Review: We-Vibe Sync (Indepth)

We-Vibe Sync Couples Sex Toy Image

It is no secret that I am a fan of We-Vibe. I love their rumbly motors, their innovative designs and their commitment to good sex. You don’t see desperate attempts at coming up with something new and different at the expense of quality and usefulness, and I appreciate that. Instead they make considered choices based on customer feedback and good research.

Recently someone very kindly gifted me with the new We-Vibe Sync and since none of our We-Vibe reviews so far have included much commentary about what’s it’s like to use during PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex I thought I would share with you my thoughts on it after using it a few different ways including PIV. Such a sexy sounding acronym, I know. I think I need to learn a more romantic language just so I can talk about sex in it and not sound stuffy and clinical but rather sexy and sophisticated. It could happen, watch this space.

Back to the couple’s sex toy. Firstly, if you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, the We-Vibe couples sex toy is a very popular, wearable vibrator which has been on the market in one form or another for the better part of a decade and has been winning awards consistently during that time. Over the course of those years it has changed a fair bit, and there have to date been, I think, seven or eight different models, including the latest iteration. It’s intended to be worn in the vagina and it is sort of like a rabbit in that it’s a dual stimulator, but it doesn’t have a handle – and it can be worn during sex, which is a little tricky with a regular ole rabbit!

The company which makes the We-Vibe sex toys is Canadian, called Standard Innovation, and makes sex toys which are both Eco-friendly and body safe. These are not the cheapest toys on the market, but they are worth every penny, and you are not paying for some ridiculous status oriented brand but rather for quality, durability and really damn good sex that will help promote healthy sexual satisfaction which can contribute to feelings of well-being and better relationships, with yourself and others.

So how does it work, and what does it look like? All the models are basically a modified, squished ‘C’ shape, designed so that one arm be worn inside the vagina, while one arm sits outside the vagina, resting against the vulva, and hopefully reaching and stimulating the clitoris. So I like to think of it as it as sensually hugging your genitals inside and out! Vibrations stimulate both your g spot and clitoris (provided the shape hits you in the right places, more on that shortly).

We-Vibe is a rechargeable sex toy which has a nifty little charging dock of its own, with a cover to keep your toy clean and discreet when not in use. You’re gonna need to charge it up before you first use it. To put the toy on your body, first make sure the toy is clean and charged, then apply some lube fairly liberally to the arm you are going to insert (it’s the one without the control button, for those who are unsure) and gently insert that arm into your vagina, leaving the outside arm, well, outside, to do it’s thang on your most sensitive spots. The toy is flexible enough that this won’t be a nightmare, and the new We-Vibe Sync makes it even easier.

Below I have added some pictures of some of the more recent models so you can get a better idea, after all a picture is worth a thousand words.

  1. We-Vibe Sync
  2. We-Vibe 4 Plus
  3. We-Vibe Classic
  4. We-Vibe 3
We-Vibe Versions
We-Vibe Versions (From Left to Right): We-Vibe Sync, We-Vibe 4 Plus, We-Vibe Classic, and We-Vibe 3

 

As I said, various features have been changed over the years on the different models, and up until recently the most recent design was the 4 Plus model and this has been extremely popular. By this point the toy has a remote (first introduced with the 3 model), an app for your smart phone (which means you can program in your favourite vibe combinations or control it from great distances), and a sleeker design, in the preferred velvety smooth silicone which doesn’t attract dust like shiny silicone’s are prone to. They also created the We-Vibe Classic with all the 4 Plus’s cool new features, including the app, with the exception of the shape. Classic has the shape which earlier We-Vibes had, as some people preferred it and We-Vibe wisely recognised that it would be a good idea to cater to that preference as well as offering their newer design. Good on you, We-Vibe. Still, most of my customers opted for the 4 Plus and it has really been the greatest thing since sliced bread for many, many satisfied users. But now folks, well the We-Vibe Sync is just blowing it out of the water and I am so, so impressed with it that I am recommending it to all my friends, customers and acquaintances.

The new features that make the We-Vibe Sync so special are its two adjustable points in the curve of the C, which make it better able to fit comfortably and work effectively on a wider range of bodies, new control buttons on the toy itself which make operating it simpler, stronger vibrations than ever with the same rumbly wonderfulness, and the new charging dock is a better design in my view too – it’s easier now to sit the toy in the correct place. The app has also been updated and the actual shape of the sex toy has been very slightly altered, it is still very similar to the 4 plus but the arms are a little longer. These small adjustments make a huge difference and it is really such a pleasure to use.

