Kinky Sex And The Art Of Pleasure

Sex is fun. It’s exciting and it’s an expression of intimacy between couples. As we enter into an age where we view sex as pleasure as opposed to just being about reproduction, the boundaries of sex, intimacy and pleasure are being continually expanded. This is why kinky sex, or sex that has previously been viewed as outside the norm is sky rocketing into people’s bedrooms and sexual lifestyles.

We’ve seen the impact of Fifty Shades of Grey.  And we’ve seen it embraced by people around the world. We’re becoming far more comfortable with both ourselves and the idea of pleasure.  More open about the fluidity of sex and sexuality.

We are becoming more in tune with the ideas of pleasure.

Kinky Sex is Amazing

It’s wondrous and it’s a ball of fun.  An issue is that the idea of kink sex is so diverse.  People hear the word kink and because it is often used as a negative term, they become distant.

They become nervous and they become a little confused. Or they might wonder why a partner needs kink in the bedroom.  They might become disheartened that they’re not enough and therefore take it personally.  Or they might have a predisposed idea of what kink is. Which isn’t the kink that you are considering bringing into the bedroom with your lover.

It’s one thing to discuss handcuffs.  Another thing entirely to say that you’d like them to control you sexually while you are role playing a completely different character and personality than what you normally are.

Kinky play can involve anything that’s outside the standard missionary position.  It can involve the use of toys or it can involve bringing in other people.  Or it can simply be a way of exploring ourselves and our own idea of pleasure.

Kinky Sex Positively Impacts Relationships

Studies have indicated that kink sex and BDSM has a positive impact on relationships, and our own understanding.

Why?

Well in order to engage in such activities we have to negotiate, and understand what we like and what we dislike.  This, inevitably, leads us to communicating with our partner.  In this way the idea of kink sex forces us to sit down and acknowledge our pleasurable likes and dislikes with ourselves, and our partners.

To come out and say, I like being tied up is both a liberating experience.  As well as placing us in a vulnerable position.

Not everyone likes particular kinks

It therefore becomes a minefield as we navigate our pleasurable activities and sexual interests with our loved ones.  I’ve discussed kink, and in particular BDSM extensively in the past.

For the most part, the idea of using Kink and BDSM products as well as sexual skill sets comes down to a few core values within trust, vulnerability, power exchanges and role playing.

Discuss Your Interests With Your Lover

When you tell your partner that you’d like to be tied up and engage in some intimate activities.  You’re revealing something about yourself that they may not have known.

They might be turned on by the idea, or they might be confused because it is different.  Thing is, that it is necessary to discuss your interests with your partner.  Failing to do so, will potentially mean that you become disinterested in sexual activity.  It might lead you to becoming sexually unhappy as you deny your idea of pleasure to yourself.  But most of all it means that you’re not being completely honest with yourself and with your partner.

Yes, there are some kinks that are deal breakers

One shouldn’t expect that you tell your partner what you’re interested in on a Sunday night.  And on Monday night you find your partner dressed up in latex suit holding a whip ready to have their way with you.

Kink play is about navigating.  It’s about slowly building up to things.  But most of all it’s about finding common ground and it’s about failing.

I mentioned earlier that the idea of kink is very diverse

What you see in pornography, or in such popular fiction such as Fifty Shades of Grey, might not work for you and your partner.

Trying something new and then failing doesn’t mean that you should just give up on exploring a new activity.  What it should do is open up a discussion as to what you liked, what worked and what didn’t work.  And how to best navigate that in future activities.

Study after study indicates that kink minded couples have better communication than other couples.  They enjoy a closer and shared intimacy because they better understand each other through their communication.

Tips To Introduce Kink to Your Loved One

With that in mind, if you’re interested in kink or BDSM here’s some tips on how to introduce that to your loved one.

• Have a conversation with your partner.

This needs to be done in a non-aggressive way.  Such as I saw this person being tied up in a film the other week and I thought that was pretty hot.  What do you think about that? Bringing something up in such a way means that there is no pressure being placed on your partner.  And it opens up a discussion.

• Prepare Yourself For Positive and Negative Responses

In this way, you need to prepare yourself for both positive and negative responses. If it’s a positive response then it’s absolutely perfect.  You can navigate how best to incorporate it into your sexual activity over time.

If it’s negative, then don’t be disappointed. Disappointment can be an emotional guilt trip for a partner if they feel that they aren’t pleasing you. Leave it for a little while and bring it up again later.

If the response is positive, then there’s no need to rush out and get the gear that’s associated with your particular kink that you’d like to explore.

• Give it some time, discuss it with your partner and then slowly build up to it. 

If you’d like to be tied up. Then you might want to look at buying a simple pair of novelty handcuffs before you go the full hog and buy a stylish black leather cuff set.  In this way, sometimes it’s about building up to a particular activity.

 

• Take for example, domination.

Your partner might not be naturally inclined to dominate within the bedroom.  So to put them in an outfit and ask them to whip you might be very intimidating for them.  Think of the ‘end goal’ and start with something simple.  If you’re looking to be dominated, start off by getting them to dirty talk with you, or by giving simple demands.

Thing is, is that if you have decided that you are interested in a particular kink or activity, then you have obviously had some time to research it, learn it, and become accustomed to it.

Your partner might not have had that opportunity and as such they will need to grow into the role.

