Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System Part 3

Fireman Carrying Ladder Photo

…Continued from Part Two….. I’m almost ashamed to go on but alas there are more sex stories and they’re certainly of more interest to be told than left to float around in my head as memories.

Smokey

A broad-shouldered fireman who put up with my drunken antics before I finally shoved him down the hall to the bedroom. Smokey had an irritated cough and as a nursing undergraduate, I immediately identified that it didn’t sound good. “All good” he said as we got down to business. Afterwards as we slept the alcohol off, he coughed regularly and his voice became hoarser throughout the night. As the night went on, it sounded more and more serious.

All hail the morning wood and away we went at it again which was fine enough up until the condom broke. Well, crap! That means a trip to the chemist for emergency contraception and then off to the sexual health clinic. It happens. I dropped him at the train station on the way to the chemist, he promised to be in contact. Needless to say I didn’t expect to hear from him again.

Three days later he rang to ask if I had been okay after the emergency contraception. I noticed he wasn’t coughing so much anymore. It was then he told me that he’d actually had face mask crack whilst he was on duty as a fireman earlier that day and had inhaled enough smoke to cause serious irritation to his lungs. He’d collapsed at the train station and had to be rushed to the hospital. Smokey spent 24 hours in intensive care being helped to breathe. When one inhales enough smoke to require hospitalization and then disappear like a puff of smoke, it’s a certain inevitability you’ll be christened Smokey. Props to him for his performance given that he had serious issues breathing. A true hero fireman.

Linkenbrinkenfingertrickter

He was a lover of my girlfriend. His actual name was Leonard and he had an Austrian heritage with a mildly complicated sounding surname. Over drinks one night I asked if he would pay a visit any time soon. Kissy was confused as to who I referred to and in an attempt to sound his surname out, I hadn’t been able to remember his first name I managed to slur out loud “Linkenbrinkenfingertrickter”. I christened him with a name that gave fits of hysterical laughter, it was guaranteed to stick and it did.

 

Man Using Wii Photo
Photo: Man Using Wii – Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System Part 3

 

Hook Boy

This delightful young gentleman graced my bedroom one night, nudged on by my girlfriend who said “Go on, let loose and enjoy yourself. Give a youngen a try”. You see, I’m not entirely fond to bed partners much younger than myself. Unlike my girlfriends who like to train and mould an enthusiastic younger lover, I’m not so keen after I had less than wonderful experiences previously. Hook Boy did not change my mindset.

He was exuberant and gets a thumbs up for that but it was steadily downhill from there. Hook Boy proved to be quite lacklustre when it came to foreplay and intercourse. He gave me an experience akin to me masturbating out of boredom where I’m just going through the motions. After I brought him to orgasm quickly with intercourse Hook Boy proclaimed “I’ll finish you off!”. “Okay, here goes nothing” I thought as he shoved two fingers inside me. I could not have imagined the horror that was about to go down as he proceeded to finger bang me. Suddenly I felt this claw that scrapped, yanked and pulled at my insides. “Ummm, excuse me, but what the hell do you think you’re doing there?!” I yelped as I tried to pull myself away. With a proud grin Hook Boy replied “Stimulating your G-Spot” as he attempted to continue. No… no… NO! That is no way to stimulate a G-Spot. It was now game over. I thanked him for his time and showed him the door.

Imagine for a moment what it feels like to have your internal organs pulled out of your body via your nether regions with a piece of barbed wire fashioned into a crude hook. You’re about close to what this sensation felt like. And that is how he became known as Hook Boy.

Wii Man

Around the time of the release of the Nintendo Wii when the console was still a novelty a new lover paid a visit to Kissy’s house. After the standard ‘break the ice’ beverage Kissy leaned over with a wink and whispered “So what would you like to get up to now?”. Wii Man pointed over at the Nintendo Wii and told her he’d like to play that for a while as it looked like fun. As Kissy sat there bewildered he asked “Do you have the ten pin bowling game?” Kissy set the console up and booted up the requested game. An hour of play later she lost her patience and told Wii Man in no uncertain terms that if he planned to continue to use his fingers on a remote instead of on her then it was time for him to leave. The penny finally dropped for Wii Man and they proceeded to get down to business. Kissy admitted the next morning that while he may have been good with the angle and power in the game, in real life it was all gutter balls.

 

About the author: Alicia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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Sexpert is our resident full time sex blogger. Having successfully owned and managed a number of blogs relating to women’s lifestyle, she easily blended into her role as chief blogger of the Adultsmart Blog. She is in a long term relationship with her boyfriend. She also runs Good Girl Guide, a sexual lifestyle blog.

Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System Part 2

Woman with Sex Diary Photo

Following on from my previous sex diary entry about The Ex’s Nickname System, I’d like to share with you another quote from my book of choice at the moment describing interesting quirks of the animal sexual world:

“The male bison experiences an orgasm so violent that it lifts his hooves off the ground. Female bison, as you might imagine, have very strong backs. Say, you’ve been working out, haven’t you?”

This quip brought me immediately to another nickname, another memory and some more entries in the pages of our collective blackbook. Let’s continue.

Hardboiled Harry – Harry was a gentle giant that liked larger women. This worked extremely well for Harry because as the quip and his name may suggest, Harry liked to work out. I’m not talking about going to the gym to stay healthy and fit. I’m talking about the kind of person that must have their home away from home at the gym. Harry had muscle upon muscle upon muscle. He was as firm as firm can be and had the cutest little head up top of this extremely muscular body-builder physique. It was a good thing he found larger women attractive because as he said “I don’t want to crush someone”. When you’re as firm as a hardboiled egg and have an adorable egg-shaped head your nickname writes itself.

Hobbit – I would imagine for most people that this would be self-explanatory. Hobbits name only came about when Kissy rang me late one night in a panicked hushed whisper “There’s someone knocking at my doooooor!”. As I lived over the driveway I had a visual line of sight direct to her door. Peeking out the window, indeed there was someone standing at her front door but with the poor lighting I couldn’t make out much more than that. “Help!! I need to know who it is because they won’t stop knocking”. Being the faithful wingman I am, I proceeded to rush over to her unit in an attempt to get a closer look. As I trod up the stairs the first thing that came into sight were a pair of giant bare feet underneath very skinny legs, making the feet seem even larger. Not “Oh they’re large” giant but “Oh My God! How huge are those feet?!” giant. As I tried to remain inconspicuous I messaged Kissy simply saying “He has the biggest feet I’ve ever seen, just like a hobbit”. Her reply “Oh that’s Reece, I’ll go let him in”. Truly a momentous moment when a man can be identified simply by the size of his feet.

 

Hobbit in Green Grass Photo
Photo: Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System Part 2 – Hobbit

 

Do Like Dat – After a particularly rowdy night involving schnapps and SingStar Karaoke on the PlayStation I bumped into Kissy’s new bedroom visitor out on the footpath as I was heading back home. Having already seen his online profile to give him the wingman seal of approval I recognised him right away. He seemed lost and being the helpful drunk I was, I promptly directed him to her front door “Go down the drive…” he started walking off to escape the all-knowing now yelling drunk “Turn left, like that”. Little did I realise the significance of what had just played out.

When asked about how he was the next morning, Kissy said that she’d heard the exchange outside and that his penis must have steered him in. He had a kink in his penis which made it bend strongly to the left. In Kissy’s words “It bent over so far that when I was giving him a blowjob I had to …” as she motioned tilting her head over to her right shoulder and actioning this weird jiggly motion “Do like that. It was the only way to manoeuvre without knocking myself out”.

It would be prudent to touch on here that some of the nicknames that stuck don’t make me proud, and in fact make me cringe a little. For one reason or another, they were usually created from trying to find the right descriptor as certain things were said over morning cups of coffee and pancakes. It could have been as simple as recounting something verbally to try and give the best visual description.

Triple Nipple – he was a lovely English man that enjoyed a good ale and had an endearing sweet nature.  Unfortunately his performance in the bedroom was very sub-par. Bless his soul, he tried. The fact he tried so hard and tried to pretend nothing was wrong made the situation worse for himself. There possibly couldn’t be anything more soul crushing for a man who is with a waiting woman only to find himself with a semi-erect penis. For Triple Nipple it was sadly more flaccid than erect and if only he’d been upfront about it I’d have been willing to have him round again. I pulled every trick from my arsenal that night. Diverting away with more foreplay involving other parts of the body, handing him a toy to use on me whilst assuring him these things happen, whipping out a new cock ring (every lady casual lover needs a stash of new cock rings!), suggesting we take a break, suggesting we try again another night. Triple Nipple persisted and made out like there was no problem. And persisted. And persisted. At one point he tried folding his flaccid penis with its baggy blanket condom attached, into my vagina and was successful enough with that manoeuvre that he blew his load almost instantly. And that was the end of that. Trying to describe to a girlfriend just how nubby and squishy and not exciting his penis was she asked with wide-eyes “Was it like he had a third nipple instead of a penis?”. Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what it felt like.

Get ready for another Sex Diary: The Ex’s Nickname System !

 

About the Author: Alicia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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Sexpert is our resident full time sex blogger. Having successfully owned and managed a number of blogs relating to women’s lifestyle, she easily blended into her role as chief blogger of the Adultsmart Blog. She is in a long term relationship with her boyfriend. She also runs Good Girl Guide, a sexual lifestyle blog.