This diagram from the We-Vibe website shows how the We-Vibe Sync can be adjusted. As I touched on earlier, everyone’s anatomy is slightly different, and a dual stimulator can run the risk of not hitting both your sweet spots perfectly. Some people found that one or the other of the previous We-Vibe shapes didn’t quite fit them perfectly, which limited what should be a fantastic toy to a so-so toy for those particular people. But with the new shape and adjustable points not only will it stay in better and be more comfortable but be much more likely to hit almost everybody’s most sensitive erogenous zones. Notice the different ways it can be manipulated, and I might add it is surprisingly easy to adjust it while you’re wearing it or putting it on so you don’t have to do too much guesswork.

 

We-Vibe Sync Graph
Graph: We-Vibe Sync Adjustments

 

Now I mentioned the controls on the couple’s sex toy were easier to use. There is one button, which you would use by holding it down to turn the toy on or off, and press to scroll through the modes. This button was a little difficult to see, being more of a bump in the seamless silicone, and could be tricky to press in the right spot at times, especially as the toy aged and the button had been pressed a million times. Now there is an on/off button and separate mode buttons and I’m finding it much, much easier to operate. It still also has the remote, which works up to 3 metres away from the toy, and the app of course, We Connect – one of the newer We-Vibe models’ biggest selling points.

We Connect is very easy to use. On your smartphone, go to your Apple or Android Application store, search We-Vibe or We-Connect and download the app. When it is downloaded, open the app and follow the instructions it gives you. To connect your toy to the app during each play session, when prompted you will need to press the on/off button on the toy until the toy gives a short buzz to let you know the connection has been successful. On the app you can control your vibrations yourself, or invite your lover to take control. There are 10 vibration styles to choose from and you can increase or decrease the intensity in either or both arms of the toy in any of the vibration types. Each arm of the toy has its own motor so they are equally powerful and you don’t have to sacrifice power to either the clit or the g spot. Likewise though if  you refer, for example, only a gentle rumble against your clit and a mighty hammering on your g-spot you can do that with this toy. Customisable vibrations and vibration combinations make this toy so versatile. With the We-Vibe Sync, We Connect has also added two cool new features – Touch mode and Beat mode. Beat mode allows the toy to vibrate along with the beat of music playing in the vicinity of the toy and touch mode allows you to kind of ‘draw’ the kind of vibration pattern and intensity you would like with your fingers on the touch screen of your phone.

I have found all the features on the app very easy to use, to the point where I actually haven’t even bothered with the remote, and although I was super excited by the promise of Beat mode I am actually more thrilled about Touch mode now that I have used it myself. It’s quite lovely to have that much control. Though I will say that approaching climax it is nice to switch over to set-and-go so you can concentrate solely on the sensations. I tried all the different modes and found that I preferred a long period of the steady vibration, turned up pretty high, followed by the wave pattern. That combination was the best at getting me to climax. And the touch mode was really lots of fun, I would recommend using that for getting to know your body’s responses to vibrations more intimately and in more detail than with regular vibrators. When I was comfortable with the app I invited my partner to download it too. We didn’t have any issues with connectivity, though as of yet we haven’t tried using it when separated by any great distance.

Ok now to be honest I had been a little nervous about using it during penetrative sex. Mostly I was worried that it might be uncomfortable in some way, especially in terms of accommodating both the toy and a fairly girthy penis. Having not had any kids and still being fairly young, though not young enough to have the perpetual energy and gushing lubrication (tmi, I know) of my younger days I occasionally struggle with a girthier penis, especially experiencing a little pain around the actual vaginal opening, and especially when tired. Which seems to be my perpetual state of existence, so I gotta just roll with that. I know this is a problem for many other women, especially who have not had any vaginal births, so I thought it would be interesting to see how things went in the name of research as well as for my own use.

So going in I had a few questions in mind – would it be comfortable, would it stay in during energetic sex (hey, you’ve gotta put effort in where it counts), would my partner enjoy it too, would it feel impersonal like something getting in between us in a negative way? Would I want to use this toy on the regular?

