and sex questions to ask your lover. Not only is that unique to your interests, and experiences as a couple.  But in most cases it would be counterproductive to give you all the answers into establishing small talk.

What we Can Tell You About Sex Communication

Is that even though it may seem mundane and small to you, simply talking about a particular moment during the day when you arrive home.  It demonstrates an ability to open up, and restart communication.

If they reciprocate with their own story, even better!

Be Patient

But sometimes, especially for people that aren’t that articulate or struggle to share their thoughts, it may take a while for them to start sharing.  So be patient.

If you or your partner are talking, then the other partner will be considered to be listening.

Ways to Listen

There is a good way to listen, as well as ways of listening which can be detrimental to the process of talking and having one open up.

On reflection during the research for this article, I came across a terrible thought.  I’m an atrocious listener, and because i’m an atrocious listener it means that I am often unable to hear myself or partner communicate.

Henning Mankell wrote in his article, The Art of Listening, that since humans have two ears and one mouth that we should spend time listening twice as much as what we speak.

But it’s something that not a lot of people do.

Listening involves not only listening to your partner, but also listening to yourself.

The brain, interestingly, has the capacity to speak X amount of words per minute.  But it has the capacity to listen to 5-10 times that number.

We Get Distracted When Listening

As such, when ‘listening’ we often get distracted, focusing instead on plans for the next day.  Or considering our surroundings, the weather anything really except actually being in the moment and actively listening.

Active Listening

You might hear the concept of active listening being bandied about a lot.  It’s the kind of concept that if you can master will have broad and far reaching implications.

Not just within your relationship, but also in how you conduct yourself in, and go through, life.

Many people don’t necessarily understand what listening is.

Listening is simply an activity in which you listen. You’re not simply waiting for your turn to speak, because what will happen in this situation is that you will hear key words, and tones.  And your brain will be distracted by formulating a response to that.

What it will miss is understanding the body language of the speaker, what it will miss is picking up the sub-text of the conversation.

The trick is not necessarily to respond to the speaker, ask yourself ‘What is the speaker asking for with this conversation?’

By having this question on your mind while they speak, means that you are making a conscious and deliberate effort in trying to understand what your partner is saying, and why.

The why part is important here, and it directly relates to the idea of bids of emotional connection which we discussed earlier in the article.

Instead of focusing on ‘your turn to speak’, you will be able to more effectively understand the point of view being expressed.

This means there might not be a counter argument

By considering a conversation this way, if conflict is brought up, it will not resort into a counter-argument.  Which is one of the least productive ways of communicating.

This form of ‘communication’ will often dissolve into two separate conversations.  Where each party is trying to get their point across to the other.

It demonstrates that neither of you is listening to the other.

The end of the argument will ultimately conclude on a negative note.  If you have listened effectively, you should be in a position to either paraphrase what they have said to you back to them through the lens of understanding. 

A first step in listening is to understand what your partner is saying.

Understanding is Key

Even before responding.  If you’re struggling to understand, paraphrase back to them and ask them if that is correct.

If it is correct then the listener should let the speaker continue.  Incorrect then ask a question in order to clarify the situation.  From here you need to listen until the other person has expressed their ideas and opinions.  And then respond accordingly.

When people can actively demonstrate that they understand their partner, their partner will actively invest energy and time in trying to understand the other.

But I don’t feel Understood

If you don’t feel understood, you will defensively argue that why should you try and understand them.

That’s why during conversations you need to have the ability to understand yourself, and be aware of your own listening.

We’ll refer to this as the evaluation of your conversation filters.

Some people will enter conversations with a point and a purpose.  Or maybe you have already developed a predisposition towards the other person.  The point you’re trying to convey, or any judgments or predispositions that you have towards the other person is going to result in a filtering of the conversation.

What will happen when you’re filtering a conversation is that you’ll automatically decides something ahead of time.

Then What Happens?

What this will result in, is that no matter what is said, heard or conveyed, will distort the words/message into what you are already feeling.

This contortion of words will be in such a way that even the best communicator in the world will be unable to ‘sway’ you.  Because in your mind you have already arrived at a position that fits in with your belief of the situation.

Am I Good Communicator And Listener?

It will help if you simply follow these three questions. Are you giving your partner your complete attention? Or are you understanding what your partner is telling you? Do you understand what your partner is wanting from you in this situation?

If you’re answering yes to all three questions, then congratulations.  You’re well on your way to establishing yourself as a practiced and effective listener.

By being a better listener you will have the ability to be a better communicator.

Being a better communicator you will be in a position to more effectively deal with any issues within your relationship.  Develop the ability to open up within your relationship.  Bring forth a level of intimacy and closeness which you may have been struggling to obtain.

Understand Each Other

Through understanding each other you’ll be able to focus on flaming the passion through physical closeness now that your minds are intimate.

You’ll find that when you’re feeling close to your partner that sexual activity will feel far more in the moment.  It’ll be a strong step to rekindling passion, or even developing passion in a new relationship.

By utilizing the art of effective communication is an incredible way to kick start a relationship which you thought was on the verge of ending.

Author: Stephen Smith – BA Of Social Sciences, M.Ed