My 25 years on this earth have led me to many conclusions and realisations, the most relevant right now being that sex is one of the most exciting topics of conversation. I don’t know if it’s the people I seem to attract into my life or my own willingness to turn any conversation into one about sex but I end up talking about it all the time (Working in an Adult Store and studying Sexology, it’s expected with the territory too I guess!!).
I notice how so many men and women light up when given the space to discuss one of the most intimate areas of their lives. It fills me with so much joy when I have people come into an Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres shy and nervous initially and then leave talking explicitly about sex and not wanting to stop.
Sex and the overt representation of sexuality is everywhere in our lives, from advertising and social media to pornography and films. Despite this, there is a lack of frank conversation about sexuality meaning many people have a warped perception of what healthy sexuality looks and feels like. One of the concerns with society’s widespread unwillingness to discuss sexuality is that when it comes to developing healthy sexual relationships, many people are unsure of how to speak of sex with the people they’re actually having it with.
I know of many people who struggle to talk openly with their intimate partners about sex sometimes resulting in unhealthy consequences. The repercussions of leaving things unspoken with our intimate partners can result in unnecessary conflicts, physical and emotional trauma and general unfulfilling sex lives.
We miss out on accessing the potential of our capacity to feel exquisite pleasure because we struggle to ask for what we like and we remain silent when something doesn’t feel good.
I recall a time a couple of years ago when I was being intimate with a new lover and he asked what it was I wanted. I remember freezing in fear and had no idea how to put what felt good for my body in words. I think I ended up saying something along the lines of “what you’re doing” just because I was so mortified that I didn’t know how to ask for what I desired.
Throwing myself in the deep end shortly after this experience, I discovered the world of Tantra and Conscious Sexuality which provided me with some tools I needed to communicate clearly with my intimate partners. I’ve including the following tips that if applied, have the potential to lead to greater levels of intimacy, connection and pleasure in your sexual relationships:
1. Be Open To Talk About Sex
Speaking of any discomforts you may have around talking about sex is an excellent first step. Let your partner know that you would like to be more open discussing sex and acknowledge the fact that it may be a difficult conversation to begin for the both of you. Express the importance of opening this conversation and speak with honesty.
2. Use Explicit Words
If the thought of even speaking words associated with sex makes you cringe, I recommend trying this exercise with your partner. Jump in the deep end and throw explicit words at one another. It may go something like this “Cock, pussy, lick, anal, orgasm, cum, wet, squirt.” Think of this as the ultimate “ice-breaker.” Come up with as many words as you can that you identify as sexual and get used to saying them to each other. In little to no time, it will be a breeze to say what you need without shame or embarrassment. Make it fun and playful because sex is supposed to be!
3. Take Ownership Of Your Feelings
Stay away from blame and take ownership of how you feel. Instead of “You’re really bad in bed and you need to change” turn it into “I am feeling like there is so much more I want to experience sexually and I would love to try this with you next time.”
4. Try The Palm Exercise
Take in turns tickling each other’s palms with your fingers and make adjustments that will lead to a more pleasurable experience. “May I have a softer touch?” “Can you move your finger faster/slower?” “Can you give the top right hand corner more attention?” Becoming used to asking for what you need in a non-sexual activity will translate to greater comfort and ease asking for what we desire sexually.
5. Invest In Adult Lifestyle Products
Invest in sex toys for couples to make your lifestyle easier.
6. Get To Know Your Body
Last but certainly not least, get to know your own body and what feels pleasurable to you. I cannot express the importance of this enough!! If you don’t know what feels good to your body, how can you expect that you can communicate clearly to your partner? Sex can be a hit or miss and expecting your partner to know everything that turns you on is a lot of pressure.
When talking about sex with your partner/s becomes easeful, the possibilities to explore sexuality and sexual expression are endless. You can try different things, express fantasies and desires and get to know your partner more deeply…in more ways than one!! You can also talk about what is Tantra Sex and how to incorporate into your lifestyle.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMDdoNUjPRU
Author: Stephanie Curtis- BA Nursing
Explore Stephanie Curtis’s profound insights! A caring sexologist, she delves into spirituality, tantra with professional, articulate, interesting articles.