When we decided to try the We-Vibe Sync out during penetration I have to admit I was definitely tired and not feeling my most super-horny. Somehow we had kept having mismatched horny moods over that week and were both a bit frustrated, however I was super keen to try it and have some sexy times with my partner so decided I would see how I went and if I really could not get in the mood we would just stop or switch to something that required less energy and have a nice if not mind blowing time. However I was very pleasantly surprised as my mood turned from lukewarm to red hot using the toy during foreplay. Something about those rumbling vibrations just loosened me right up and got my head in the game. I really am in the rumbly vibrations fan camp. Other vibrations are nice but rumbly wins every time. At first we just used it externally and after a while inserted it with a liberal smearing of my current-fave water based lube, playing for a while before getting down to PIV penetration. We wanted to give it a chance for my vag to get as comfy and cooperative as possible. Going from my experience I would highly recommend taking this kind of time to warm up and explore with fingers internally to get an idea of what it will be like filling up the space along with the toy. This serves to reassure as well as just feeling great and extending foreplay. This strategy definitely played out well and I can happily report that, though it may take a few seconds to find the right angle, it’s actually perfectly comfortable to wear during penetration, even if you partner’s on the bigger side. First question answered to my satisfaction!

Secondly, yes it did stay in place well during some vigorous thrusting and different positions. Even with a lot of lubrication there were no problems. As Emily has said, there is a little more grip to the texture of the silicone on this model than the 4 Plus.

Thirdly, my partner loved it. He said it was a really different sensation, the vibrations were really nice and of course the effect it had on me was a major plus for him. One of the things we noticed was that during penetration the toy reeeeally hit the G-Spot well and I actually came seconds into penetration, which is really unusual for me, while his orgasm was super strong.

As for the concern about it feeling like something impersonal separating us during penetration, I had heard one or two complaints about this when reading reviews on We-Vibes previously. My honest opinion is this – it does affect how much you can feel of each other, but it doesn’t ruin the intimacy, it just changes it somewhat. You still can feel half of the area of what you normally would internally and it just takes a few seconds of mental adjustment. The extra excitement adds to the emotional connection in my opinion so I don’t think it’s anything to worry about.

It’s also waterproof, very quiet and you can get at least 90 minutes play out of a full charge so the opportunities for adventurous play are fantastic. Charging time is 2 hours so the only thing to keep in mind with this is just to charge it regularly so you will never be caught out without it.

In conclusion, simply put, 100% would use again, absolutely love it.

About the Author: Jade is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

 

 

 

Review: Pipedream iSex USB Massage Kit

iSex USB Massage Kit Image

Today I’m taking a look at the iSex USB massage kit by Pipedream. Pipedream iSex USB Massage Kit is a bullet style stimulator with some extra interchangeable heads to mix things up a bit. Like their plain bullet this is an all-white sex toy which is reminiscent of iPhone accessories. Honestly, I’m not heaps into Pipedream iSex USB Massage Kit for myself personally, for reasons I will go into in a minute, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be great for some customers.

Firstly, there doesn’t seem to be any control buttons and it only has one constant speed. Once you plug it in, it starts working immediately! Pipedream iSex USB Massage Kit has a USB plug, as the name suggests, so it has got to be plugged in to a computer, an Xbox, a Play Station (or your car) to use it or else get an adapter. If you want to turn it off, you’ve got to unplug it. You will also need to unplug it when you are charging the heads as it will be way to difficult to change them whilst it’s vibrating. The cord is pretty long, so it’s not a huge inconvenience to need to be plugged in to use it, although I do prefer more versatility in a sex toy and usually go for rechargeable or battery powered so I can take them lots of places ad not be attached by a cord. But I really find it annoying that there are no control buttons. I don’t want it to vibrate as soon as the plug goes in. I really don’t want to have to unplug it to change the heads either as that is to time consuming. It may be lazy of me, but I just prefer to have something that is more convenient to use. I also prefer being able to switch between a constant vibration and a wave or pulsation patterns and that doesn’t seem to be an option here unfortunately. The vibration is reasonably strong but it’s not ideal. I prefer a more rumbly sensation.

iSex USB Massage Kit Photo
Sex Toy: iSex USB Massage Kit

 

Pipedream iSex USB Massage Kit material is hard ABS plastic and that’s super body safe which is a plus, but I felt like the heads should have been silicone. I enjoy silicone materials as it will be more smooth and soft to the touch which is more gentle for the body. Oh well. One of the heads does have softer nubs for a teasing sensation at least.