• Starting with the basics

Not only do you give them the chance to develop into that role, but most importantly, you will be allowing the activity to naturally develop.  You, as an intimate couple, might have the goal of being dominated and whipped into submission.  But as you play around with that idea you might discover new aspects and new facets of that kink which interest you both more.

• This is where the communication and the natural progression parts come in.

As you communicate with each other, and check in with how you felt, you’ll learn more about each other.  And you’ll learn where you need to compromise so as you can both achieve the pleasurable satisfaction that you’re both looking for.

Kink, and the development of kink, is not just about you and your pleasures, but it’s about the both of you and you interact together.

Above All Else, It Should Be Fun

Throughout the way you’re going to fail.  You might fall into the corner and giggle. Don’t be disappointed by this.

Porn and sex have taught us that the purpose of sexual activity is an orgasm. This is vastly incorrect, sex and intimacy have the purpose of bringing us closer together. We don’t have to orgasm to enjoy each other’s company and to develop intimacy between individuals.

I dare say, some of the best experiences that I have had with my partner were the moments that we failed, because it was those moments that allowed us to communicate with each other.

Good luck on your journey with kink and fetish sex.

Author: Stephen is a consultant at the Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Risk Aware Consensual Kink

In the world of BDSM and kink there is a well-known phrase ‘Safe Sane Consensual‘ or ‘SSC’. This term has been the most popular and well-known “rule” that all good kinksters follow.

It has been “the” rule of thumb for a while but now there’s RACK. RACK is a newer acronym standing for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, and it also just happens to be a great pun. Now, why not both, why is one better than the other? Here I will compare RACK and SSC to give you a better idea of the difference.

SSC, Safe Sane and Consensual, sounds great right?

Let’s break it down.

• Safe

What is safe? Nothing we do as kinksters is truly safe really.  There are huge risks to both our physical and psychological well-being involved in BDSM and other fetish and kink activities. We can obviously make attempts at safety but at the end of the day there is risk involved, yet safe implies no risk.

• Sane

Kinksters, just like the rest of society, are holistic human beings and this includes mental illness. Making the word sane here potentially offensive and exclusionary.

Should someone with a mental illness not be allowed to make the executive decision to involve themselves in kink? Many kinksters I know use BDSM as a form of self-care and therapy.  Nothing soothes them more than being bound and tied or having a good session on a St Andrews cross to relax after a hard week of work.

I assume this was meant to imply that everyone involved in the kinky activities was not doing it from a place of rage or an abusive mindset. Unfortunately, abuse is still common in the world of kink as it is possible in any interpersonal relationship. But it is the wrong choice of word.

Not everyone with a mental illness is abusive and not everyone who is abusive has a mental illness. In short, having sane as part of our community’s unofficial rule for kink is ableist.

• Consensual

Consent: there’s no kink without it.

It’s the main thing that separates the wonderful world of kink from abuse. We love consent in all its forms and it’s something that doesn’t happen just once, it’s constant and something to routinely check in on.  Consent absolutely belongs in this acronym and is the only part of SSC I agree with wholeheartedly.  It has to be freely given by a person of legally consenting age.

On a surface level, SSC sounds good.

But let’s look at RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and why it’s – in my opinion – better.

Risk Aware

Being risk aware more accurately describes what we do.  And also ties into consent.  Everyone involved in a BDSM or a kinky activity should be well aware of what they’re getting themselves into.

For example, rope bunnies and riggers alike should be aware of the risks in rigging and rope play.  As you can permanently damage someone’s nerves with the wrong knot, dislocate something. Or there’s the potential risk of being dropped.

More risk aware you are, the more educated on the activity, and that is what BDSM and kink should be about.  Being aware of the risk also includes the risk to your mental health.

Sub drop and Dom/me drop is a thing and should be taken seriously.  Also, the risk that the person you are playing with is potentially an abusive person.  Being risk aware means being vigilant about who you choose to engage in play with.  It can mean asking around for references and learning to trust your gut.

Consensual Kink

This replaces both the Sane and Consensual parts of SSC.

Someone with mental illness doesn’t have to be “sane” (which is a loaded word anyway), to participate in what they want to.  If anyone, mentally ill or otherwise, is lucid and can consent – meaning a sober and INFORMED. Then they have just as much right as anyone else to be involved.

Consent can be revoked at any time.

This goes for kink, general romantic and sexual activities.  Consent is something that should be checked before, during and after play. If someone feels their consent was violated it’s something that needs to be discussed.

In the world of kink we have ‘safe words’.  Having a safe word (and in some cases a hand signal, noise, or nonverbal cue) is a big important part of consensual kink.

Consent can be formal

Like in some D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationships people will write up a contract of everything they are agreeing to.  But it should never end there. Consent should be given before, during and after.

This doesn’t have to be formal.  It can be fun, sexy and part of the experience. A simple “harder?”, “softer?”, or “do you like that?” are examples of refreshing consent in the middle of an activity.  Consent is never because you feel pressured or obligated.  Even in kink and D/s you don’t owe anyone anything.

* Someone cannot consent to something unless you have explicitly laid it out for them. Kink is all about truthful communication. Details are mandatory.

I hope now you can make an informed decision on which suits you

SSC vs RACK or even something else, it’s really up to you. At the end of the day all that matters is that you are informed and consenting/have consent.  But also that you are enjoying yourself and getting what you need and want from the experience.

You will need to take note of the risks of BDSM Play and be aware of the steps needed to stay safe during couples sex.