The Pipedream iSex USB Massager itself has a rounded end with small hard nubby bumps for extra stimulation and I think it’s pretty decent, then it has three extra heads. Firstly a curved and kind of pointy head which reminds me of a bird’s beak or anteater nose. You could use that for very pinpoint stimulation. Secondly there is a small probe that is reminiscent of anal beads and I assume it’s intended for the anus so that’s a nice addition. I should mention at this point that the heads screw on quite firmly so there shouldn’t be worries about the head coming off while it’s in the butt! You could also use this head externally. And lastly there is a head shaped a bit like many finger vibes are shaped, longish and pointy-ish. It has the soft nubs I was mentioning earlier. This is probably my favourite head and I think it would be lovely for external massage anywhere delicate and sensitive. In general though I am not wild about the heads although I don’t hate them. More of a ‘meh’ response from me.

I like that Pipedream iSex USB Massage Kit has a bit more variety than their plain iSex bullet but again, it’s just not hugely my cup of tea.

Pipedream does have a large selection of sex toys available from vibrators, dildo’s, BDSM, massage oils, lubricants, games and lingerie just to name a few! We recommend having a look at our other reviews to see what other product are available. Sex toys and products are so vast these days, there is definitely something for everyone.

 

About the Author: Jade a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Review: We-Vibe Sync

We-Vibe Sync Couples Sex Toy Image

I have reviewed lots of We-Vibe products. The We-Vibe 4 was the first sex toy my partner bought for me and I loved it. I have to say my heart sank when I first turned on the new We-Vibe sync. I thought it might be a bit better than what I already owned, but oh my god, It is like they took all my tiny gripes about my We-Vibe 4 and not only got rid of them, but waved some fairy dust over them and created a thing of beauty.

I can never look at my old We-Vibe in the same way. I love nearly all the We-vibe sex toys, the Tango is in a different league when it comes to bullets, The Rave is one of the best g-spot vibes out there and The Nova is almost without parallel when it comes to powerful rabbits. The thing about this company is that they really seem to listen to their customer’s feedback.

It is packaged very discreetly and looks much more modern than the 4. It comes in a sturdy box which can be used for storage and contains the charging dock, instructions and some complimentary Lube. It fully charges in only 2 hours which is great.  It comes in a choice of aqua and purple. It is made from 100% body safe silicone and is completely waterproof. The silicone is a bit draggy. I originally loved the silky smooth silicone of the We-Vibe 4, but it turned out not to be such a good thing once in use. The dragginess is definitely an improvement.

The We-Vibe Sync looks very much like its predecessor and is almost the same size.  It is a couple’s vibrator. It is a crescent shape with 2 arms of 3 inches in length. It has an arm that goes inside the vagina to stimulate the g spot. It is textured on the side that touches the vaginal wall (great for sensation and for grip) the dragging of the silicone is what also helps with the grip. The other side of the interior arm is flat so the penis can feel the vibrations but can thrust in and out easily.  Toy slips around inside.   The other arm grips the outside of the girl’s vulva stimulating the clitoris. The main problem I had with the We-vibe 4, was that it moved around especially with lubrication and a thrusting penis inside me and hence I only really use it alone these days. Even alone it didn’t quite grip hard enough to stimulate the g-spot.  Thankfully this new design is a stroke of genius. The draggy silicone is much better for gripping. It may take some playing around to suss out the right amount of lubricant to use. It requires just enough to make it lovely and slippy for the penis but not too much so the toy slips. The most ingenious aspect of the Sync is that it is totally adjustable. It has 2 hinges that can be manipulated easily to fit any body perfectly and even enables movement during sex.

We-Vibe Sync Mobile Application Download Image
Sex Toy: We-Vibe Sync Application

 

The We-Vibe Sync can be operated directly but there is also a wireless remote control which is much better than the We-Vibe 4’s because you have the additional feature of being able to control the intensity of the settings. The remote isn’t particularly long range only working up to 3 meters but that is all you need when you mould mostly be wanting to adjust modes and intensities in the moment. If it is a longer distance you need between your partner and the toy then there is the now famous We-Vibe app that can be used for long distance hanky panky. For anyone not familiar with the app. The sex toy can be controlled by your partner from the other side of the planet if necessary via a phone. The app is even more versatile than the remote control with more choices and even has a music option so that you can sync the vibrations to your favourite music tunes. Magic.

The main improvement with the We-Vibe Sync, which alone makes it worth the extra money, are the vibrations. They are in a different league. They are probably not as powerful as the Tango, but the We-Vibe Sync has to pack two motors into one very small space and taking that into account it is remarkable. The range of patterns and intensities are almost infinite with the app. Unlike the We-vibe 4 it is definitely possible to get some serious g -spot stimulation with this toy. It is much quieter too. I found the We-Vibe 4 was slightly rattly on higher settings.

I love the We-Vibe Sync. I would even go so far as to say it is the most genuinely “coupley” toy of the couple’s sex toys we sell. You can use it successfully during sex. You can turn it the opposite way round and have the clitoral arm inside with the flat surface of the other arm outwards over your clitoris. (Making it almost invisible under underwear) and a partner can take control while the other goes about the daily business. You can place it under the chin and let the powerful vibrations enhance a blow job. You can use it to masturbate your partner. The possibilities are only really limited by your imagination. All that is left to say is that like all We-Vibe toys, it comes with a warranty, and unlike some companies their website responds very quickly to any queries you may have.

 

About the Author: By Emily a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centre

Sparking Passion Using Sexual Aides & Products

Kama Sutra Collection

By now through reading the articles, you’ll see that we have covered pretty much all aspects of a passionless relationship and getting it back to burning brightly. We have looked at communication, we have looked at developing physical intimacy, all of which involve a one on one situation. Now let’s examine some yearning passion into the bedroom by introducing a third party; sex toys. Sex toys are a fantastic way to up the ante when developing physical intimacy and when you’re first looking at rekindling the passion – then sex toys allow both partners to take some of the stress/anxiety and issues about sexual performance, or sexual intimacy off the both of you. It allows an intermediary of sorts through which you can channel passion, and inject it into your very being in a natural way. You’re not forced and pressured into doing it, after all you’re delivering pleasure through a sexual aide and you’re just in control of it, or the passenger to it. This article will explore ways which you can rekindle the passion through the use of sexual aides within your relationship. As mentioned in a previous article though, before engaging in a sexual band aid of sorts to fix a struggling relationship, sex is not the sole cure and you will need to have established a communicative relationship.

1. Massage(r)s & Scents:

The sense of smell is very important to the senses. A good smell can completely change the atmosphere of a room and electrify it with love and passion. We all have our favoured scents, ones that we love, ones that we loathe and ones that we are indifferent to. When selecting a massage oil it needs to be one that stimulates both partners’ senses. You’ll get more out of it that way, because you’ll both actively succumb to the scent. If massages aren’t your thing then you can try pheromone infused mood mists, or burn off a mix of essential oils that help develop passion. Pheromones are a natural chemical which work by changing the behaviour of people by providing them with arousal. We’ve all been there where a particular scent will drive us crazy and we just want to jump the person who is emitting the scent. A lot of massage oils, mood sprays and candles are being infused with pheromones these days allowing for a perfect combination which will work wonders. Here are some scents that are recommended by an aromatherapist that you can look out for which will help increase the level of passion in a room.

  • Cinnamon – A spicy and warming scent with a touch of sweetness to it. Cinnamon is known to activate the senses as well as alleviate any stress or anxieties. Studies have shown that cinnamon works exceptionally well for increasing blood flow and as such can be used as aromatherapy to aide with erectile dysfunction.
  • Ginger – A strong scent which is also warming and sweet. Useful for helping the heart and helping with blood circulation. Ginger is well known for its ability to fight the common cold, but few people know that it’s an excellent scent in helping fight off depression.
  • Jasmine – A euphoria inducing scent it’s rich, and sensual. Jasmine relieves stress by calming the body and freeing it from anxiety. Jasmine is an exotic scent that is useful for just letting go.
  • Neroli – A sweet and citrus scent that comes from Orange Blossoms. An invigorating scent that is especially useful in curing first time jitters. Neroli also works in helping with menstrual tension and cramps.
  • Patchouli – This is the one that excites and stimulates, perfect for balancing libido levels it works by improving clarity through its sweet wood kind of scent. A regenerative scent it’s known for mood lifting and quelling anxiety.

Since scents and massages are soft and sensual when pairing this with a sexual aide, you’re going to be looking at a Body Massager. Body Massagers are distinguishable to their strong resemblance to a microphone, they will generally have a long handle, with a bulbous head. Massagers are perfect for relieving tension after a long day and attacking knots, aches and pains. Purely for external stimulation body wands are about sensuality, relaxation and calm. Whilst they can be used to provide strong stimulation to the genital region, they don’t necessarily have to be sexual in nature. Coming in a variety of shapes, sizes and colours and both in rechargeable and corded, a massager is perfect for taking the pressure off to perform, and just relax and enjoy the vibrations as it unwinds your tension. If the idea of a microphone looking massager seems a bit too much for you, then you could consider something like Lelo Lily 2, or the Ovo T1, T2, and S1, S2 -all of which are considered to be small palm sized massagers which are easily gripped and which you run up and down the skin for a soft and smouldering vibration. Combine it with some atmosphere enhancing scents and you’re going to find yourself blissfully relaxed in no time.

Sex, DAting & Relationship Board Game
Sex Product: Nookii Board Game

2. Lingerie & Erotic Clothing

I’ll say straight up that this one is not excluded to women. There are numerous ranges out there for ‘lingerie’ for men and there’s no reason why a man can’t buy some sensual clothing for his partner. Lingerie is about invigorating the sense of sight and touch. A flirtatious dance in front of your partner, or simply strutting into their view when wearing something erotic can be useful in developing a sense of arousal. Wearing lingerie and erotic clothing doesn’t necessarily mean that there will be sex involved, and sometimes the fun is in wearing it and driving your partner wild with desire. If you’re looking to kick it up a notch, pair up some lingerie or clothing with a sexual aide, then you might want to consider a vibrating panties set, or an insertable Remote control vibrator which can be worn underneath any kind of lingerie. Remote Control toys will have a remote, though some of the high end toys such as we-vibe, may also be controlled by apps on your phone. They’re adventurous, cheeky and great for couples that have limited alone time at home.

3. Discussion of Fantasies & Board Games

This website has mentioned several times the benefits of communication, and some of those newly learned communication skills can be put to good use by exploring each others sexual fantasies. For those that are a little shy, there are also a bunch of couple’s board games out there such as Nooki, and Monogamy, which will do much of the conversing for you. Discussions/games like this are amazing bonding experiences as you let each other into your minds and learn and discover new things about each other. What some people fail to realise, is that over time our tastes and what we desire may potentially change. Sexual activity is an exploration, and often experiences will grow and transform into new and exciting things. By discovering new passions you can quite easily invigorate sexual activities into something that seems new and fresh once again. Just because you liked things a certain way last month, does not mean that you’ll still feel the same way today. Especially when the taboo of talking about sex is slowly breaking down, you might find you or your partner inspired by something you’ve seen on TV, heard about in the workplace, or heard from friends over a couple of afternoon drinks. Adventures await!

4. Bondage & Restraints

I’ll preface this paragraph by making the suggestion that many people feel BDSM and Bondage related activities involve pain, or whips or invariably something similar. Bondage can be anything that you make it, including something incredibly sensual. Restraining someone with silk ties on the bed and then teasing and tantalising them with various aides, textures such as feather ticklers, and you could even give them a massage whilst they’re restrained. Don’t be fooled or intimidated by BDSM, it’s an adventure that you can go at your own pace with, and stop at whatever path that you’d like to, and it doesn’t have to involve sex at all, it can be sexual and it can be sensual, but if you’re just starting to find your groove again with your partner you don’t actually have to engage in any kind of sex. That’s the beauty of bondage, its versatility and its application.

You’ll notice that everything we have discussed so far has a primary factor of sensuality, and there is no focus, or necessity to engage in penetrative sexual activity, or indeed, any form of stimulation to the genitals. Consider the above activities and sexual aides to be a starting point if you’re trying to develop trust and get back into the burning passion that you once had. By all means, any of the above activities can easily be kicked up a notch and end up in sexual activity of some form, but they’re not exclusively for that. The sexual aides and techniques mentioned below will focus on stimulation of the genitals and sexual activity with a side element of sensuality and intimacy.

 

 

Sparking Passion through Effective Communication

Passion & Effective Communication

So far in our various articles here we have acknowledged in relationships that the passion can often die down. We have pointed out that the relationship itself may not be a negative relationship and that there is no reason to throw away a seemingly lack luster relationship because it’s currently missing the passion. Many people become disillusioned when they feel that their partner isn’t their ‘soulmate’, and they become unhappy and what will often happen is one of two things; either they will live with that unhappiness and stubbornly refuse to fix it, or that they will neglect a potentially good relationship in favour of chasing down the spark with someone else. Perhaps I’m a little bit cynical, but I’ve never bought into the whole soulmate idea. A soulmate generally implies that there is someone out there which completes us, this reinforces an idea that we are somehow incomplete without our soulmate, and it’s why couples, friends, and that annoying Aunt Mary will sometimes look at their single friend/family member with a touch of pity or despair.

Many years ago when I watched Sabrina The Teenage Witch, I saw the finale and scoffed at the literal metaphor of soulmates. Sabrina had spent the entire series searching for the second half of her soul gem, only to find out in the last three minutes that Harvey had the second piece to the gem. Whilst I love and adore romantic comedies, and chick flicks where, for the most part, the couple end up together, I understand that this is a construction to make us feel better in a way about being single, about being alone. But happiness is something that’s so unique and individual to us – that not everyone understands it. That’s why I’m off a second opinion in which a partner does not complete us, but rather, a partner complements us. They can offset our little quirks, balance out the crazy parts of us, and together we make a perfectly good team of two unique individuals. Whilst i acknowledge that sometimes in life two people will drift apart, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the end of a relationship and that you should throw it all away. The thing is that when you sit down together and you’re both saying things like ‘our relationship just feels empty’, or a tell-tale classic ‘We still love each other, it just feels flat’, then don’t despair, there’s still hope.

 

 

One of the main reasons that people often feel disinterested, or disconnected is through a lack of communication. Throughout this site, we have explored various ways of reigniting the spark of passion in a relationship. We have continually mentioned having conversations and talking, but what we haven’t explored is that idea in depth, and considered the specifics of how to communicate, and talk to your partner. Sometimes, relationships are not easy fixes and sexual intimacy are little more than a band-aid to a relationship plagued with the absence of passion, and you need to reboot the relationship. That’s where we come to this article, how do we reboot that with communication and talking? For some people, they need that intimacy of talking, feeling close with their partner and their partner’s thoughts before they can engage with physical intimacy.

Talking is an important part of any relationship, and has the potential to deepen and strengthen the relationship. Contrary to popular belief, research suggests that small talk plays an important and integral part of a relationship. Indeed, John Gottman and Janice Driver, studied small talk and concluded that for the most part, small talk is actually a bid for an emotional connection. These bids have been categorised into varying aspects within the list below.

  • Bids for Attention: ‘That’s an adorable cat sitting in the window’.
  • Bids for interest: ‘Doesn’t your mother’s cat look like that one there?’
  • Bids for enthusiastic engagement: ‘We should think about getting a cat’
  • Bids for extended conversation: ‘Have you heard from your brother recently? Last I heard they were moving for a new job’
  • Bids for play: (Tickling your partner or playfully poking them) ‘I’ve been considering doing that all afternoon!’
  • Bids for humour: ‘That cute cat we saw earlier reminded me of a joke. So a cat and a dog go into a bar’
  • Bids for Affection: (Reaching for partner’s hand, or holding on to their arm etc.) ‘It’s been a rough day, I need a hug’
  • Bids for emotional support: ‘You know, I’ve just been so worried about work recently. I really hope that I don’t lose my job’
  • Bids for self-disclosure: ‘What kind of pets did you have when growing up?’

For a conversation which involves any of the above, the listening partner can respond in three ways according to Gottman and Driver. The first way is by responding in the desired way through some form of acknowledgment. This can involve a verbal, or non-verbal response and can either be a short response, or an extended response. This is referred to as a ‘turning towards’ response and will result in a positive feeling for both parties. The second is referred to as ‘turning away’ responses, which includes ignoring the conversation prompt by their partner. The third and final option is to ‘turn against’ the conversation starter by reacting in an angry or irritated way. Gottman and Driver go on to suggest that reacting positively to small talk between partners will actually go a long way in the development of tools and communicative strategies that will assist couples when going through conflict.

By now you should understand the importance of small talk within a relationship. There is not the scope or room in this article to demonstrate small talk conversation starters – not only is that unique to your interests, and experiences as a couple, but in most cases it would be counterproductive to give you all the answers into establishing small talk. What we can tell you, is that even though it may seem mundane and small to you, simply talking about a particular moment during the day when you arrive home to your loved one, will demonstrate an ability to open up, and restart communication. If they reciprocate with their own story, even better! But sometimes, especially for people that aren’t that articulate or struggle to share their thoughts, it may take a while for them to start sharing. So be patient.

Conversely, if you or your partner in talking, then the other partner will be considered to be listening, and there is a good way to listen, as well as ways of listening which can be detrimental to the process of talking and having one open up. On reflection during the research for this article, I came across a terrible thought. I’m an atrocious listener, and because i’m an atrocious listener it means that I am often unable to hear myself or partner communicate and what that communication actually means. Henning Mankell wrote in his article, The Art of Listening, that since humans have two ears and one mouth that we should spend time listening twice as much as what we speak. But it’s something that not a lot of people do. Listening involves not only listening to your partner, but also listening to yourself.

 

Passion & Effective Communication
Photo: Couple Talking

 

The brain, interestingly, has the capacity to speak X amount of words per minute, but it has the capacity to listen to 5-10 times that number. As such, when ‘listening’ we often get distracted, focusing instead on plans for the next day, considering our surroundings, the weather anything really except actually being in the moment and actively listening. You might hear the concept of active listening being bandied about a lot, and it’s the kind of concept that if you can master will have broad and far reaching implications not just within your relationship, but also in how you conduct yourself in, and go through, life.

Many people don’t necessarily understand what listening is. Listening is simply an activity in which you listen, you’re not simply waiting for your turn to speak, because what will happen in this situation is that you will hear key words, and tones, and your brain will be distracted by formulating a response to that. What it will miss is understanding the body language of the speaker, what it will miss is picking up the sub-text of the conversation. The trick is not necessarily to respond to the speaker, ask yourself ‘What is the speaker asking for with this conversation?’ By having this question on your mind while they speak, means that you are making a conscious and deliberate effort in trying to understand what your partner is saying, and why. The why part is important here, and it directly relates to the idea of bids of emotional connection which we discussed earlier in the article. By exploring this concept, instead of focusing on ‘your turn to speak’, you will be able to more effectively understand the point of view being expressed and what thoughts, feelings and emotions are being conveyed to you. By considering a conversation this way, if conflict is brought up, it will not resort into a counter-argument which is one of the least productive ways of communicating. This form of ‘communication‘ will often dissolve into two separate conversations where each party is trying to get their point across to the other, it demonstrates that neither of you is listening to the other. The end of the argument will ultimately conclude on a negative note. If you have listened effectively, you should be in a position to either paraphrase what they have said to you back to them through the lens of understanding – the first step in listening is to understand what your partner is saying. Understanding is the paramount thing, even before responding. If you’re struggling to understand, paraphrase back to them and ask them if that is correct. If it is correct then the listener should let the speaker continue, if it is incorrect, ask a question in order to clarify the situation. From here you need to listen until the other person has expressed their ideas and opinions and then respond accordingly. When people can actively demonstrate that they understand their partner, their partner will actively invest energy and time in trying to understand the other. If you don’t feel understood, you will defensively argue that why should you try and understand them. That’s why during conversations you need to have the ability to understand yourself, and be aware of your own listening. We’ll refer to this as the evaluation of your conversation filters. Some people will enter conversations with a point and a purpose, or maybe you have already developed a predisposition towards the other person – the point you’re trying to convey, or any judgments or predispositions that you have towards the other person is going to result in a filtering of the conversation. What will happen when you’re filtering a conversation is that you’ll automatically decides something ahead of time. What this will result in, is that no matter what is said, heard or conveyed, will distort the words/message into what you are already feeling. This contortion of words will be in such a way that even the best communicator in the world will be unable to ‘sway’ you because in your mind you have already arrived at a position that fits in with your belief of the situation.

Through reading this you might find yourself in a state of reflection, wondering if you are a good listening and communicator. It will help if you simply follow these three questions

  1. Are you giving your partner your complete attention?
  2. Are you understanding what your partner is telling you?
  3. Do you understand what your partner is wanting from you in this situation?

If you’re answering yes to all three questions, then congratulations – you’re well on your way to establishing yourself as a practiced and effective listener. By being a better listening, you will have the ability to be a better communicator, and by being a better communicator you will be in a position to more effectively deal with any issues within your relationship, develop the ability to open up within your relationship, and bring forth a level of intimacy and closeness which you may have been struggling to obtain. Through understanding each other you’ll be able to focus on flaming the passion through physical closeness now that your minds are intimate. You’ll find that when you’re feeling close to your partner, when you’re feeling understood and loved, that sexual activity will feel far more in the moment and it’ll be a strong step to rekindling passion, or even developing passion in a new relationship. By utilizing the art of effective communication is an incredible way to kick start a relationship which you thought was on the verge of ending.

About the Author: Stephen S is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres